


A Different Kind of Us

by VeronicaFerCard



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mute Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Recovery, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 15:50:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 80,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11924151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeronicaFerCard/pseuds/VeronicaFerCard
Summary: Change is inevitable. The world keeps on spinning around Steve and Bucky and they have to learn how to adapt to the new as they try to regain some of the past. And together they discover that different doesn’t always mean bad.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has a soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1tz85Mdn3rJ18rGMoYgAMrsyhSwBtKhu

Several cell phones capture the moment Captain America falls into the Potomac, only a few turn off their cameras apps to call for help. Those who do it, miss the moment the black clad figure falls after Cap.

One bystander manages to finish his call and reopen the camera app just in time to catch the man with a metal arm pull Cap out of the river, and drag him to the muddy shore. He had paid a great deal of money on the latest Stark Phone and it was totally worth it. His mobile is the only one able to get a good image from the man’s face.

He sends the video to his wife just as the police get there and starts to dissipate people from around the building. It is probably best to leave anyway. The Helicarriers are still falling and the buildings don’t look like they will be standing for much longer either.

The man steals another glance at the other side of the river as he leaves, but there is no sign of Captain America or the metal armed guy.

Iron Man flies by a second before he gets into a cab. Traffic is going to be a bitch so he mentally prepares himself to spend the following hours stuck in the vehicle, and fishes his phone from his back pocket.

There are five new texts from his wife. He is worried for a moment, but then remembers she is safe at work in the Smithsonian. He figures she is probably worried about _him_. That is until he reads her texts.

_HOLLLYY SHIT_

_HOOLY MOTHEROFGOD_

_DO U KNOW WHO DAT ISSS_

_IS BUCYY BANRS_

_BUCKY BARNES_

The car has not moved ten feet yet, but he doesn't even care. He texts her back asking if she is sure. She sends back a line of emoji hands flipping him off. Right, she has been working at the Cap Expo for almost a year. She has studied Steve Rogers and the Howling Commandos for over a decade. Of course, she is sure. He sends her an apology.

Then he calls his buddy at Fox News.

-

Tony can’t find Steve anywhere. The Helicarries are nothing but rubble and debris burning around SHIELD. If Steve is under that – Tony does his best not to follow that line of thought, but part of him wonders if Cap is as resistant to fire as he is to ice.

“Jarvis, scan the river again,” he asks, even if he already knows what J is going to say. There is too much of the Helicarriers down there to properly detect a heat signal.

_“I cannot find any life signs, sir. I apologize.”_

“Don’t, uh, whatever your equivalent of sweating is, don’t do it,” Tony says. “It’s not your fau –” A fucking rock hits the side of his head mid speech and Tony is confused for a moment, and then he is hit again, with slightly more force. “Who the –”

He traces back the trajectory of the stones and – oh, thank God – finds Steve. Only, Cap is clearly out, and not the one trying to dent Tony's suit. There is a guy standing guard over Steve, making angry signs at Tony to come down.

 _“Sir, I must advise you the man with Captain Rogers is the HYDRA assassin known as the Winter Soldier. His file was uploaded to the internet a few hours ago,”_ Jarvis tells him.

“That the guy from the bridge?” The reason Tony was here so fast is that he was already on the way. He saw Steve and Natasha fighting this guy on TV.

_“Indeed, sir.”_

“What the hell is going on, J?” Tony is trying to think rationally, but it seems like the whole world is in a funhouse mirror. First Fury is dead, then SHIELD is full of Nazis, then one of them tries to kill Cap, and then what? Help him? It is all very confusing and Tony has a mild headache.

Something hits him again.

Okay, maybe his headache is caused by the asshole who keeps _throwing things_ at his head.

Tony finally lowers the suit to just above the guy’s head. He can see Steve breathing, good. “If there’s even a scratch I’m sending you the bill.” The man just points down at Steve and glares at Tony; up close he looks exactly like the Grumpy Cat meme from two years ago. Tony disables the external microphone to talk to Jarvis in private. “I’m calling him Grumpy Soldier, what do you think?”

 _“I think he is going to hit you again if you don’t help Captain Rogers quickly, sir,”_ Jarvis answers _. “Although he does resemble the meme,”_ he adds, and that is one of the reasons Tony loves him.

He turns the mics back one to address Grumpy Cat. “What happened?” The guy opens his mouth just to close it again a second later. For a moment he seems frustrated with himself. Then he goes back to glaring at Tony and pointing a Steve. “You did this to him?” He is met with silence and finally touches the ground, bypassing the Soldier to crouch next to Steve. It’s only then Tony notices Cap is drenched, he looks up at Grumpy Soldier, they both are.

Well, Tony is a pretty smart guy. He went to MIT, he can put two and two together.

"You pulled him from the river." He tells the Soldier rather than asks him. If this guy was trying to kill Steve… why the hell did he save his life?

Tony has about a million questions, but he doesn't get to make any of them because suddenly Grumpy Winter is grabbing him by the neck and forcing Tony's masked face down towards Steve's torso. It doesn't take long for Tony to understand his urgency, Steve has a gut wound. If Tony doesn’t move soon he is pretty sure Cap is going to bleed to death.

-

Fox is replaying the video of Steve falling and then being pulled from the Potomac for the hundredth time. And to make matters worse they had somehow discovered exactly who the man saving Steve’s life is.

FROM HERO TO TRAITOR, WHO IS JAMES BARNES?  says the tagline on the bottom of the screen.

Sam watches with the volume turned all the way down and no closed captions. He is thankful the staff has left it that way, he doesn’t want to know what they are saying, but he also can’t bear to just stare at the white walls as he waits for Steve to come out of surgery.

Tony Stark – and Sam is so out of it he can't even freak out properly – said it would be too risky to move Steve all the way to his Tower in New York in his condition, so he flew in his doctors instead. The hospital staff didn't seem to agree with him, but apparently, in the half hour it took for his people to get here, Tony had donated enough to practically own this wing of the hospital.

Stark ends yet another phone call, though this one seems more intimate than the others, and takes the empty seat on Sam’s right. “You’re Samuel Wilson,” he tells Sam.

“Uh, last I checked,” Sam says, although now he does take a second to mentally freak out that Tony Richer-Than-Thou Stark knows his name.

“Thanks for helping Cap.”

“You don’t need to thank me. Steve is my friend.”

Not really having anything else to say they both turn their attention back to the television on the opposite wall. Somebody had changed channels while they talked. This one is apparently retracing Steve and Barnes’ past all the way back to before the war. Sam recognizes some pictures and videos from the Smithsonian. He wonders how weird it must be for Steve to have his life exposed like that. It is probably very unhelpful for his recovery. How is a guy supposed to move on when people won’t leave his past behind?

“Did you know?” Stark asks him, nodding at the screen, and cutting off Sam’s train of thought.

“Yeah. He told me after the fight on the bridge.” Sam hadn’t seen a person that broken, not in a long time. Soldiers recover. It takes time, effort, a lot of effort, but they eventually recover. When they met, Steve seemed like he still had a lot of work to do, but it looked like he would make it. All that changed after he saw Barnes. Sam couldn’t even imagine what it would be like, to see Riley again, especially in those circumstances. “How was he when you found him?”

Stark snorted. “Unconscious. Bleeding like a pig. But you know what’s weird?” He asks pointing at the television and answering his own question before Sam can even open his mouth. “Terminator over there threw rocks at me to get my attention. He saved Steve’s life.”

Sam looks at Barnes’ smiling face in a black and white photograph. He has to admit it is hard to believe this is the same man who torn away his wing, apart from the fact that it is the exact same face. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” Stark admits. “Cap was kind of my priority.”

"We need to find him," Sam tells Stark. Barnes is dangerous. In any other circumstances, Sam would be more than happy to let the police do their job and lock him up, but this isn't a normal situation. If someone tries to take Barnes in Sam is pretty sure they won't come out of it alive. And if he gets killed before Steve has the chance to talk to him… Sam doesn’t even want to contemplate this possibility. 

Stark’s phone chimes with a new message. He unlocks the screen and stares at it, reading something for a couple of minutes. Then he lets out a low whistle. “Impressive.”

Curiosity gets the best of Sam. “What’s that?”

“You.” Stark shows him the phone. Sam’s entire life is in there it seems, he is afraid of asking how Tony Stark got all that so fast. But after the stunt he just pulled with the hospital people, tracking down Sam’s past is probably nothing. “I can replace them if you want, your wings,” he clarifies.

Sam doesn’t even know what to say. And he is safe from having to say anything when a doctor appears in front of them. Both Stark and he stand up to greet her.

“Mister Stark. Captain Rogers just left the OR. He’s lost a substantial amount of blood from the three gunshot wounds, but thanks to his enhanced metabolism we were able to save him.”

Three gunshots? What? Did Barnes… Sam feels a bit dizzy for a moment. Maybe he should let the doctor take a look at him as well.

"When can we see him?" Sam asks instead. There is nothing broken and he doesn't remember knocking his head, so he's probably good to go. Steve on the other hand… Sam saw him deflect way more than three bullets back on the bridge, bullets that were headed _directly_ at him, from a fucking machine gun. And out of the sudden, he can escape just three? Sam looks around, he can't see Steve's shield anywhere and suspicion starts to nag at the back of his mind.

The doctor seems unsure of herself, not knowing who Sam is, but clearly noticing he is with Stark. Tony puts her doubts to rest. “You can tell him.”

“In a few hours,” she informs them. “He needs to rest, but we have full confidence he’ll pull through.”

 _Physically at least_ , Sam thinks.

They sit down again after the doctor leaves and Sam turns to Tony. “Where’s the shield?”

Tony instantly opens his mouth to answer, but then he stops. He cocks his head to the side while he thinks of something. "You know, I don't know that," he drawls. He then makes another phone call. "Jarvis, tell Happy to go back to the site and look for the shield. Not the organization, by the way, the patriotic Frisbee. Thanks, J" He hangs up and looks at Sam, the grave expression on his face is probably a mirror of Sam's. "He didn't fight back, did he?"

 -

Natasha finds him in the alley behind the hospital where Steve is. He is crouched behind a dumpster. She watches him carefully, knowing full well he's made her the minute she stepped in the alley. He's wearing civilian's clothes with a baseball cap low on his head, and his right arm is at a weird angle, but he seems to not have noticed yet.

 “Steve is alive,” she tells him in Russian. He doesn’t move, but she does. She steps around the dumpster until she is facing him. Natasha was trained to read people, and what she sees in him makes her take a step back. “Why didn’t you complete the mission? Why did you save him?”

He doesn't speak. He doesn't even blink. There was a time she knew how to deal with him. That time is long gone. The man in front of her is not the one she once knew. It is probably not the one Steve knew either. But that won't mean a thing to Rogers if Natasha knows anything about him.

James keeps his eyes on her and she realizes belatedly that he is terrified. “Do you want to see him?” He stands up smoothly, completely ignoring the dislocated arm, and takes something from the inner pocket of his jacket. It’s a flyer from Steve’s expo. He doesn’t let Natasha take it when she reaches for it.

There is no way for her to know if he remembers her, not unless he tells her, which doesn’t seem likely at the moment. However, he just showed he trusts her enough at least to get him to Steve. She is not sentimental, but something tugs at her heart strings at the way he holds the folder.

“I’ll take you to Rogers,” she tells him, he doesn’t look any more thankful than he was a second ago. “But if you touch him I will kill you.”  He shows no other emotion towards her threat and something sets wrongly in Natasha’s stomach. It is not often that she feels out of her depth. She bites the inside of her cheek as she makes a decision and hooks up her arm around his metal one.  “This place is crowded with police. Keep your head down.”

He side eyes her with a hint of disbelief on his face. There is no need for words then, she knows what he means. She just tried to teach the Winter Soldier how to blend in. Natasha rolls her eyes and smirks at him. _This_ she knows how to deal with.

“No need to be cocky.”

He lets out the tiniest of snorts and she counts it as a win.

-

Steve’s whole body aches like it hasn’t in a long time. In fact, he is pretty sure he has never felt like this before. He can feel his muscles knitting themselves back together and it hurts just as it did when they were torn apart.

For a moment he can't place why he is in the hospital and his memory is foggy as he tries to place the events of the last twenty-four hours. It doesn't take long.

Bucky.

Steve opens his eyes; he turns his face ready to call for someone and his eyes fall on Sam sitting by his side.

“On your left,” he mumbles. There are stitches on his face and it makes hard for him to speak.

Sam startles out of his doze and offers Steve a small smile. “How you feeling?”

“Sam, where’s he?”

Sam shakes his head. “I asked you a question,” he says, he runs a hand through his short hair. “Jesus Christ, Rogers.” Steve exams him, he looks tired and bruised but all in one piece, which is more than Steve can say about himself. Nonetheless, remorse eats at him; he shouldn’t have dragged Sam into this.

“I’m sorry,” he croaks. His throat feels like it hasn’t tasted water in a decade.

Sam sees his discomfort and takes a plastic cup from the table behind his chair. He places the straw in front of Steve’s lips and Steve takes a long sip from it. The water is cold and it goes down like a blessing. He thanks Sam and he puts the cup back on the table.

“I hope you’re apologizing for going all kamikaze on me,” Sam admonishes. He sighs. “Seriously, Steve, what the hell happened up there?”

Steve wants to cry. He swallows down the lump in his throat. He needs to know what happened to Bucky. The last thing Steve saw was Bucky still on the falling Helicarrier. And before that… Bucky recognized him, Steve is sure of it. He could have killed Steve but chose not to. He is still in there, whatever was done to him, he's still _there_.

“He remembers me, Sam,” Steve tells him, but he can see from Sam’s face that he is skeptical. “I know he does,” Steve insists, “I saw it on his face. I have to find him.” He shakes his head and his whole body screams in protest against the movement. Steve ignores it. “I can’t fail him again, Sam. I can’t.”

“Steve,” Sam sighs. He hesitates and Steve realizes there is something Sam is not telling him.

“Please,” Steve says, he is not above begging where Bucky is concerned.

“He took you from the river –” Sam starts to say.

Hope explodes inside of Steve, but it is soon replaced by something darker. “He saved my life?” _When he didn’t even know me_ , he thinks. And the thought just makes Steve’s heart hurt more. Bucky never failed him, not once. And yet Steve keeps let him down, time after time.

“He shot you,” Sam reminds him. “We don’t know what happened, but he got Tony’s attention when he was looking for you. Then Stark brought you here and that’s all we have so far.” Tony? Steve’s brain tries to catch up with what Sam is saying. It all seems surreal. Except that Bucky is alive and Steve fucked up again. “Now _you_ explain why you’re in a hospital and Barnes is apparently fine enough to swim both of you out of the river. Where was your shield, where was your goddamn helmet?”

Steve averts Sam’s gaze. He knows how this all looks like.

“Steve,” Sam presses.

 “I couldn’t fight him,” Steve confesses staring down at the hospital sheets covering him. “He’s all I ever had.”

Sam snorts, “Yeah, maybe you wanna rethink that.” Their friendship is so young, and yet Sam doesn’t shy away from calling Steve on his bullshit. “You know, just a thought, but Tony Stark just bought half of this hospital for you, Natasha got shot. We were worried sick. You got people Steve.”

"I know. I care about all of you, too. But with Bucky," he sighs, how do you explain something that has been ingrained in you since you were born. "He's like a part of me. And I failed him so much. I need to make things right for him, Sam."

Sam softens then, looking at Steve with kind eyes. “What happened to him is not your fault. And I more than get the survivor’s guilt, believe me, but you gotta be ready to accept that there’s a big chance he’s not the man you knew.”

With a sigh, Steve nods what Sam probably takes as an agreement. Sam doesn't understand. Steve can’t give up on Bucky; Bucky would never give up on him.

“I know,” Steve lies.

There’s a knock on the door and the person outside doesn’t wait for an answer to push it open. Natasha’s head pops up from the opening. “Hey, soldier,” she smirks. She looks tired but she is alive. Steve sighs in relief. “I hope you’re decent, you have a visitor.”

Steve doesn’t know who could it be for a moment, but then he remembers. Yeah, Tony brought him here. According to Sam he also paid for Steve’s treatment. Yet another person he owes his life to. Steve is about to start thanking him -  already thinking of a way to repay Stark –  when Nat takes a step back and it’s not Tony who comes from the other side of the door.

The monitors Steve is hooked up to betray the state of his heart, and start beeping frantically as he looks at the person in front of him.

“Buck,” Steve breathes out. God help him, he thinks he is about to pass out. Steve had thought he would have to search the whole world to find Bucky. He vaguely notices as silence fills up the room when Sam turns off the machines. “You’re here,” Steve says uselessly.

One of his hands reaches out automatically, demanding proof, but Bucky is not close enough to touch and he has yet to move away from the door. He looks as lost as Steve feels.

Behind Bucky, Natasha closes the door and leaves them. And by Steve's side, Sam stands up. He seems to be preparing himself to either attack Bucky or protect Steve. Steve decides to try to put him at ease and speaks before Sam has the chance to do either.

“Do you remember me?” He hates that his voice breaks mid-sentence, but he doesn’t allow himself to cry. He can’t scare Bucky off.

If possible, Bucky looks even more lost at the question. He stares at Steve’s face as if he were trying to solve a puzzle. And it’s all so wrong Steve wants to scream. They have known each other their _whole lives_.

Bucky takes a step back then. His back touches the wall behind him and he slides down on it until he is sitting on the floor. His eyes stay on Steve the whole time, and then they close as Bucky rests his head on the wall.

Sam, who hasn’t stop watching Bucky like a hawk, breaks the silence to call Steve’s name and Bucky’s eyes fly open as if he has just been given an adrenaline shot. He glares at Sam for about a minute and then he glances back at Steve. Whatever he sees satisfies him enough to close his eyes again.  And five minutes later his whole body goes slack as he falls asleep.

Sam taps Steve's hand and when Steve turns to look at him he has his cell phone out, showing Steve a message like Fury had done at Steve's apartment right before Bucky shot him.

_WHAT THE FUCK_

Steve gives a small shrug and his body protests as he moves but he doesn’t pay it much mind. He is too busy trying to keep himself from smiling and opening up his stitches, though judging by the expression on Sam’s face he is not being very successful.

Steve gives up the fight and smiles up at Sam, even though it hurts a bit. “He’s here,” he whispers.

Sam shakes his head. “You’re out of your goddamn mind,” he angrily whispers back as he sits down again next to Steve. Bucky is blocking the exit, but even if he weren’t Steve is pretty sure Sam would still choose to stay. He doesn’t know Bucky and he has no reason to trust him. Steve understands.

“He’s here,” he repeats. It’s all that matters now.


	2. Chapter 2

Bucky is still there when Steve wakes up. Sam isn’t. In his place Natasha sits by Steve’s bed, reading something on a tablet.

“Nat,” Steve croaks. Once again his throat resembles a desert. He has no idea how long he has been out, but his body feels a lot better. He is sure if he takes off the bandages he will only find scares. Somebody has also already taken the stitches off his face.

Natasha passes him a cup of water, which Steve drinks greedily. He gives the cup back to Nat and she places on the table behind her chair before pushing a button on the side of the bed to bring Steve to a sitting position.  

“I’m pretty sure his arm is dislocated, how are you feeling?”

To Steve’s absolute horror, before he can even say anything Bucky stands up and hits his right shoulder hard against the wall twice. He doesn’t make a sound and Steve swears he can actually hear the moment Bucky’s bone shifts back into place.

Steve feels sick. He did that.

Natasha touches his arm to get Steve’s attention. “You okay?” She asks when he glances at her.

“I’m fine,” Steve says automatically.

“I don’t mean your body.”  Steve shakes his head. He doesn’t have an answer to that. Nat squeezes his arm. “He hasn’t left in the fifteen hours you’ve been out. During which he’s gone from traitor to victim in the public eye when somebody found his file in the middle of SHIELD’s. The government has yet to issue any statement, but Stark is pretty sure he won’t be prosecuted.” She hesitates for a second and then adds, “Not as a criminal anyway.”

Steve looks at Bucky. He seems undisturbed to be talked about like he isn’t even there. Steve doesn’t share the same feeling. “No one’s taking you anywhere,” Steve tells him. Bucky is apathetic to his promise. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Steve.”

“He’s done nothing wrong,” Steve repeats when he turns to her. Bucky is a victim, Nat said it herself.

“He killed a president,” Nat tells him.

"Stop talking about him like he's not here," Steve snaps at her. He feels immediately bad for doing so but he refuses to apologize if Nat will keep treating Bucky like a misbehaving child.

She holds his gaze undisturbed. “Like I told you, Barnes,” and she makes a point of looking at Bucky as she says his name. He doesn’t react. “Has a lot of people on his side. That’s good, but it doesn’t erase the fact he’s been killing people for over five decades.”

Steve doesn’t accept that. “We’ve _all_ kill people. How’s that different?”

Nat sighs then. She picks up the tablet from her lap and unlocks the screen. “You might have a point there,” she says as she hands the tablet to Steve. “The difference is that we chose.”

Steve looks down at the tablet. Bucky’s file. Ice sets low in his stomach. He never once thought Bucky had willingly chosen to join HYDRA but he dreads even thinking about what was done to him to make him comply.

Natasha stands up and walks towards the door. Bucky actually steps aside to let her pass. There is something about her that makes him less hostile towards Nat than he had been with Sam. Steve has no idea what.

She opens the door but then pauses to looks back at Steve. “What’s in there may explain the past, but it can’t erase it.”

The door closes softly after her.

Bucky remains silent.

 Steve starts to read.

-

Steve has enough presence of mind to turn his head towards the floor before retching up bile from his empty stomach. Bucky is alert and visibly anxious in front of him but he doesn’t move from where he is.

Steve is shaking all over and he is absolutely sure no matter how long he ends up living, he will never forget the words he just read.

Eight hours.

Bucky was found eight hours after he fell. They thought he was dead. He woke up when they were sawing off the rest of his arm. The file isn't clear as to why they were doing that. He then spent the next six years locked up with only one arm. Then Zola –

Steve keeps heaving but there is nothing else to come out.

Eight hours.

If he had gone back – It’s not like he didn’t have the time. Gabe had the control of the train about half an hour after Bucky fell. Steve could have gone back, even if just for the body. He’d done it before in Azzano, why didn’t he do it again? There was more than enough time between then and –

He doesn’t see Bucky approaching him but the tablet is suddenly ripped from his hands and hurled to the opposite wall with enough force to dent it and then shatter on the floor into a thousand pieces.

Steve looks at him. Bucky is breathing heavily. “I’m sorry,” Steve says quietly.

Bucky charges against him then. He takes Steve by the hospital gown and raises his left fist above their heads. He is shaking all over but he doesn't strike. Instead, he stares down at Steve with angry, welled up eyes. After everything Steve just read, his attitude is more than justified. Steve would actually prefer Bucky's punches to the anguished look on his face.

Time seems like it has slowed down compared to Steve's rapid heartbeat. And then Bucky's fist finally comes down, Steve flinches instinctively but it lands on the pillow next to him and not on his face like he thought, like he deserved.

“You’re not what they made of you.” Steve’s voice is hoarse and thick with tears even though they don’t fall. “I know who you are.”

Bucky is trembling so much Steve almost misses the minute shake of his head. He steps away from the bed until he’s once again with his back against the wall.

Steve is puzzled. There is a reason Bucky is here, there is a reason he didn't kill Steve. Part of him thinks he knows what it is, that it's all because Bucky remembers because he knows Steve. He looks down at what is left of the tablet next to Bucky's feet. Steve doesn't need to read it again; he already knows every sentence on Bucky's file by heart.

There are seven decades of damage to Bucky’s brain. Even with his own version of the serum Steve is not sure how much he can recover.  Maybe Bucky is here because he doesn’t know where else to go. He has spoken to Steve before but he seems unable to do it now. Steve should probably call a doctor to check on him. He dismisses the idea as soon as he thinks of it, though. Bucky does not look like he is about to let anyone near him.

Steve watches him while Bucky looks down at the broken tablet. Physically he looks fine, in perfect shape. But mentally? Steve can only guess.

“Hey, Buck.” Bucky looks up but somehow Steve is not convinced he is answering to the nickname so much as he is aware of the fact they are alone in the room. “Do you – do you think you can trust me?”

Bucky stares at Steve for a long time. Steve holds his gaze, waiting. He knows he is asking for a lot, but he is willing to wait as long as it takes. It feels like hours have passed when Bucky finally breaks eye contact. Steve holds his breath as Bucky moves around the bed. He reaches out for the jar of water on the small table next to Steve and refills the cup Steve had used before. He takes a small sip from it, and then he passes the cup over to Steve.

-

“I have news,” Tony announces as he barges into Steve’s room. Bucky snarls at him but Stark is too busy talking to notice. “Some good, some weird, some a little bit of both –  First, your BFF killed my folks, thought you should know that. I don't know how I feel about that, so don't even bother. Second, Pepper just spent the last twenty-four hours kissing oh so many asses, you owe her a lifetime supply of Listerine. Anyway, all the foreplay paid off and she did manage to find a loophole that allows Grumpy Cat to stay with you while Uncle Sam decides what to do with him."

Stark takes a seat, his eyes land on what is left of the tablet for a brief moment as he moves around on the sofa, but he doesn't comment on it. After a few seconds, he decides to stand up again. Then he goes on talking.

"Of course, there are conditions. He's not allowed to leave the Tower," he says as he paces. "By the way, you're going to the Tower. He's gotta lawyer up, but Pepper is already on that. And,” Tony finally pauses, he inhales and exhales loudly before looking at Steve, “he’s gotta hand in the arm.”

For the first time since Tony came in Bucky shows a reaction bigger than a dirty look. He takes a step away from the wall he’s been leaning against and looks from Tony to Steve and then back again with wide eyes. Steve thinks back to the file: six years with only one arm. He is not doing that to Bucky again.

“Absolutely not,” he tells Tony.

“Sorry, Cap. It’s non-negotiable,” Tony says. The lack of jest on his statement tells Steve he is not pulling a prank.

“That’s absurd,” Steve protests anyway.

Tony shoots Bucky an apologetic look. "That's the best deal we could cut." Surprisingly, Bucky actually acknowledges him with a nod.

Steve studies Tony. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a while, and if Steve knows anything about him he is probably high on caffeine right now. And he said Pepper also spent hours trying to help Bucky. Sam was right; Steve does have people who care about him. He suddenly feels very ungrateful.

“Tony.” Steve waits until Stark’s attention is back on him before speaking. “Thank you, for everything you and Pepper did for us. I – I have no way of repaying that.”

Tony shifts on his feet, uncomfortable with the praise. He is usually so cocky it actually feels wrong to see him like that. “No need for that. Like the movie said we’re all in this together and all.” He clears his throat, looking away from Steve. “Uh, completely unrelated but, I know you’re a super soldier,” Tony says to Bucky, “but don’t you still have like, bodily function to attend to? I mean, you’ve been here a _long_ time and there’s no bathroom. You’re safe for the near future, so if you gotta go –”

Bucky looks at him and something bad sets at Steve’s stomach. He hopes to god that he is wrong in his assumption, but maybe Steve has just understood why Bucky is here. He can’t talk about it while Tony is still in the room, he won’t humiliate Bucky like that. So Steve asks Tony to leave.

“Sure, use me and throw me away,” Tony says in response.

“Tony,” Steve sighs.

Tony raises his hands in surrender; the smirk is back on his face. “Just kidding, take your time. I’ll just ask the doctors when you’ll be cleared for transfer. BTW, I’ve extended my invitation to the Tower to your flying buddy as well. I have some unoccupied floors he could use. Also,” his smile broadens, “I have _so_ many ideas for his new wings.”

“You gonna give him a new set?”

“I’m thinking like, three different models,” Tony starts excitedly. “There is a lot of stuff we could add to them, but I don’t wanna cram all in one piece and make it too heavy. It’ll fuck up his mobility and –” Tony comes to a halt suddenly, finally noticing the way both Steve and Bucky as looking at him. “You don’t care, do you? Right, gotta go.”

“No, I mean, it’s – it’s interesting,” Steve stutters at the same time Bucky shakes his head behind Stark. “I’m sure Sam will love it.”

“Okay, so… I’ll leave you to,” Tony waves his hand, “whatever it is you were doing before.”

Steve waits until Tony has closed the door before turning his attention to Bucky. Steve has no idea how to start this conversation. His body is way much better now and he feels restless having to stay in the bed. He wishes he could have this conversation somewhere else, but he doesn’t know when he will be discharged and needs to talk to Bucky now.

“Buck,” he begins. Bucky’s eyes are still wide, probably thinking that Steve is about to tell him to remove his arm. Steve wants to hit something, but instead, he goes on. "I'm not your handler. You know that, right?" Bucky doesn't show any kind of reaction to that and Steve's heart breaks anew. "I'm not - you, you're your own person, Bucky. Nobody owns you. _Nobody_.”

For a moment Bucky just looks at Steve, no apparent emotion passes his face while he seems to think about what Steve said. After about a minute he finally nods. He turns his back on Steve and opens the door.

In spite of what he just said Steve’s heartbeat picks up when Bucky takes a step towards the corridor. _He’s leaving_ , Steve thinks _, now that he knows he doesn’t have to stay._ It doesn't matter what Tony said if Bucky doesn't want to stay with Steve he won't. Government be damned. Bucky doesn’t owe them a single thing. And though it will shatter Steve’s heart to watch him go, he will not be the person standing between Bucky and his freedom.

The door stays open after Bucky leaves, and Steve realizes it isn’t by chance. From the way his bed is positioned right in front of the door he has a wide view of the corridors outside, and so he is able to watch as Bucky walks for only a few seconds before pushing open the restroom door.


	3. Chapter 3

Against all of his protests, the hospital only releases Steve after five more days of observation. By which point Steve is ready to run away by climbing out from the window. In fact, the only reason he doesn’t try this is Bucky, watching his every move. He has sided with the doctor in the ‘let’s keep Steve here until he loses it’ idea, and predictably so has everyone else.

During this time Steve tried reversing the condition of Bucky handing his arm, he talked to so many people and got so many no's Bucky end up confiscating his cell phone. He has yet to talk again but it seems like they are getting the hang on non-verbal pretty quickly. And Bucky hasn't been as hostile to Steve's other friends as he had been on the first day. When Steve asks him about the arm he shrugs, but it is clear he hasn't accepted the idea either.

Sam and Nat took turns spending the days with Steve. But the nights were Bucky’s and his alone, and it was only on the day before his release that Steve managed to convince Bucky to sleep on the sofa instead of the floor.

Steve finishes putting on the clothes Sam had brought him while Bucky reads something on the phone Tony gave him. At first, Steve had wondered if he was reading his files, but he soon dismissed the idea. Bucky doesn't have to read that, he lived it.

“Whatcha reading?” Steve asks as he puts on a t-shirt. Bucky and he have seen each other in several states of undress ever since they were kids, and he is probably the only person in the world Steve doesn't feel self-conscious changing in front of. 

Bucky shows him the screen. He is reading _The Count of Monte Cristo_ , the original French version. Bucky’s file said he is fluent in many languages. French is one of the ones he and Steve have in common.

Steve knows the story. It is about a man betrayed by his best friend who was wrongfully imprisoned and spent several years being tortured. He gulps. "Is it any good?" Bucky points at the bottom of the screen. He has only read a few pages. Steve licks his lips, uncomfortable. He wonders who recommended it to Bucky and if this person realized the irony of it. "Well, let me know how it goes."

There’s a knock on the door and Steve sends a silent thank you to whoever it is on the other side. It’s Sam.

“Yo, Rogers. How long does it take for you to put on some pants, man?” He says as he enters. “The chopper’s already here.” He points his thumb at Bucky. “See, Barnes is ready. What’s your excuse?”

Bucky doesn’t smile but he does lift an eyebrow at Steve. Though he says nothing, the message is clear. _See?_ With both of them living in the Tower, Steve can already imagine how things will go when Bucky finally starts to talk and gang up with Sam against him. He is at the same time excited and scared of the prospect.

“Alright, alright,” he says as he shoulders his bag, “I’m ready.”

“Awesome, let’s go.”

Sam turns around and starts walking towards the elevator without waiting for them. Steve is about to leave the room as well when Bucky puts a hand on his arm to stop him. Steve looks back and is startled by the sudden change.

Bucky is white as a sheet. He opens and closes his mouth several times, only to finally give up with a shaky sigh. It's not the first time he has done this, it usually happened during the night, when neither of them could sleep. Sometimes Steve would talk about their past – he has no idea how much Bucky remembers if he remembers anything at all – other times he had nothing to say, but even with the silence between them Steve still enjoyed Bucky's quiet company.

He has yet to have the chance to talk to Sam alone, but Steve is starting to understand Bucky's silence as a possible defensive mechanism or a sign of trauma. He makes a mental note to ask Sam about PTSD as soon as he gets the chance.

Bucky touches his metal arm. Steve gets it then, even though he is almost certain that is not the only reason to Bucky’s distress. “I – I think they can wait until we get to the Tower,” he says. “Buck, nobody’s gonna hurt you there, I promise.”

Bucky averts his gaze, but it is only a brief second before his eyes meet Steve's again. He doesn't look scared anymore as he locks his jaw into a firm line. _I can take care of myself_ , Steve reads from him.

“I know you can look after yourself, but like you said to me once,” Steve offers him a lopsided smile, “you’re not alone.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at him and Steve grins as Bucky shoulders passed him on his way to the door. And as Steve follows him he thinks that maybe they can make this work.

-

The floor Steve is going to share with Bucky for the foreseeable future is not, thanks to Pepper no doubt, covered in Captain America merchandise. Instead, the place looks cozy and simple, with furniture in soft tones of gray and some dark blues. The most ostentatious thing Steve can see as he enters is the enormous television set in the living room.

“I hope everything is up to your taste,” Pepper says as Steve – and he supposes Bucky – look around. “I had a hard time believing Tony when he said you were a fan of the red, white, blue theme.”

Steve smiles at her. “It’s all lovely, thank you. This is,” he hesitates, not really sure what else to say he just repeats, “Thank you.”

Pepper waves a dismissive hand. “Oh, don’t thank me, this is all the decorator.” She winks playfully at Steve. “Tony’s last name makes them do wonders.”

Steve hasn’t spent much time around Pepper, he thinks, ever. And he suddenly begins to notice how great of a person she is. She clearly noticed how out of place Steve felt since the moment he stepped out of the elevator, and how wary of his surroundings Bucky was, and she has been trying to make them feel comfortable since then.

She also doesn't seem to be afraid of Bucky and asked the rest of the group to wait at the common floor until she had shown Steve and Bucky the apartment. Steve makes a note to get her flowers next time he goes out.

“Well, you have three bedrooms, but only one of them is a suite,” Pepper tells them as they move further into the apartment. “That would be the last one down the corridor.” She turns to Steve and Bucky. “I guess you can decide on who gets what later.” The second door to your left is the bathroom, and then you have the two other bedrooms,” she says pointing at the closed doors.

They follow her into the kitchen. The place looks a bit more modern than Steve is used to. There is a dishwasher he has no idea how to use, but there's also a coffee machine which seems to be simple enough to operate. Steve vaguely wonders if Bucky knows how to use any of this stuff. For now, he is just inspecting the place, only a little more intensively than Steve is.

 Pepper goes on explaining, “The kitchen is stocked but if you don’t cook, like me, or you just don’t feel like it, I know there’s a bunch of takeout menus in a drawer somewhere.”

“This is so much more than we could ever ask for, Pepper,” Steve says once they return to the living room, “thank you. Buck and I, we – we really appreciate it.”

Pepper’s smile softens into something different from her excitement of a few minutes ago, it’s not pity, but Steve can see she seems to understand how strange this entire situation is and she is sympathetic towards them.

She places a hand on Steve’s arm. “Whatever you guys need, I’m only a phone call, or an elevator ride away, kay?” Then she tiptoes and gives Steve a peck on the cheek. “Take care,” she says before walking to the elevator and leaving Steve and Bucky on their own.

Steve turns to Bucky after she is gone. “What d’ya think?”

Bucky shrugs and Steve is reminded that he will soon have to give his left arm to some faceless suit to be stored as a weapon. Nobody has said anything about that yet, so Steve guesses they are probably waiting for the two of them to settle in first, but he knows they can’t stall forever.

“Hey,” he calls and waits for Bucky to look at him, “wanna toss a coin for the bedrooms?”

-

They end up spending the first night in the living room. Steve’s only victory being that he managed to get Bucky to sit down on the sofa next to him instead of the floor. But every time he tried to start a conversation he would come up short. He wanted to ask Bucky how well acquainted he was with the future, but he never knew how to start.

Bucky himself grows tired at some point in the night and fishes his cell phone from his pocket to keep reading his book.

Steve sighs and closes his eyes as he rests his head on the back of the sofa, and the next thing he knows there’s a hand lightly shaking him awake by the shoulder. Steve opens his eyes to find Bucky staring back at him, he looks frightened, and the knock on the door tells Steve just why.

“Listen,” he says, ignoring the door, “let me talk to them, maybe there’s something we could do.” Steve has half a mind to just say fuck it and tell Bucky to run away from this place, but realistically he knows it would only make things worse.

Steve feels lost. He runs a hand through his hair and watches Bucky. Steve loves him more than anything. Along with Peggy, Bucky is the only link Steve has to everything he has ever known. He is only now noticing how selfish he has been. He should have told Bucky to run the moment he woke up in the hospital. But Steve wants to have Bucky with him like before and Bucky… Steve has no idea what Bucky wants.

“You, you could have left me there,” Steve tells him. “You could’ve disappeared. Buck, why d’you stayed?”

Instead of trying to say something like he had before, Bucky bends down and takes something from the jacket he had thrown on the floor during the night. He shows it to Steve. It’s a flyer, a flyer from the museum; it has Steve’s face in it.

Steve’s breath catches. “Buck,” he begins, but he is scared to ask the question, it feels too soon. He doesn’t want to scare Bucky like he did the last time in the hospital. “Do you, do you remember anything from our life?” Steve’s ears vaguely register the sound of another knock, but his attention is entirely on Bucky right now. “Do you know who we were before this?”

Bucky’s index finger taps Steve’s face on the paper several times. Steve is not sure what he means. He feels frustrated but he schools his features not to show it. It’s not Bucky’s fault, Steve is the one who has to understand how to interpret him now.

The door opens out of a sudden and the flyer disappears from Bucky’s hand as he shoots from the couch and charges against the newcomers. Bucky tackles Tony to the floor and has an arm up, his metal hand closed in a fist ready to strike before they all even realize what is happening.

Steve jumps over the couch and grabs his wrist just in time. “Buck, stop!”

Sam and an African American woman who looks like a federal agent just stare in bewilderment at the scene.

“Whoa, Grumpy Winter, you’re fucking heavy,” Tony huffs from the floor. Bucky just glares at him, but Tony goes on talking undisturbed, “Seriously, get up, you’re crushing me.”

Bucky is still for a couple of seconds before he finally stands up and steps back until he is slightly behind Steve.

“Steve,” Sam calls. He takes a breath and then addresses both Bucky and Steve as he talks, “Look, man. I’m really sorry, but Agent Thompson is here to make sure we – uh”

"She's here for Buck's arm," Steve interrupts him. Agent Thompson nods, she seems very professional and she is certainly keeping her cool in front of the Winter Solder. Steve is surprised with the fact they only sent one person, but perhaps the rest of her team is just waiting downstairs in case something goes wrong.

“I was thinking we could do the procedure down at the lab,” Tony says. “From the scans J took of him yesterday it doesn’t seem hard to detach it.”

“You scanned Bucky without his permi–”

“Uh, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Sam counters Tony, looking at Bucky.

Steve does the same and immediately agrees. Bucky is hyperventilating. He hasn’t moved but both his hands are closed in tight fists and the right one is shaking. Steve knows exactly what caused this reaction, the mention of a lab. The worst of Bucky’s torture happened inside laboratories, where people cut him and beat him, shoot drugs up his veins and broke his brain. He won’t set foot in one of those places willingly. And Steve will stand between him and whoever tries to take Bucky’s free will from him again.

He puts his foot down. “We’re staying right here.”

The Agent, clearly misunderstanding Steve, steps forward showing him a paper as she says, "I have a court order, Captain." Steve doesn't even look at the paper. "The condition for Sergeant Barnes staying in your custody is that he hands over the weapon used in several political assassinations, as well as that you guarantee he will not leave this building until further notice."

Steve narrows his eyes at her. “You can’t treat him like a criminal.”

Agent Thompson stands her ground. “Like I said, Captain, until further notice, he is.”

“With all due respect, Agent,” Sam cuts in, “perhaps you should wait outside.”

Thompson sighs. “I have to oversee the procedure.”

“Does it matter?” Tony asks. “We gotta hand you the arm, what difference does it make if you see us taking it off or not?”

Bucky is still quietly shaking beside him, and Steve is honestly seconds from putting an end to this when Sam speaks again.

“Did you have the chance to read the files on him?” Agent Thompson nods. “Do you think it’s fair to subject Barnes to even more trauma?” She opens her mouth but Sam continues. “We _are_ giving you the arm like we agreed to, but you have to understand, you are talking about a part of his body, you’re asking him to take off a limb. Whatever HYDRA made him do with it, it’s not a weapon, it’s a prosthetic.”

For the first time since she came in Agent Thompson looks at Bucky like a person instead of a job. She lets out a long, tired breath as she makes up her mind. “Do you have cameras in the apartment?” She asks Tony.

“Yeah, in the living room and the kitchen,” he answers, and then quickly add to Steve. “But you can totally turn them off, just ask Jarvis.”

Steve is so drained from this whole argument he can't even muster enough energy to be mad at Tony for spying on them. Right now he just wants to get this over with so he can, maybe, repair the damage he has caused Bucky when he brought him here when he let him fall.

The Agent nods. "Good," she hesitates for only a second before making a decision, "set me up somewhere where I can watch the proceeding. Then one of you brings the – Sergeant's prosthetic to me."

Her attention turns to Bucky again, he has stopped shaking, and Steve has a feeling Bucky has already accepted the situation as yet another thing concerning himself that he cannot change. The Agent’s eyes are soft as she speaks to him.

"I'm really sorry about this," she tells him. Bucky shows no reaction and she turns around to leave. She stops with her hand on the door handle and looks back at them. "Sir," she says to Bucky, "thank you for your service."

The Agent leaves without waiting for an answer and Sam goes with her. Steve looks at Bucky; he is staring at the closed door as if he had never seen one before. Steve plays back in his head what the Agents said and a lump forms in his throat.

“Hey, pal,” Steve says once he feels he can speak again. “Do you wanna sit down for a minute?”

Tony clears his throat. “I’mma make some coffee,” he announces, and then shoots for the kitchen, giving Steve and Bucky a moment to be alone.

Steve is suddenly unable to look Bucky in the eye. He spent seventy years _sleeping_ while Bucky suffered all because Steve didn’t even bother _looking_ for him. “I wish – I wish I could trade places with you.” He inhales sharply. “I was the one who wanted to go to war. I fucking _asked_ for it. I should have sent you home.”

Bucky punches him then. He does it with his right arm, and he clearly holds back, but Steve wasn’t expecting it and he staggers back a few steps before finding his footing again. When Steve looks up at him, Bucky is shaking his head. His lips form a word Steve can actually understand without hearing it.

_No._

He fists his hands on his long hair and pulls at the roots hard enough Steve knows it must be hurting like hell. Then Buck mouths another two words and it's harder for Steve to catch it this time, but he does. He thinks he does.

_Not you._

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense until he remembers something Bucky said to him a lifetime ago. Steve feels something hot and wet slide down his face.

_Not without you._

Bucky takes off his t-shirt and sits down on the floor behind the sofa. Steve sits down next to him and watches as Bucky opens a slot on the metal arm. He pushes apart some of the plates just below his shoulder and sticks his other hand inside of it. Steve can see the wires that run all the way to Bucky's spine.

“Can I – can I do something?”

Bucky holds out a couple of colorful wires and Steve gets the message. He takes the wires from Bucky's hand and holds them straight with enough distance between his fingers and the place where they are coming from. Steve holds his breath, trying not to pull the wires too hard so that he doesn't hurt Bucky.

He takes a knife out from somewhere Steve doesn't see and grinds his teeth as he swiftly cuts the wires Steve is holding for him. Immediately, the arm shuts down, the soft whirling sound it had been making suddenly stops as the whole thing turns to dead weight on Bucky's left side. Steve takes out his hand and Bucky reaches inside again.

He pushes against something; Steve hears a click, and then the prosthetic falls off Bucky’s shoulder. It hits the floor with a too soft thud because of the carpet and Bucky is left with only half his shoulder ending in an empty socket.

Tony chooses this moment to come back to the living room. The coffee cups he had in his hand fall as he realizes what just happened. Steve momentarily wonders where the cameras are and if they were able to catch it.

And then Bucky picks up his arm and stands up. He walks over to Tony and holds out the limb for him. It takes a while for Stark to understand what is happening, but after a few seconds, he takes it from him. The moment his arm is in Tony's hands Bucky walks away from them, towards the corridor. Steve watches him choose the bedroom next to the suite.

He looks up at Tony. He doesn’t think he will be able to get up right now. Steve is sure his legs would give out from under him if he tried. He swallows down the bile in his throat so that he can speak.

“Turn off the cameras, Tony.”

Stark only nods and, for the first time since they met, leaves without saying anything.


	4. Chapter 4

_It’s dark. He doesn’t know where he is. He can’t see a goddamn thing and it’s so cold he has lost all feeling in his extremities. His left side is burning. He has to get out of here, wherever here is. There is someone, he has to get back to someone. A scream echoes inside his head, but he can tell if the voice is his._

_He loses track of time, and suddenly the hard ground beneath him starts scratching his back as he is dragged away by his feet. He wants to stop it, to tell whoever it is that they are hurting him. He wants to fight, but his entire body is like exposed nerve and his arm – his arm feels wrong. All of this is wrong. He is not sure why but deep down he knows he shouldn’t be alive._

_People speak over him but he doesn't know what they are saying. He opens his eyes and it is all so bright he has to close them again. Bile rises in his throat, he swallows it down; he is going to choke on it. Why isn't he dead?_

_He tries opening his eyes again; it takes a few minutes for the brightness to subdue enough that he can actually see. Everything around him is white; it's so bright it makes his head pound. He is still being dragged, but all he can do is blink at the gray sky. None of this seems real except for the pain, except for the throbbing on his left arm. It takes a lot more effort than he ever thought it would, but he finally manages to move his neck enough so he can look down on his body._

_The image paralyzes him._

_His arm. His arm. Where is arm? His left side ends on a bloody stump where his elbow was supposed to be. His arm is gone! He feels lightheaded for only a second. Then darkness engulfs him again._

_The next time he wakes he is on a metal gurney, just like in… Pain sears through him before he can complete his thought. Distantly, quietly under his loud screams, he hears the sound of a saw._

-

Steve hadn’t been asleep for five minutes when the pained scream penetrates the silence of his room. He shoots up on the bed, suddenly alert. It doesn’t take him long to realize the source of it and when another scream comes from Bucky’s bedroom Steve is already at the door.

He pushes it open and finds Bucky – still sleeping – struggling against invisible restraints on the bed. The covers are all wrapped up around his body while all the pillows have been thrown to the floor.  And Bucky is shaking his head back and forth as he cries out in pain. He is covered in a sheen layer of sweat, some of his hair matted to his forehead while tears run down his face every time he moves.

For a moment, Steve has no idea what he should do. Sam had told him some things about PTSD and nightmares once, but none of it comes to Steve now and he needs to help Bucky. Steve should never have agreed to the Attorney General's terms, he shouldn't let them take Bucky's arm.

Steve tries calling his name twice but it doesn’t work, and Bucky keeps fighting against whatever is torturing him in his sleep. So Steve throws caution to the wind and approaches the bed.

“Bucky? Bucky, wake up!” Steve puts a hand on his shoulder and Bucky flinches away so violently he almost falls from the bed. “It’s me,” Steve tries, “It’s Steve,” he says as he carefully approaches Bucky again. “Please, wake up.”

Bucky swings against Steve this time, but he does it with what would have been his left arm, so he ends up losing his balance and falling on top of Steve. He keeps screaming furiously as he tries to get away and hit Steve at the same time and Steve has a hard time holding him.

“Buck, _Buck_!” Steve grabs him by the shoulders and shakes Bucky’s body with enough strength he would have snapped something on a regular human. “Buck, come _on_! You’re home, you’re home.”

Steve has no idea how long they spend like this but Bucky finally stops after a while, even though he still trembles he doesn't struggle against Steve anymore.

"Buck," Steve calls him again, quietly this time. After a few seconds, Bucky's eyes fly open. He blinks rapidly against the tears and darkness of the room. It takes some time until his eyes can focus on Steve. "Hey, you alright?"

He feels incredibly stupid asking this but he doesn’t know what else to say, and in spite of all the muscle, the metal shoulder, the size of him, Bucky has never looked so frail and small as he does now on this bed. Steve remembers being small, but he never once felt impotent, he never in his life felt as if he was at someone’s mercy. He has always been too proud, and he can see now what happens when somebody takes that from you.

Bucky is pliant on his hands, he is subdued in a way that shows Steve he isn’t fighting back because of who Steve is, but for fear of what may come if he does.

"You're safe," Steve says, but even as he speaks he knows it means nothing. However they were in the past, Steve has to earn Bucky's trust now. And so far all he's done was to take away his freedom and his arm. All in all, Steve is not doing anything to distance himself from another one of Bucky's handlers.

He takes his hands off Bucky, letting them fall loose at his sides. Bucky watches him, and Steve can actually hear the tiniest sigh from him once he is free. Steve gets out of the bed. He realizes belatedly that in the future he should not come here uninvited. This is Bucky’s room, he chose it himself and Steve trespassing as he pleases will do nothing to make Bucky feel like this is _his_ private space.

And though it pains him, though every fiber of him wants to stay and make sure Bucky is alright, Steve asks, “Do you want me to stay?” Bucky doesn’t look at Steve when he shakes his head. “Okay, okay – I’ll just, uh. If you need me –” Steve stutters as he opens the door. He looks back and Bucky is still in the same position, his head bowed down, looking like a child lost from their parents. Steve want’s to hug him, but he knows better. “I know I – can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through, but you’re my friend and I’m gonna do _anything_ I can to make it better. Whatever it takes.”

-

“Look who it is! I thought I’d never see you again,” Sam says as he puts away the Falcon new suit.

It's the first time Steve has left the apartment since they arrived and Sam was the first person that came to his mind this morning when he knocked on Bucky's door to tell him he would go out for a bit, but that he would still be inside the Tower.

Now that he sees him, Steve also realizes how much he has been neglecting pretty much everyone else for some time now. And they all have done so much for him and Bucky. Steve feels incredibly selfish. “I’m really sorry, Sam –”

“Nah, man,” Sam interrupts him, waving dismissively, “I’m messing with you.”

 There is a deep understanding in his eyes as he looks at Steve, and Steve can help but wonder how Sam would react if it were Riley who had suddenly come back to life now after Sam had learned how to live without him. But then again, that is something Steve never did learn how to do. He puts the thoughts aside and points at the case containing Sam's gear.

“How’re the new wings?”

Sam’s grin broadens. “Oh, this beauty?” He pats the case gently. “You gotta see it in action.” Sam shakes his head, amused. “Man, I gotta tell you, never in my life I imagined I’d get a suit made by Tony Stark himself. Now look at me,” he opens his arm to encompass the whole of the Tower, “I’m living in his place.” Sam chuckles. “It feels like I’m sleeping.” He holds out his arm for Steve. “Come on, go ahead, pinch me.”

Steve smiles, shaking his head as he says, “You’re not sleeping. And if there’s anyone that deserves a Stark upgrade that’s you.” Steve puts his hands in his pockets as he studies the testing floors, he remembers Barton telling him about a shooting range and he wonders if it is here as well. He turns his attention back to Sam. “How are you adapting?”

"To New York? I'm from Harlem." Steve feels wrong-footed that he didn't know that. And he must make a face because Sam barks a laugh and lightly punches his shoulder. "Relax, Rogers. I have been on this god's green planet for over thirty years. There's a _lot_ of stuff you don’t know about me. Don’t worry, you’ll catch up on the important things.” Sam smirks. “‘Sides, not all of us get to have our lives told by a museum.”

Steve blushes but plays along. "Yeah, I wouldn't rely much on that, if I were you." He casts his eyes down to the ground and studies his feet as he speaks, "Plenty of stuff they didn't get right."

“Then correct them,” Sam says. “It’s not like you’re not around to check proof.”

Steve sighs. “It’s all so –” he hesitates, trying to find the right word, “so _much_. I’m just one guy.”

“Yeah, brother. And one guy can make a lotta difference. You should know that.”

“Yeah,” Steve agrees, but is Bucky who comes to mind, not him, “I do.”

Sam notices the shift in his mood and nudges Steve until he looks up. "How's everything?"

"Lots of steps back. In fact, all steps have been back." He frowns. "What's that dance move called? The one you showed me at the hospital."

“Moonwalk?”

“That’s the one. That’s what we’re doing.”

Sam lets out a long whistle. “Wow, I never pegged you for a pessimist.”

“I’m not. But it seems like I’m making all the wrong decisions here.” Steve leans against the wall behind him and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Hey, it's not like there's any sort of manual for this, Steve," Sam encourages him. "None of us knows any better." He perches up on the table and takes a seat next to his folded wings. "My honest opinion, though?" Sam waits for Steve to nod that he does want to hear it and goes on, "He needs professional help."

Steve shakes his head. It’s not like he hasn’t thought of that himself. He has been catching up on things since he woke up. He knows it doesn’t mean you are weak or crazy when you need to see a shrink, lots of people do it and, in fact, it seems almost like a trend. But, “Bucky won’t agree to that. He is terrified of doctors, especially ones that could mess up with his head.”

“Well, uh, did he tell you that?”

Steve doesn’t mean to, but he ends up glaring at little at Sam. “He’s not speaking yet,” he says, even though he is pretty sure Sam already knows that.”

“Then how do you know?” Sam asks, pushing forward.

“You saw the way he was when Tony mentioned his labs. You read his files, didn’t you? Doctors screwed him up for seven decades,” Steve argues.

Sam sighs, before hopping down from the table. He looks serious but he is still soft as he speaks, "First, no I didn't. And neither should've you if I'm honest." Steve opens his mouth, ready to argue, but Sam doesn't give him space to. "Man, I thought you'd be the first in line to fight for his right to privacy, and before you say it, no, you did _not_ have to know what happened to him. It changes nothing; it only makes you feel even guiltier over something that was completely beyond you. And second, you’re not helping Barnes by putting him in a bubble outside of the world. You gotta help him get back into society, not protect him from it.”

While Sam’s latter words burn him to the core with shame, this last thing is something Steve can actually fight about. “I’m not the one that said we should lock him up here.”

Sam looks unimpressed. “You know what I mean. You’re great, Steve. But you gotta understand you’re not all he needs. Barnes got severe PTSD; he needs treatment, and frankly, so do you.”

Steve has nothing to say to that. He knows Sam is right about Bucky; that Steve’s good intentions may do him more harm than good, but _Steve_? He is doing fine. He is fine. He’s convinced himself of that a long time ago.

“I’ll check with the VA,” Sam tells him, “for psychologists or psychiatrists available.”

“Thanks, Sam. I’ll talk to Buck.”

“Yeah, you do that,” Sam agrees. “But I don’t know about his clearance for visitors and I am talking about you,” he says with a pointed look.

“Sam,” Steve sighs.

“You’re my friend,” Sam insists. “And I’m not gonna sit by and watch you burn yourself to keep him warm, not even if he deserves it.”

Steve is not sure he is worth all of this, but he is certainly grateful to have Sam in his life.

“Alright,” he agrees, even though he is fine. But who knows, maybe if Bucky sees him doing this, it might encourage him, show him that’s okay to ask for help. The least Steve can do it try.

-

Steve spends the rest of the afternoon with Sam, deciding to give Bucky some space to breathe and, especially, to recover from the nightmare from last night. When he gets back to the apartment he is surprised to find Natasha in his living room.

She is sitting cross legged on the sofa, softly singing some sort of Russian nursery rhyme. Though she isn’t loud the apartment is quiet enough Steve knows Bucky can hear it from his bedroom.

Natasha arches an eyebrow and smirks at him when Steve approaches her. He takes the armchair next to the couch and waits until she has finished.

“What’s that?”

“Somebody sang it for me once, when I was a child.” She shoots him a self-deprecating smile and adds, “Not sure it’s real, though.”

Steve is reminded then, of how much she has suffered before she got here. She is one of the strongest people Steve has ever met, and looking at her now gives him hope that Bucky can be okay too, someday. They are both pretty resilient.

“Do you miss it sometimes? Home?”

Natasha studies her hands for a moment before answering. “It’s strange,” she says, looking at Steve from under long lashes. “I spent so many years not knowing what that was. It was hard to miss it.” Something tugs at Steve’s heart at that, but at the same time he can’t help feeling glad Natasha trust him enough to tell him that. Nat snorts, “Don’t look so sad, Rogers.” she shakes her head. “I don’t miss it. I don’t have to.”

“Is that so?” Steve challenges. He finds it hard to believe that anyone could not miss where they come from, but he figures hers are different circumstances.

Natasha stands up and stretches her arms like she has just woken from a nap. “I don’t leave my fate in other people’s hands if I can help it.” She offers Steve one of her rare real smiles. She doesn’t do it often and Steve is pretty sure he knows why, it makes her look younger, vulnerable. “I made my own home,” she says, walking over to Steve, she pats his shoulder. “It’s right here.”

Steve snorts, lighting the mood for her. “You’re a sap, Romanoff,” he teases.

At this point, Nat is already at the door and Steve has to turn on the armchair to look at her.

She rolls her eyes. “Learned from the best.”

Steve lets the comment pass. “Hey, you welcome to stay if you want.” He realizes he has yet to know the motive of her visit, though he is almost certain he already does. “I was just thinking about dinner.”

Nat takes a step away from the door. “Keep talking.”

“Well, nothing fancy, but I do know my way around spaghetti and meat balls.”

She lets out a long fake sigh of relief. "Thank god," Nat says with a hand over her heart. "For a moment there I was afraid you'd offer some boiled cabbages or something."

“You know what, Romanoff?” Steve opens and closes his mouth, thinking about a retort. “Well, first of all, I wouldn’t inflict that on anyone, I’m not a monster.”

Natasha chuckles just as the door to Bucky’s rooms is opened. Steve actually holds his breath as he waits to see what Bucky’s next move will be. And Bucky seems to be debating on that himself because it’s only after almost a full minute that he finally steps into the living room.

Nat says something to him in Russian and Bucky takes a few seconds before shaking his head. Steve’s curiosity gets the best of him.

“What was that?”

“He can’t cook,” Nat translates it for him.

Steve bites back on the instant retort that comes to him. Of course, Bucky can cook, in fact, between the two of them; he spent way more time in the kitchen than Steve when they shared an apartment. Most of the time, Steve had been too sick to even stand, let alone prepare a meal for two.  He reminds himself things are different now.

"Well, I've picked up on a lot of stuff lately," Steve tells him. "There are a bunch of recipes on the internet that are easy to follow." It feels surreal to talk about something so trivial while they still in such a shaky ground, but Steve believes that the sooner they can establish any kind of normal the better.

Bucky walks back to his room, but he is back before Steve can freak out about having said the wrong thing. He has his tablet on his hand and a look on his face that tells Steve to give him the next step.

“Uh, you could search for easy recipes and look for something you like.” Steve is sure someday he is going to have to explain memes and cat videos to Bucky, but he is aware he doesn’t actually have to explain the internet to him. Contrary to Steve, Bucky had been around when it started. “Bookmark whatever you wanna try it. Then we check the pantry to see if we have everything we’ll need. You okay with spaghetti today?”

The fact that Bucky nods instead of shrugging feels like a step in the right direction for Steve.

“Great,” he says, smiling as he stands up. “I hope you two are hungry.”

-

Bucky’s nights don’t improve after their shared dinner with Natasha. In fact, they remain pretty much the same, as his nightmares find him and both Bucky and Steve spend the remaining of the night wide awake. The difference is that Steve has learned to respect Bucky’s space and he no longer comes into Bucky’s room uninvited. Some nights though, when it takes longer for Bucky to wake up when Steve can hear his quiet sobs from the closed room, he sits by the door and talks to Bucky about nothing and everything. He can’t sing like Natasha, but he tells Bucky about his mother’s Gaelic lullabies and how she sang it for both of them when they were little. Steve has no idea if he remembers any of it, but somehow it doesn’t matter, not if it serves its purpose and helps Bucky to quiet down his heartbeat, relax his muscles and shake off the invisible strings of his nightmares from around him. If it helps in any way Steve is glad.

Their days, on the other hand, are much better. Bucky finds a lot of recipes he wants to try. He doesn’t say anything to Steve but a few days after their dinner with Nat he shows Steve the bookmarked sites on his tablet. 

Steve is suddenly excited about Bucky showing interest in something he speaks up without thinking.

"You talked to me before," Steve says. It is a bit of an overstatement, but Bucky really had spoken before. "Why not do it now?" Steve waits patiently but the only response he gets is a shrug. He sighs. "Okay, okay. But you understand me, right?" A lifted eyebrow and a dirty look tell Steve he just asked a stupid question, but he feels good so he presses, "Well, how would I know," he defends himself, smirking, "if you don't tell me?"

Bucky actually stands up and leaves him after that, but he goes to the kitchen instead of his bedroom and Steve counts it as a win.

Steve follows him and sits down at the counter as Bucky looks around.

“Anything I can do to help?” He asks, but Bucky only ignores him as he sticks his head inside the fridge for a couple of seconds until he finds what he needs.

Steve watches as he cracks a couple of eggs into a bowl and whisks it a little. Though the absence of an arm doesn’t seem to be much of a problem, the screen of the tablet keeps going blank after a few seconds and Bucky has to stop what he is doing to wipe his hand and light it up again.

After it happens for the fifth time Steve grabs the tablet and starts to read it out for him. Bucky immediately stops what he is doing to stare at him, and Steve realizes his mistake. He just took something from Bucky without asking permission first. He mentally curses himself. This is what they used to do; it’s not like that anymore.

“Uh, can I?” Bucky seems to debate on it for a moment, and when he finally nods Steve lets out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. He lights up the tablet again. “You gonna need some celery.”

-

“ _If I may offer any help, sir?_ ” says a voice in a British accent out of nowhere, and he instantly has a knife and in his hand as his eyes search for the source of the voice. “ _I apologize for having startled you, Sergeant._ ”

This time he is able to localize the tiny speaker in the corner where the wall meets the ceiling. He frowns at it, wondering if it is one of Rogers' friends watching him. He remembers Rogers specifically telling Stark to turn off the cameras after they took his arm away. He needs to find a way to tell Rogers Stark didn't do as he said.

That is going to be tricky though. So far every time he tries to speak it feels like he is going to pass out. Saliva fills his mouth also and he has to fight back the bile that rises in his throat when he wants to communicate verbally. He can’t help it.

The last time he spoke… there was finally something that was his, a part of his mind that at last belong only to him, but he couldn’t place it and when he asked for help it was taken from him. Talking out of time means pain. He shakes his head, he is losing track of what he was thinking, of where he is.

He is in a kitchen. He’s got only one arm, but that happened before. He tries to trace back the last minutes. A British voice just spoke to him. Stark is not British, none of the other residents are. _Peggy Carter is_ , someone says it inside his head. Red lips, sharp tongue. Steve’s girl.

“ _I realized we haven’t been introduced yet, Sergeant,_ ” says the voice, bringing him back to the present. “ _I am Jarvis, Mr. Stark’s artificial intelligence. I manage the Tower._ ” _Jarvis_. He heard the name before. “ _I assure you I was not trying to spy on you, Sergeant_.”

He wants desperately to tell him to stop calling him that, but he can’t make the words pass through his lips.

“ _I see your distress, and again, I must apologize, sir. I shall call you however you tell me to.”_

 _That’s the problem pal._ He shakes his head, resigned to the fact he can’t even talk to a robot.

“ _If you so please_ ,” Jarvis goes on, undisturbed by his silence. It’s a welcome change to Rogers’ stutters. “ _I could arrange for any ingredient you need to be delivered.”_

He nods. Then, guessing the AI probably has access to his device, tapes at the recipe he is planning to try. He needs artichokes and some of the fancy smelly cheese he is sure he ate somewhere before.

After a few seconds of silence, Jarvis announces, " _Your order should arrive within an hour, sir_.”

“Thanks.”

Over the last few days, he has found cooking to be a pleasant exercise. There are clear instructions to be followed and the end result is, most of the time, something he can be proud of accomplishing. It also serves to delight Steve to no end, though he hasn't said anything about Bucky Barnes cooking in the past.

The truth is there is actually no need for Rogers to tell him that. He remembers. Some of it. His memories are fragmented at best, but every day he feels closer to something resembling a person. He is sure is not the same from before, not the one Steve is waiting for, but it's something that is _him_ , and that is all he can ask for.  

He hopes Rogers is here from the run he announced he was going for two hours ago. Otherwise, he will have to turn Jarvis' delivery down. There is no way he can communicate with a complete stranger, and also he has no money to pay for anything.

“ _You’re welcome_.”

He is so distracted with his thoughts it takes him several minutes to notice Jarvis said something, and a second more to realize why.

 He just spoke to Jarvis.

Something tugs at the corners of his mouth, the feeling so unusual he doesn't notice the tiny smile on his face until he catches a glimpse of his reflection on the surface of the chromed toaster.

-

Steve wakes up with a start and the uneasy feeling of being observed. He can’t really place anything for a few seconds as his eyes search the dark room, not until they fall on the figure on the floor by the door.

Bucky is staring at Steve. He has his knees drawn up against his chest, his single arm resting above them and his chin atop of it. Despite the lack of light the dark circles under his eyes are still visible. He hasn’t really slept in over a week, Steve knows. He isn’t much better.

It’s the first time he is in Steve’s room.

For a while, they just look at each other. Bucky used to say it was creepy, to just stand there looking at someone when they were unconscious. Of course, he was a goddamn hypocrite and Steve had woken up a dozen times from fever induced dreams to find Bucky watching over him.

 _Different circumstances, pal,_ Bucky would say.

Steve would always call him on his crap, not that it changed a damn thing. But that was the game they had been playing from a very young age. Bucky breaks his own rules when it comes to Steve. And Steve fakes indignation – because he has always been too proud for his own good – but in all honesty, he slept better knowing someone cared.

To Steve’s complete surprise is Bucky who breaks the silence for the first time.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles under his breath.

It’s so quiet Steve almost thinks he is imagining it. Maybe Bucky is asleep, maybe _Steve_ is. And for a moment all can do is stare dumbly at Bucky, not knowing what to say. “Buck, I – you, you’re talking to me,” Steve says. Bucky rolls his eyes, though his face remains much too sad. Steve shakes his head then, he shouldn’t waste this opportunity. “Why?”

“I failed,” Bucky answers averting his eyes. He looks down at his bare feet as he speaks. “I promised your ma I’d look after you. I promised I’d be with you after she was gone.” He glances at Steve again. His eyes are damp. “I failed.”

It felt like all the air has been sucked out of Steve’s lungs. He sits up on the bed with his back against the headboard and stares at the man in front of him while a part of him screams at Steve to say something.

Steve goes as far as opening his mouth, but nothing comes out. What could he even say? He doesn't blame Bucky. If anything _Steve_ is the one who should be held responsible. The one time Bucky needed him. _The one time_.  He feels tears sliding down his face when he blinks, but he doesn’t move to wipe them. Bucky won’t accept any consolation coming from Steve, Steve knows, he wouldn’t either.

They spend the rest of the night like that, facing each other, seventy years and a few steps away from one another; crying quietly until dawn finds them. When the first ray of sunshine breaks through the window Bucky stands up, he opens the door and leaves Steve alone with his own demons.

Steve closes his eyes and Bucky smiles at him from behind his eyelids. For a second he is whole again, two human arms and hope on his face. Steve opens his eyes and gets out of the bed. He doesn’t need to check to know that the apartment is empty.


	5. Chapter 5

Foggy is just about to dig in on the delicious-looking burrito he bought for dinner when the doorbell rings. He puts the burrito down and wipes his hands on the paper napkins that came with along with it, and then stands up to go get the door as the person on the other side rings the bell again.

He briefly wonders if it is someone telling him they found an unconscious Matt Murdock in a back-alley dumpster somewhere and Foggy has to go get him. But when he opens the door he is pretty sure the person in front of him has never even stepped in an alley in her life.

“Nelson and Murdock,” Foggy asks Pepper Pots as she watches him from all the way up her heels with a friendly face.

She grins. “Are you?”

Foggy blinks at her for several seconds before his brain cells come back from their smoke break. “Yes,” he says hastily. “I am. Nelson, not Murdock,” he rambles. Wow, he can actually feel the blood rushing all the way up to his cheeks. “Are you lost?”

“Not at all. You’re exactly the person I’m looking for. May I come in?”

He steps back to let her in and is immediately aware of how shabby his and Matt’s office is. The other day he saw a cockroach, and he sincerely hopes it is not around today. Also, he remembers as he follows Pepper freaking Potts in, there is a burrito on his desk.

Pepper doesn’t seem to pay Foggy’s dinner any mind as she takes a sit on the visitor’s chair. She crosses her legs and waits for Foggy to take his place – and put the now cold burrito in a drawer – to tell him the reason of her late visit.

“I apologize for my late visit,” she begins, like a mind reader, “but I only now found out about your firm, and I believe you and your partner are exactly who I need.”

“And, uh, wh-what would that be – exactly?” Not that he is low on self-esteem or anything, but Foggy is finding really hard to think of a reason for someone like Pepper Potts, the person running Stark Industries, to look for them for legal aid.

Ms. Potts takes a file from her bag and places it on the table. “I’ll go straight to the point, Mr. Nelson.” She puts her expensively manicured hands on the file. “A friend of mine is in dire needs of legal representation.”

Foggy puts his insecurities aside and fishes a notepad and a pen from the drawer not containing his dinner. He clicks the pen and opens the notepad on a clean page. “Has he,” he pauses for a moment, “or she already been charged?”

“He,” Potts confirms, “And not yet. You see, the situation is –” for the first time in the night she hesitates, is brief but it’s enough to pick his interest, “somewhat tricky. And I’ll fully understand if you and your partner choose not to take on his case. You will be paid regardless.”

“Okay, uh – my partner is not here right now, but we need more information to even decide if we can take the case.” He looks at the document under her hands. “Anything you say stays here, don’t worry.”

"Oh, I am not worried about privacy," Potts assures him. "In fact, the moment he is charged this case is going to be very, very public. Mr. Nelson –"

“Foggy,” he asks, “please.”

“Foggy, my friend has suffered a lot for a very long time,” she explains. “But the fact is that he is not innocent either. We need to find a middle ground to work on here.”

Foggy scribbles down the words victim and guilty, not really knowing what else to write, but feeling that he should. “I need to know the nature of his crimes.”

“Well, there are quite a few. I made a summary, but mostly,” she clears her throat, “political assassinations,” she says, sliding the file to him.

 She is definitely not kidding; Foggy realizes as he opens the file and skims the document inside. He cannot believe what she wants him to do.

Of all the nights for Matt to go around the neighborhood kicking, and getting his ass kicked, he had to go on the one they are asked to legally represent the Winter Soldier.

-

Steve is fine. He is fine up until the moment he steps out of the elevator on Sam's floor. The minute he passes the doors he feels like his heart is about to be squeezed out of his chest, and it's suddenly almost impossible to bring oxygen into his lungs.

The sensation is well known to Steve; he has had asthma since he was born. Only the serum took that way a long time ago, and now he has no idea what is causing the dark spots dancing in front of him as his vision blurs.

He tries walking, but his legs seem to find the task way too complicated and his knees buckled under him before he can take the first step.

Distantly, Steve can hear a muffled voice talking to him, but he can't make what it is saying over the loud rush of blood in his ears. All he is able to think about is Bucky, gone somewhere, and how the police will take him in when they find him. They won't let him stay with Steve anymore and they won't know how to interpret his silence. They'll let him starve because he is not going to ask for food. Steve has to find him before they do, before they shoot him because Bucky will no doubt resist arrest. And what if someone inside the police is Hydra? What if they kill him?

Steve’s palms feel clammy against the carpet. He cannot believe he just let Bucky leave. He fucking heard the front door. Why the hell did he stay in bed? Steve has to find Sam; they need to go after Bucky, but Steve can’t even stand up, he can’t even _breathe._

Bucky trusted him. He trusted Steve enough to finally speak to him, but Steve clearly didn't help him at all. As always, every time Bucky needs him… And he thinks he failed Steve. Cold settles in his stomach as Steve heaves over the floor. Bucky thinks he failed. What the fuck is wrong with Steve that he let Bucky take any blame at all without saying a goddamn thing?

A hand touches his shoulder and flinches away, startled. He didn’t hear anyone approaching him, and when he looks up all he can make of the person is their shape.

“Buck?” Steve gasps, but whoever it is shakes their head and knees by his side. Steve blinks several times against the feeling of sand in his eyes until he finally sees Sam’s blurred face looking at him. “Sam,” he thinks he is saying, he can barely hear himself. “Whass happenin’?”

He watches Sam’s mouth moving but it is a few seconds before he is able to hear him. “-aving a panic attack,” Sam is saying,” Sam is saying. His voice sounds as if Steve’s ears were under water.

Steve grabs Sam by his shirt to draw his attention. "Buck, gotta find B-Buck," he pants. The rushing in his ears subsides enough that he can make out his own words, and he can hear as his voice breaks when he begs, "Please, Sam."

 “Okay, okay,” Sam tells him as he helps Steve to sit down on the floor. “Do me a favor first, though. Take a deep breath.” He inhales and waits for Steve to do the same. “Just like me. Now hold it ‘til I count.”  

Sam goes from one to ten two times before Steve finally begins to feel calmer. His heart goes back to its normal pace, but at the same time, Steve feels suddenly completely drained of all energy. He wants to curl up on the floor and sleep for the rest of the day, but he has to find Bucky. He glances up at Sam.

“Bucky is missing,” Steve tells him.

Sam ignores him. “How are you feeling?”

Steve shakes his head, they have to find Bucky. “I don’t know where he is,” he insists, standing up. “I need your help.”

Sam sighs as he stands up as well. "Alright, but I'm not going anywhere ‘til you're okay," he says and waits until Steve goes through another series of counted breaths. Okay, did you ask Jarvis?"

“Cameras are off at ours,” Steve tells him. He is so tired he has to bite back a yawn.

Sam shoots him a strange look. “I don’t think they are, Steve.”

“I asked To –” Steve begins to protest but soon realizes Sam is probably right. Of course Stark wouldn’t just give him and Bucky privacy. “He’s watching us.”

“I don’t think it’s like that, and anyway, Jarvis?” Sam calls and the AI responds immediately. “Do you know where Barnes is?”

“ _I do, Mr. Wilson. Sergeant Barnes is at the roof. I apologize. I did not know his whereabouts were the cause of Captain Rogers’ distress. And I guarantee Sir has not, in fact, been spying on any residents. I am only here to assist when necessary._ ”

Some part of Steve’s brains register everything Jarvis tells them, but most of him has stopped listening the moment he said where Bucky is. He turns around, ready to reenter the elevator. “Take me to him, please,” Steve asks Jarvis, but before he can go inside the lift Sam holds his arm.

"I think you better chill here for a while." He looks serious like Steve has rarely seen him before. "I'll talk to him, he is not going anywhere."

Steve wants to protest but he feels exhausted so he doesn’t make much of a fuss to argue with Sam. “I just don’t wanna lose him again,” Steve confesses, his shoulders feel like they weight a ton and he is having a hard time keeping them upright. He sniffs, and it’s only then he realizes he is crying.

"Go inside, grab water from the fridge and wait for me in the sofa," Sam instructs him. Steve nods, looking down at his feet. He didn't even bother with a shoe. He came here to freak out on Sam still in his pajamas. "Hey, look at me. What just happened is completely understandable," Sam tells him, but it's hard not to feel embarrassed now that he can think about it. "You've been under a lot of stress, dude. Don't sweat on it, uh."

Sam offers him a reassuring smile that Steve is unable to return so he just nods again. “Thanks, Sam.”

“Now get your ass inside,” he says, pointing at his door. “I’ll talk to Barnes.”

He doesn’t wait for Steve to say anything back and takes the elevator to the roof. Steve drags his feet inside Sam’s place and flops down on the sofa without bothering with the water. He is cold but he doesn’t want to move so he stays where he is. He closes his eyes and a couple of minutes later he is asleep.

-

He stares down at the city below him. People, cars, even some building look like ants from up here, unimportant. So do his problems. He takes a deep breath and enjoys the fresh air he hasn't felt in weeks. Even the cold feels different, not coming from air conditioners, his eyes water.

It feels like freedom, even though it’s not.

He spoke with Steve and it is as if something has been unchained inside of him. He wants to scream, and there is nothing to stop him, so he does. He screams his nightmares and his demons away. This is different from when he shouts at night from being scared, this is freeing, he does it because he wants to and nothing can stop him. He screams at the wind until his throat is raw.

His name is James Buchanan Barnes. People used to call him Bucky and he is someone. He is not a weapon, he is _not_. He needs to say it out loud, to make it true. Nobody is here to listen, but he has to prove it to himself that this is real.

He breathes in and out trying to quiet down the turmoil inside his head and nausea in his stomach.

“M-my name is Ja-James,” he whispers with difficulty. The words feel heavy against his tongue, but they make his heart lighter. He tries again. “My name is James.” His voice is clearer now, but it still doesn’t satisfy him.

He closes his eyes and blocks the noises from the city below him.

“Bucky,” he tells the wind. “My name is Bucky.” A chuckle echoes through his head, sounds like a little girl, laughing at her big brother’s silly nickname. He smiles, welcoming the memory of Becca. He didn’t get to see her grow up, and for a moment that clouds the moment, but he pushes the feeling aside. He didn’t get so many things; he needs to focus on what he can do for himself now.

So he takes a deep breath, he opens his eyes and tells the city who he is.

“My name is Bucky Barnes!” Bucky shouts and then quietly repeats it to himself, staring down at his single hand, “Bucky Barnes, my name is Bucky Barnes.”

“Nice to meet you,” Wilson’s voice comes from behind him, and the fact Bucky recognizes it is the only reason he doesn’t immediately tackle Sam Wilson over the building. When Bucky turns around Wilson has a smile on his face, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and it can’t completely cover his concern.

Bucky shakes his head, there are some things he should start doing, now that he can talk, and apologizing to Wilson is one of them. "I-I-I'm sorry, for everything." He holds Wilson's gaze as he says it and then gives in to the urge to bow his head down when he is done.

Wilson sighs, he seems to take a moment to consider Bucky’s words before he speaks, “It’s fine, water under the bridge and all that,” Sam tells him. He scratches the back of his head, looking very much out of place there on the roof talking to the man who tried to kill him not long ago. Bucky can’t really blame him. “Look, man. I know this is a loaded question, but,” he hesitates for a second and then makes up his mind, “how are you, dude?”

“I’m fucked up in the head.” 

Wilson snorts, relaxing his posture. “You’re a vet and,” he lets out a low whistle, “gosh, the longest POW I’ve ever met. It’d be weird if you _weren’t_ fucked up in the head.” His words don’t sound all that reassuring, but they seem honest and they settle right with Bucky. “As a matter of fact, you’re not the only messed up World War vet around.”

"Rogers is fine." Steve is the epitome of optimism, in fact, Bucky's _presence_ seems like the only thing that makes him sad, and even then, he is hopeful things will work out between them. 

“ _Rogers,_ ” Sam corrects him, “just had a panic attack at my front door because he thought you were gone.”

“What?” Bucky asks, already bypassing Wilson and heading to the elevator. Why would Steve think that? Bucky just told him he fail once when he left him alone, why would he think Bucky would do that again? He realizes he doesn’t know where Steve is just as he enters the lift. “Where’s he?”

“My floor,” Wilson informs as he steps inside. He pushes the buttons to his floor and turns to Bucky. “You know, ever since I met Steve I’ve wanted to talk about this with someone who knows him better, up until now I thought there wasn’t anyone, but –”

“I don’t remember much,” Bucky interrupts him, but even as he says it, it feels like he is lying. He knows Steve Rogers. Steve is in a very deep part of him, Bucky doesn’t have access to the whole thing yet, but he knows Steve is there. “But yeah, I know him,” Bucky says, and has to fight down a shiver as he remembers what happened the last time he said those exact same words about Steve.

“That’s my point, you know him, so you gotta know he’s not alright.”

Another memory comes to Bucky's mind. He is suddenly assaulted by the vision of a much smaller Steve failing at trying to suppress a coughing fit under the blankets in the middle of the night. And then another, of Steve the size he is now, wearing that stupid uniform and trying to cover an honest to god bullet wound from Bucky with his hands.

“Oh, god,” Bucky says as it finally dawns on him. “He’s been hiding it.”

“I got the feeling he’s suppressing some things,” Sam says but Bucky shakes his head, it’s bigger than that.

"You don't get it," Bucky tells him. "That's what he does, he doesn't bleed on people. And he's really good at pretending he's fine until it all goes to shit." He speaks so fast he is almost out of breath when he stops. Steve Rogers does not believe in the power of asking for help, and apparently, Sam Wilson is the only one around who has noticed.

The elevator stops and Bucky realizes he has actually no idea of how Steve turned up in the future. He makes a note to ask him that later and steps out to Wilson’s floor.

On the outside it is virtually the same one Bucky shares with Steve, but when Wilson opens the door to let them in Bucky notices the space inside is lot more open, with only a counter separating the kitchen from the living room, the colors scheme is also warmer, and since Wilson is not a relic from times gone by his place has way more electronic gadgets around than Steve’s.

Steve is curl up on the couch, sound asleep with his mouth open and snoring softly. _He used to sound like an agonizing animal when he had asthma_ – something tells Bucky –now he barely makes any noise.

"Take a seat," Sam says as he heads to the kitchen.

But Bucky stays where he is, his eyes glued to Steve. Now that he is really looking at him and not just trying to place him somewhere in his mind Bucky thinks he can see it. _What the hell are you doing here Stevie?_

“Here.” Sam passes him a water bottle. He has another two in his hands, he puts one on the coffee table and takes the cap off the third one, taking a long sip from it. “I think he’s going to be out for a while.”

Bucky nods, but he keeps watching Steve. He looks – Bucky doesn’t have a word for it, but it tugs at his heartstrings for some reason. “Is it okay if I wait here?”

Sam looks from him to Steve and then back at him again. He shrugs “Sure, make yourself at home.”

 Bucky thanks him and sits down on the floor at the end of the sofa next to Steve’s feet.

-

When Steve wakes up it is like he just spent another seventy years out. His limbs and his head seem too heavy and he doesn’t feel as rested as he thinks is supposed to be. He frowns, not ready to open his eyes just yet. Steve doesn’t even know _where_ he is. The fabric under him is definitely no his bed though, or his couch. Sam.

Steve opens his eyes. He recognizes Sam's living room, even though is darker than it was when he came in. Somebody, probably Sam, covered him with a blanket at some point and the thing slides down when Steve moves to sit up, it falls over something and something stirs under it. Steve pulls the blanket away and finds Bucky sleeping on the floor, by the sofa.

He immediately reaches out to touch Bucky, to make sure he is real, that Steve is not simply dreaming but something stops him.

“ _Pardon me, Captain,”_ Jarvis says quietly, “ _but Mr. Barnes has only just slept and I believe you should allow him to._ ”

“He didn’t leave,” Steve whispers.

“ _No, sir,_ ” Jarvis agrees. “ _I don’t believe he ever intended to_.”

Steve sits down on the sofa. He is so fucking embarrassed he freaked out in front of Sam. He made a storm over nothing, Bucky is right here, and Steve has no idea what Sam told him about Steve’ breakdown.

“Where’s Sam?”

“ _In his bedroom, I do not have access to it, but I believe Mr. Wilson is asleep, Captain._ ”

“Thank you, uh, how long was I out?”

“ _Seven hours, Captain._ ”

Steve rubs his hands on his face and stares at nothing for about a minute before he stands up and walks over to Sam’s balcony. He watches the city, still in a rush, even though it’s the middle of the night, and wishes he could just go back to Brooklyn.

Although his attention is elsewhere he still hears the moment Bucky gets up from the floor and comes to join him. Steve takes a step aside to give him space. They look at each other, and though Steve is not expecting anything, Bucky speaks.

“Sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to.”

Steve feels himself blush and averts his gaze. “I overreacted,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s not your fault.” Bucky nods in acknowledgment and then turns his gaze toward the city outside. Steve observes him. If the circumstances were different this could be them seventy years ago, watching as the night goes by, with not a dime between them to go out and do something, but also to agitated to just go to sleep. “It’s okay, now? To talk?”

Bucky shrugs. “It’s different. ‘M not used to anymore.”

“It comes back to you,” Steve says with a tentative smile.

“Steve,” Bucky says. And goddamn it if Steve’s knees don’t threaten to give up on him. He holds onto the railing and pretends his heart isn’t racing because it’s been years since he last heard Bucky saying his name, and he had no idea until now, how much he missed the sound of it. “Why are you here? What happened?”

The way Bucky looks at him now is just the same from when he knew Steve had done something stupid, and it makes Steve feel even more homesick. “You know me,” he says with a smirk, being as evasive as he used to be.

And to his surprise, Bucky smiles, but it's small and self-deprecating. "Not like before."

The smirk drops off Steve’s face. He looks down and his eyes fall on the empty sleeve of Bucky’s shirt. All around him he is suddenly acutely aware of all the painful signs that they are no longer in 1939.  “Nothing’s like before.”

“You must miss it a lot,” Bucky says, sympathetically. He is biting his lips nervously when Steve looks up at him again. 

"It's not all bad," Steve adds, trying to take the worried frown out of Bucky's face. He summons his most honest smile. "At least we're here together."

Bucky says nothing to that, but he shifts closer to Steve and, just like that, the night feels a little bit warmer.

-

Sam invites them for breakfast when he wakes up a few hours later and finds the two of them on his couch; Bucky, reading his book, while Steve draws him on a piece of paper he took from a notepad on  Sam's coffee table.

They have finished the omelets Bucky insisted on preparing when Jarvis calls their attention.

“ _If I may interrupt, sirs?_

They are all caught off guard, but Sam is the only one who shows it, by dropping his fork and almost falling off the chair. “Jesus,” he breathes out, bringing a hand to his heart. “Don’t do shit like that, man.” Bucky snorts out a small laugh and it’s so spontaneous it brings a smile to Steve’s own face.

“ _I apologize_ ,” Jarvis says, sounding very much _not_ apologetic.

Sam picks up his fork to point at them. “And you two stop mocking me, you’re eating my food.”

“Sorry, Sam,” Steve says, even though his face says otherwise.

Sam scoff, "Yeah, you're sorry alright." But he can't keep a grin from cracking on his own face. "Anyway, I think Jarvis wants to tell us something." Sam makes a show of looking up to address him. "Floor's yours, buddy."

“ _I appreciate it, Mr. Wilson_ ," Jarvis says. And Steve can't help but think of the real Jarvis, the one who practically raised Tony, one of Peggy's closest friends. They talked about him on one of the last time Steve visited her. He wishes he could have met him, Steve is sure they would have gotten along. He is so lost in thought he almost misses Jarvis' next words. "Ms. Potts and Sir would like to speak to Captain Rogers and Mr. Barnes."

"Is there a problem if I tag along?" Sam asks and at Jarvis' negative he adds, "Then tell them they're welcome here if it's alright with them." He shoots Bucky a brief look before turning his gaze on Steve.

Steve thinks he knows what Sam means here. It’s better if they have whatever conversation they are about to have in a place Bucky feels safe. And, in case things go to shit, he can always go back to their own floor.

A few minutes later Pepper and Tony show up and Sam’s lets them in.

"Ah, just the people we've been looking for," Tony exclaims as he throws himself on the couch as if he had no idea where Bucky and Steve were and just happened to find them.

“We have news,” Pepper says. She hands Steve a file and smiles at him, Bucky and Sam. Steve opens it and finds the information of a law firm. Nelson and Murdock. “They’ve agreed to represent James.” Her eyes turn to Bucky and she quickly adds, “If you’re interested, that is.”

For his part, Bucky shoots Steve a confused look. “Is he going to need that?” he asks Pepper and she hesitates. Steve’s stomach drops – he half expects Pepper to tell them that there is someone downstairs waiting to read Bucky the Miranda Rights – but it’s Sam who asks the question.

“Has he been charged?”

"There's going to be a hearing," Pepper tells them. "It's a delicate situation and no one wants to make any hasty decisions." They don't know what to charge Bucky with, Steve reads between the lines of what she is saying. "I've been in touch with the prosecutor assigned to the case and she wants to hear you," she says to Bucky. He nods but doesn't say anything about it. In fact, he doesn't say anything at all.

“Buck, what do think?” Bucky holds Steve’s gaze but it’s clear he’s reverted to his non-talking state, and Steve is not sure if it’s because of Tony and Pepper’s presence or the stress of the news.

"You should definitely lawyer up," Tony says and Steve gives him one of his dirty looks Natasha calls ‘Captain America is disappointed face'. "I mean it as a life hack, gee," Tony defends himself. He shuffles on the sofa until he is more or less seated. "I for one never make a stupid thing without knowing I have a team of suits backing me up. It's a good habit to get into."

Steve suppresses a sigh. “Bucky is not a criminal,” he argues at the same time as the lawyers’ file is ripped from his hands.

“I’ve checked their work, and I believe they are exactly what we need,” Pepper says. “Public opinion is a mess right now, but that is to be expected. Nelson and Murdock can sway that opinion to our favor and from what I’ve studied of them, they’re very good with delicate cases.” She looks at Bucky and waits until he finishes skimming the file to speak, “They are willing to take your case, now it’s up to you.”

Bucky holds her gaze for a couple of seconds before he finally makes his decision. He licks his lips and glances at Steve for a second, and then he nods.


	6. Chapter 6

From the awed expressions and elevated heart rate rhythm coming from Foggy, Matt assumes the Stark Tower must be as amazing on the inside as he remembers being on the outside.

“How many bathrooms do you think they have here?” Foggy whispers to him.

Matt chuckles and shakes his head. “Why’d you wanna know that?”

“I don’t know,” Foggy admits. “Sounds like something that’ll be on a pub quiz someday, if it isn’t already.”

“Well, make sure to ask somebody before we leave.”

They must reach the reception desk then because his cane hits something as they stop and then Foggy starts talking to someone else.

“Hi, we’re Nelson and Murdock; we have a meeting scheduled with Pepper Potts.”

Technically, Matt knows, they have a meeting with James Barnes, but Ms. Potts instructed them to say they were looking for her when they arrived. If he is honest with himself, Matt is still on the fence about Barnes, if he detects anything strange from him during the interview he is going to call the whole thing off, and personally, suggest that the man is put behind bars.

It’s really hard to believe Barnes committed that many crimes under someone’s influence, without any agenda of his own. Surely he must have had _some_ choice over the course of seven decades. Matt hasn’t gotten the change to go over his file yet, though, there’s no audio or braille version of it yet, so he is aware he’s missing substantial information. He’ll be able to make a better assessment as soon he is in the same room as the Winter Soldier.

The receptionist calls someone else about their clearance and then passes the two off them a couple of visitor badges that, she explains, will grant them access to the personal floors or the Tower.

Once they’re inside the elevator, it talks to them. “ _Good afternoon, Mr. Murdock, Mr. Nelson. My name is Jarvis, I’m Mr. Stark’s AI,_ ” it introduces itself, “ _Ms. Potts has instructed me to take you directly to Mr. Rogers and Mr. Barnes’ apartment._ ”

“Did you hear that,” Foggy says, “We’re actually about to meet Captain America.”

"I know," Matt says. And he has to admit he is a little excited about it as well. Like every kid in the country, he grew up hearing about Captain America and the Howling Commandos. Legend has it that Steve Rogers is a man to look up to.

It takes a few minutes to get them to Barnes’ floor and it’s a testament to how enormous the Stark Tower is.

Jarvis tells them they are being expected and that they should open the first door they come in to. Matt stands by as Foggy pushes the door open and then walks in in front of him.

“Mr. Murdock, nice to meet you,” a female voice Matt assumes it’s from Pepper Potts says to him.

He extends his hand. “The pleasure is mine,” he says as she gives him a firm handshake.

“Mr. Nelson – sorry, Foggy – it’s nice to see you again.”

“You too.”

"Please, follow me," Ms. Potts tells them. Matt follows the faint sound of her heels clicking on the floor. "Take a seat."

Foggy helps him find the chair as he acknowledges the other two people in the room, whose heartbeats are slightly elevated.

“Steve Rogers, nice meeting you,” Captain America introduces himself as he shakes Foggy’s and them Matt’s hands. “This is Buc- James Barnes.” The Winter Soldier’s heartbeat picks up even more but he doesn’t say anything. Matt notices he swallows hard and runs a hand through his pants when Foggy addresses him. “Bucky’s been having trouble talking,” Rogers explains.

“We understand the situation is delicate,” Foggy tells him and Matt feels that they might be a bit more out of their depth than they thought.

He touches Foggy’s leg under the table to let him know he wants to talk. “I didn’t get the chance to read your file myself,” he says towards Barnes. “Though Foggy gave me the summary of it, I’d like to hear it from you what the situation is to see how we can help.”

As expected Rogers is the one who starts talking. "In 1945 Bucky fell from a train in the Alps." He pauses for a moment to take a deep breath. Matt can't help but notice the story affects both men in front of him. "Before that he had already been captured once – and he was tor– experimented on by a Nazi scientist. We didn't know back then," again Rogers has to take a minute to compose himself, "but they gave him something similar to the serum I received in '43, that made me like this. That's how he survived the fall. He was found eight hours later. He lost part of his arm and the people who found him cut away the rest." The Captain hesitates for a while before he speaks again. "There's a gap of about six years on the file, and then Arnin Zola attached a metal arm on Bucky and spent the rest of his life torturing and conditioning him."

The anger and hatred in Rogers' voice is almost palpable. All the while James Barnes shows no reaction besides his elevated heart rate.

“During the time you were with HYDRA did you ever try running?” Foggy asks the question that was on the tip of Matt’s tongue.

"Twice," Rogers tells them. "He was captured not even seventy hours later and had both his legs broken as punishment before they wiped him with the double of the voltage they usually applied. There's a side note about the second time," Rogers huffs. "It says his heart stopped for almost a minute."

“I’m really sorry,” Foggy says to Barnes.

"The Attorney General was ready to issue a pardon, but there are a lot of controversial opinions surrounding James and so they announced a preliminary hearing before going further in any direction," Ms. Potts informs.

“You are not getting a pardon,” Matt says. “A pardon implies guilt, which is clearly not the case here.” Now that Matt has heard the story – and most importantly – now that he can hear in the frantic beating of Barnes’ heart and the way he is quietly trying to keep his breathing in check, he knows Foggy was right not to dismiss the case.

“What’s your angle then?” Potts asks.

“Mr. Barnes, you cannot be held responsible for things you’ve done when you were not in the possession of the mental ability to understand what you were doing.”

“Also, nobody gave him a choice,” Rogers jumps in. “Nobody asked Bucky to do any of this, he was _forced_. He’d never do that, I know him. He’s a good person; you gotta make them see that.”

"We understand," Foggy says, no doubt trying to calm the Captain down. "Layman's terms? We have to show them the Nazis messed with your brain for years, that they manipulated you into submission and violated your rights. And that's not gonna be so hard since we already have documented proof of what you've been through."

Matt realizes Foggy and he are going to different directions with the case. Foggy wants to show Barnes as a victim, and although he sympathizes with his suffering, Matt is not sure seven decades of killings should just be swept under the rug.

“The hearing is in a month,” Rogers says, “what do we do?”

“We’re going to prepare a –”

“You find a psychiatrist.”

Matt and Foggy say at the same time.

“Matt?”

"It's a hearing," Matt says, and he can actually feel all eyes on him as he speaks. "They'll want to _hear_ you, Mr. Barnes. Not the Captain. You need to be able to tell them your version of this, your story.”

"And in the meantime, we'll prepare a strategy in case the hearing doesn't go in our favor," Foggy adds. "We also strongly suggest that you get in contact with a VA, Mr. Barnes. They can appoint you to a psychiatrist and help you back into civilian life."

“Bucky is not allowed to leave the Tower,” Rogers says. “But we have a friend that can help with that.”

“Great,” Foggy says, and Matt can sense the smile on his face.

"If that's everything for today," Matt says after a small pause in the conversation.

“Uh, sure, yeah,” Rogers answers.

 There is some shuffle as they all get up and then Foggy is nudging him, a sign that meant somebody wants to shake Matt's hand. He extends it and discovers it is Rogers. "Thank you very much for helpin' us." He sounds so earnest and sincere that Matt can't help but to think television and the media, in general, has no idea who the man they talk about so much is.

He also feels like he is deceiving him because Matt is not sure how he feels about James Barnes just yet. Nonetheless, he answers Rogers in kind. "You're welcome. We'll do anything in our power to bring justice." The fact he doesn't say to whom or how is not lost to Barnes, if the shifting on his breathing is any indication.

Once they say their goodbye to Ms. Potts and Barnes, with a promise to keep in touch, they enter the elevator and its doors barely close before Foggy starts turn to him.

“What the he –”

Matt puts a hand over Foggy’s mouth before he can complete the sentence. “Excuse me, Jarvis?” he calls, as he slowly takes his hand away.

“ _Yes, sir_.”

“Could you call us a cab, if it’s not too much trouble?”

“ _Not at all, sir,_ ” the AI responds.

Thankfully, Foggy gets the message and waits until they’re out of the building and inside the taxi to bring the subject again.

“Are you trying to institutionalize our client for life?”

“We don’t know him Foggy, he could be dangerous.”

“Are you serious, Matt?” Foggy exclaims. “He’s a victim! He’s been tortured for years. You can’t seriously be considering blaming him, are you?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Matt tries to argue. “He suffered extensive brain damage, from what you told me. This might be for his own good. We have no idea if he’s even capable of telling right from wrong anymore.”

"And you don't think he deserves the benefit of the doubt." From the shuffle of his clothes, Matt realizes Foggy just crossed his arms. "Matt, the man has been through enough."

“He’s also done enough, Foggy,” Matt says. He lowers his voice. “If he wasn’t where he is now, I’d probably be out there – _looking_ for him.”

Foggy doesn’t miss a bit. “Then you’d be a fucking hypocrite and you know it.” He uncrosses his arm and turns towards Matt. “We’re not basing our client’s defense on mental disorder,” he says in a finite tone. “They hired us to help him, not screw him over.”

Matt sighs. He is still not sure but he knows Foggy won’t give in either, and he rather not to have this discussion – well, not more of it – in the back of a cab. “Fine.”

"Fine," Foggy echoes him. "And the first thing we're doing is trying to lift the motion about his not leaving the Tower. He hasn't been convicted of anything; they can't keep him under house arrest."

Matt agrees again as they exit the taxi and the man informs them the fare has already been paid. He doesn’t say anything else on the subject, even as he makes a plan to go visit his client again at night.

-

Bucky is completely drained by the time the lawyers leave the apartment. It’s clear he is not comfortable talking in front of other people just yet, so Steve tries to politely dismiss Pepper before addressing him.

“Thanks for finding them,” Steve says.

Pepper smiles at him. “It’s no problem, really.” She looks at Bucky. “I hope it’s okay with you, James? We’ll find someone else if you want.” Bucky doesn’t look at her as he shakes his head, but Pepper gets the message. She also notices how tired he is then, and proceeds to stand up.

Steve follows her to the door. “I – I don’t know what else to say besides thank you.”

She stops at door and places a warm hand on Steve’s face. “I understand,” she says, glancing briefly at something behind Steve. “It’s hard to see people we love suffering.”

"Yeah," Steve agrees with a sigh. He puts his hands in his pockets, not knowing what to do with them.

Pepper smiles. “Take care of yourself, Steve.”

Steve doesn’t accompany her to the elevator, but he stays at the door until she is gone. Then he goes back to Bucky, who has moved from the dining table they had held the meeting to the sofa. Steve sits down next to him.

“How you feeling?”

“I – do you think – do you think I need a shrink?”

“That’s not a bad thing.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Sam says I need one too,” Steve says instead of answering.

Bucky frowns at him as he watches Steve for a moment. “Do you think _you_ need it?”

Steve thinks hard before giving Bucky an answer. He doesn’t want Bucky to think that there is something wrong with him, with either of them really. But Steve’s case is different. He’s suffering from the guilt caused by everything he didn’t do right. Perhaps he needs to work on that, but it’s not the same thing. Compared to Bucky Steve is fine, he is fine.

“Tell you what,” he finally says, making up his mind, “how about we both look into it?” He turns on the sofa so he is facing Bucky. “Sam said it helped him a lot when he came back to being a civilian. It helped a lotta soldiers –  talking to someone.”

Bucky sighs. “I don’t know, Steve. It’s hard – talking, I mean. The thought of it makes me freak out.” He shakes his head. “I’m not sure I can do that.”

Steve tries to argue. “Buck, you’re talking to me,” he points out, trying to offer Bucky an encouraging smile. “You talked to Sam.”

But Bucky just shrugs. “Sam’s easy to talk to. And you – you’re… _you_.”

In spite of the seriousness on Bucky's face, Steve can't help but chuckle. "What's that supposed to mean?"

“I don’t know, Rogers,” Bucky says defensively, and it just makes Steve’s grin larger. This is so typical Bucky, to call Steve by his last name when he is being infuriating. Steve is sure he doesn’t even realize he is doing it. “Quit laughing at me.”

The words have – obviously – the opposite effect and Steve just barks a laugh at Bucky's little pout, but he soon sobers up. "Seriously, though. Let's do this," he suggests again. "I'll go with you if you want."

“No,” Bucky says, knocking the grin off Steve’s face. “I do my thing, you do yours.” He licks his lips, but at the same time he straightens his back and looks Steve in the eye when he says, “If I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna do it myself.”   

A bout of pride explodes inside of Steve at Bucky's words. He is doing it; he is taking back the reigns of his life. And Steve is so goddamn happy to see it happening he doesn't even stop to think before surging forward and involving Bucky in a hug.

When Steve finally realizes what he is doing he is already holding Bucky tightly against him, and he can feel how fast Bucky’s heart is beating against his.

And for a moment Bucky is frozen, he doesn’t move to either push Steve away or hug him back. Steve knows he should probably put some distance between them, but he can’t bring himself to. His face is pressed against Bucky’s neck and when Steve breathes in the smell he feels is _home_.

"I – I really missed you, Buck." His mouth is moving before he even realizes he is speaking.

At first, Steve is sure Bucky won't respond, but a few seconds later his arm comes up to tentatively wrap itself around Steve. His fist closes on the back of Steve's shirt and Bucky holds at it like a drowning man would a lifeboat as he lets out a single, broken word.

“ _Steve_.”

The lump in Steve’s throat doesn’t let him speak, but he tightens his hold on Bucky, and Bucky tightens his grip on him and they don’t need any word for that. They know. They know neither of them will ever let go again.

-

_For once, he is aware of the fact he is dreaming. And it does not scare him, he realizes, because this – the clear skies above, the old city in tones of sepia, the sounds of people milling about their days, the dogs barking, the cats meowing, and more importantly, the sound of pencil scratching paper – this is not a nightmare._

_He looks down at his human, matching arms resting on the rusty railing of the fire escape. He stares at his hands, opening and closing his fingers into fists like he’s never seen them before. It almost feels like that._

_"What the hell are doing?" Steve asks as he joins him, sitting down with his legs dangling outside. "Did the heat finally kill those two old cells up there?" he says, gesturing to Bucky's head. Bucky studies him. Steve is just a small fella with blond hair and artist's hands._ He oughtta be playing the piano or something _, Bucky thinks._

_“If you had all the money in the world,” Bucky speaks suddenly. He is a little bit amazed at how his voice sounds, so carefree. “What’d you do?”_

_Steve wipes sweat out of his brow and manages to smudge charcoal on both his forehead and his pants when he wipes his hand on it. "Buy the biggest fan I could find. Or snow, I'm pretty sure if you're rich you can import snow from the North Pole or Canada."_

_Bucky licks his thumb and then quickly, before Steve even knows he is moving, uses his wet thumb to clean Steve's face. Steve squeals and squirms away from him when the wetness connects with his forehead and Bucky throws his head back to laugh at the indignant look on Steve's face. Steve shoves him against the wall, but it only causes Bucky to laugh more._

_“What?” he says to Steve’s little pout. “Your ma does it.”_

_“You’re not my mother Barnes,” Steve protests. And Bucky only stops because whenever one of them brings up the other’s last name is because they are real embarrassed and Steve is too proud to do embarrassment._

_“Seriously, though,” Bucky goes back to his question. “Just that? You gotta think long term here, Stevie. What’d you do with all your money?”_

_Steve stops to think about it, his hair is a bit too long and it gets in his eyes when he bows his head, but he is too busy inside his head to stop and deal with it. Bucky closes his fists, this time to prevent himself from reaching out and swiping it to the side._

_"I dunno, Buck," Steve says at last as they watch the street below. "Prolly find a way to improve our lives. Our parents wouldn't have to work anymore. You wouldn't have to go to the docks."_

_“Uh,” Bucky contemplates Steve’s answer. It is exactly the kind of thing he would expect from Steve Rogers. Bucky’s own answer wouldn’t be as selfless. “I’d go to Europe, or I dunno, Japan or something and I’d stop the War.” He doesn’t know why he says it, Steve doesn’t even know about the War yet. But Steve doesn’t look puzzled when Bucky faces him again. “I’d keep you out of it,” he confesses, “I’d keep us both out.”_

_And perhaps the Steve in Bucky's dream knows more than he thinks because the next thing he says is not something little Steve should know yet. "What about the serum? It helped me a lot."_

_“I know,” Bucky agrees. “But I’d talk to your doc, I’d track ‘im down and ask him to make a version that’d cure you, but not change you.” He hadn’t realized how much he missed Steve like this until he spoke. Bucky supposes this is probably how Steve feels in real life when he looks at him. Homesick and frustrated because there is nothing he can do to make things go back to how they were._

_In his dream, Steve only scoffs. “Why? So you can be bigger than me for the rest of our lives?”_

_“Fine,” Bucky concedes with a sigh. “I’ll ask the doc to throw in something to make you big too, Alice.”_

_“Thank you,” Steve says sarcastically._

_"You're welcome," Bucky says in much the same tone. After a couple of minutes of silence, he speaks again. "I miss us like this," Bucky finally admits out loud, even if it's only in dream. "There's a lot I don't remember, but I miss it."_

_Steve reaches out and takes his hand, the one he lost. “I miss it, too,” he says, squeezing Bucky’s hand. Bucky can almost feel it. “But things can be good now, even if they’re different, even if_ we _are.”_

The dream dissolves before Bucky has the change to say anything else, and just like that the sounds of the city begin to filter through the sleep fog in his head. He squeezes his eyes tightly before finally opening them. The apartment is dark, but the television is on and it cast a blue glow over the couch where they had both fallen asleep. Steve is still out, his mouth is open and he drooling on the cushion beneath his head.

Bucky remembers this.

Steve’s words from the dream resonate on his mind. _Things can be good now,_ even if everything is different, _even if we are._

“I believe you,” Bucky tells him in a whisper.

He shuts off the television and throws the cover from the sofa over Steve before heading to his own bedroom. If he is lucky, perhaps he can still dream tonight.


	7. Chapter 7

When Steve knocks on Sam’s door at ass o’clock his first thought is that something happened to Barnes and Steve need his help. That’s the reason he shoots out of the bed in a heartbeat and doesn’t even bother with slippers or flip-flops before heading to the door.

Once Sam takes a good look at him though, Sam realizes Jarvis forgot to inform him that Steve is not, in fact, panicking but instead looks very fresh in his stupidly tight running clothes.

“You are _not_ serious,” Sam tells him and Rogers has the audacity to grin at him.

"It's been a while," he says by way of an excuse.

But it’s too early and Sam is not having it. “Since what, me watching you from afar?”

Steve just rolls his eyes. “Come on, we’re wasting time,” he urges. “We won’t be able to get the sunrise at this rate.”

“You know,” Sam counters, “ _not_ getting the sunrise was kind of my goal when I went to bed last night.” But even as he says it he turns around and goes to his bedroom to change into his running gear. 

Steve shoots him a smug look when Sam rejoins him in the living room.

“Shut up,” Sam says as he closes the door behind them.

“Didn’t say anything,” Steve protests with a smirk.

“Uhuh, yeah.”

Before they reach the elevator Steve stops and turns to Sam, serious this time. “Look, Sam, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here so early. Sorry I woke you. You don’t have to do this.”

Sam shakes his head. “Are you kidding me, Rogers? I’m already up now. ‘Sides, I’m only half teasing ya. I like our runs, I’ve missed them.” Steve seems unsure for a moment and Sam bypasses him to call the elevator. “You coming?”

Once they start their jogging Steve doesn't immediately run off in front of him like he usually does, instead, he keeps pace with Sam. That's how Sam knows there is something going on.

He waits until they are half way the first lap to approach the subject. “Alright, man. Spill.”

To his credit, Steve doesn't pretend not to know what Sam is talking about. “That obvious, huh?” It’s a rhetorical question which Sam lets slide. He keeps his mouth shut and Steve soon realizes he is should start talking. “We need shrinks, Bucky and I.”

Sam stops in his tracks. He runs the back of his hand over his brow to wipe off the few drops of sweat that were starting to gather there. He is about to praise Steve for the step in the right direction, but Rogers ruins Sam's hopes before he can even open his mouth.

“I think it’ll be good for him if he sees me doing to, you know,” Steve says as he stops next to him. “It’ll be less scary.”

“And what exactly do you plan on telling your shrink,” Sam decides to press.

Steve shrugs. “I’ll think of something.”

Sam takes a moment to think of the best way to approach Steve. He thinks about his own experience, but really, it’s hard to find common ground with what is going on with Steve. “The important thing is,” he hesitates for a second, trying to find the right words. “The important thing is that you do. Talk,” he clarifies.

Steve shoots him a confused grin. “About what?”

“Steve.”

“I’m doing this for Bucky,” Steve says, shaking his head.

Sam spots a bench a few steps ahead of them and motions for Steve to go take a sit on it. Once they are there he speaks again. “You remember our talk about PTSD?” He waits for Steve to nod before continuing. “You know why I approached the subject, right?”

The conversation had happened during one of Steve’s visits to the VA. Sam had invited him for a meeting, but Steve had been too self-conscious and end up showing up only at the end of it. The point Sam is trying to make now is that it all happened before they found about Barnes.

“I’m fine, Sam,” Steve says, though this time he is not smiling. He is not dumb; he knows what Sam is implying. And as for his part, Sam keeps his mouth shut and waits for the other shoe to drop. It doesn’t take long. “What’d you do if Riley came back?”

It is not what Sam was expecting, and, to be honest, he starting to see just how codependent Steve’s relationship with Barnes is, but he chooses to linger on the positive side of things. Steve is finally ready to assume something is wrong.

“Honestly, I’d freak out,” Sam admits, “first of all, I’m talking passing out, here.”

Steve lets out a small chuckle. "And then?"

Sam looks at the sky above them. The sun is half way there already. Sometimes he likes to imagine Riley is up there, looking out for him still. But Sam has seen too much of life to even be certain if he believes that or not. “Then I’d hug him,” he tells Steve, “with everything I got. I mean, I could kiss that fucker. Man,” he drawls out, shaking his head at the idea.

Steve looks down at his hands as he plays with his fingers. Sam watches him, and as he does he remembers something Bucky told him. _He’s been hiding._ And Sam can see it now. He is not sure how much Barnes remembers of his life, but he is almost certain the man in front of him is not the same Barnes grew up with.

"How'd happen?" Sam asks. Steve glances up at him with a puzzled look. "One minute you were on a plane in 1945," Sam clarifies, "the next you're in the twenty-first century. How'd that happen to you?"

For a moment Sam is not sure Steve will answer. Or perhaps he will just say he is fine again. It takes about a minute, but when Steve finally opens his mouth he does neither.

“It wasn’t a minute,” he confesses, his gaze downcast again. “It took forever until – until I blacked out. The serum kept me from drowning for a long time, but I was stuck.” He lets out a long, drawn out breath. “Then I started – I don’t know – dreaming, I guess? ‘Til I woke up here.”

“Steve, I’m no shrink but, you went through a drastic change of – everything in your life. That’s gotta be hard to deal with, man. It’s okay to ask for help.”

Steve shoots Sam a completely forced grin. “Thanks, Sam,” he says, getting up. “But it’s fine, really.”

Sam has to fight hard to suppress a sigh. He stands up as well and flexes his legs. All the work he has been doing at the VA helped him develop his patience, but good god, Steve is one stubborn mule.

“Alright,” Sam concedes, deciding to let it go for now. Steve will get the help he needs soon. And Sam can’t force him to deal with things if he doesn’t want to. “I’ll check with the VA for psychiatrists for both of you.”

“Do you think it’ll take long? I don’t wanna rush anybody but Bucky needs to be able to talk for the hearing."

Sam is very much aware of how long this kind of stuff takes, but at the same time he is sure name dropping Steve can speed things up a little. He doesn’t say anything to Steve, though, because Sam knows he would never accept it.

“I don’t think so,” Sam lies. And it’s for a good cause, so he doesn’t feel bad when Steve smiles gratefully at him.

-

When they get back to the Tower Sam heads straight to his apartment to go get ready for work. He transferred from the VA in the DC to the one in New York. Steve doesn’t know if _he_ is the cause of Sam changing his entire life, but he sure is grateful to have him here. Steve loves the sort of family he has with the Avengers, but he doesn’t he connects as well with them as he does with Sam.

Steve enters the elevator and, out of politeness, Jarvis asks him if he is going to the floor he shares with Bucky. Steve is just about to tell him yes when he remembers there is something he has to do. So instead of going to his own floor, Steve asks Jarvis to take him to wherever Tony is, which ends up being, of course, his lab.

“Ah, just the man I wanted to see," Tony greets him as Steve steps inside.

“We need to talk,” Steve says; and he is sure he doesn't hint at anything fun, but nevertheless his statement is met with a broad grin from Tony.

"We sure do" Tony agrees, even though they are most definitely not on the same page here. "You see," he starts at the same time he goes back to tinkering with one of his suits. "There's this fundraising thing, _beauuuutiful_ cause, really. And we were asked to volunteer an Avenger for it. And I volunteered you." Tony says, pointing at Steve with a wrench. Steve opens his mouth, Tony keeps going. "You don’t have to worry about a speech or anything. It’s pretty standard stuff. Shake babies, kiss hands, that sort of thing."

"Tony," Steve says, but he has nothing to follow that with. And in the back of his head, there is a video replaying that day in the hospital, when Tony said how hard it was for Pepper to get Bucky to stay with him. There's no way Steve can say no to Tony now. "I don't," he hesitates for a second before settling with, "I don't think I have anything to wear."

"Jarvis," Tony simply says. And a moment later comes the answer.

_"The tailor should arrive in an hour, sir."_

"Thanks, buddy," he says to Jarvis. Then to Steve, "Problem solved."

Steve nods. And he is instantly filled with the urge to leave. “Okay, I – uh,” he says taking careful backward steps towards the door. He has to get out of here before Tony decides to choose his underwear or something. “You, uh, you let me know.”

Thankfully, Tony’s attention is already elsewhere by the time Steve reaches the door. “Yeah, yeah, J will take him to you,” he says, his head half way inside an Iron Man suit.

Steve doesn’t waste another minute. He gets out of there, and it’s only when he is already on his way to his floor that Steve remembers the reason he went to see Tony in the first place: Steve has to talk to him about Tony's invasion of his privacy. He lets out a long breath. Clearly, today is not the day for that.

-

Bucky is just about to finish The Count of Monte Cristo – and he does see the irony of the story – when Jarvis announces that Romanoff is at his door. He leaves the tablet – and thank god he learned pretty quickly how to synchronize it with his phone, the small font was giving him headaches –  on the bed and forgoes his shoes as he heads to get the door.

“Hello, James,” she smirks at him.

Bucky really just wants to tell her Steve isn’t here so that he can go finish his book and try the recipe he bookmarked a few days ago, but there is still something blocking him. He feels nauseous at the notion of talking to anyone else besides Steve, and maybe Wilson, too.

But he told Steve he would try, so he simply lets her in. Plus, there is something about Natalia, which Bucky can quite put his finger on, but it makes him feel somewhat at ease around her.

She takes a place on the sofa as if he just invited her. “So, how are you?”

Bucky frowns at her, not sure if she is serious. Romanoff – wait, wasn’t that Romanova, he tries to remember what Jarvis said, but he can’t be sure. And anyway, she pats the empty space on the sofa next to her. Begrudgingly, Bucky sits down, though he chooses to put more distance between them than she offered.

Romanoff stops the pretense. “Do you remember me?”

Does he? Bucky studies her. There is something about her eyes, her fiery hair. He knows her, he realizes. He just doesn't remember how. Bucky opens his mouth; this would be a good moment to start expanding the circle of people with which he can communicate verbally.

"It was a long time ago," Natalia speaks when she notices he can't. She avoids his gaze then, for the first time, and looks down at her lap. The attitude seems very unlike her, from what Bucky could gather since he met her, but it's also something he knows from – like she said – a long time ago; another life.

Now that she is not looking, and her guards are somewhat down, Bucky feels a little bit safer when he opens his mouth, as long as she doesn’t look at him, maybe he can… “Yo-you sang for me,” he whispers.

Something resembling a smile crosses her face, but thankfully her eyes remain downcast. “I used to sing it every night before sleep,” Romanoff says in Russian. She inhales sharply, steeling herself for something. She straightens her posture and it makes Bucky nervous for some reason. “Even when you laid by my side.” She smirks, but there is still a trace of vulnerability behind her eyes.

Images flash inside of his head. He trained kids, and then he trained teenagers. They were all the same, although older. A red headed girl caught his attention because she had skills the others lacked. He caught the attention of a red headed woman because she liked something she saw in him. Bucky never knew until now they were the same.

“Natalia,” he breathes out.

“Hello, _milii moi_ ,” she answers with a smile.

“It’s you,” Bucky says, and he is so lost in the revelation he doesn’t even have it in him to panic at the thought of talking, he just does. There’s someone else in this world besides Steve who knows who he is somewhat. And that is a comforting knowledge.

She turns on the sofa, putting one leg under the other so that she is completely facing him. "Listen, James," Natalia begins, "I have to apologize."

“For what?” Bucky asks. He blinks and he sees himself lying on a dirty patch on a hill, aiming down at the targets. When he shoots he hits two people and kills one of them with a single bullet. "What are you talking about? _I_ shot you," He says in Russian for some reason he can't explain. It is easier to express himself in something other than English, the weight of his words feel different on his tongue and they don't choke him as much.

“We’ve all done terrible things under the,” she cocks her head, “ _influence_ of others,” Natalia says. “That’s not what I’m talking about.” She inhales sharply. “James I, I knew who you were and I didn’t tell Steve.” She offers him a lopsided, self-loathing smirk. “How could I tell Rogers I took advantage of his best friend?”

Bucky is confused by her statement. He remembers what happened now, they had something, while she was still in the Red Room. He doesn't know how long it lasted, but he knows there had been a severe punishment when they were found out. Bucky is almost sure Natalia did not, in fact, choose that.

“But – I don’t understand,” he admits. And again, it’s easier to do so in Russian.

“James, you were in no place to consent to anything that happened between us,” Romanoff explains. Bucky is having a hard time reconciling his memories with what she was saying. “I used you.”

The door knob twists, announcing Steve's return a second before he enters the apartment. Out of the corner of his eyes, Bucky watches as Natalia gracefully stands up even before Rogers steps inside. 

“Well, I better go,” she says, just as Steve says:

"Hey," he smiles at her. He looks at Bucky's face, and he must see something there because he takes a step back, looking at the corridor and then back at Bucky and Natalia. "Ah, if – if you guys were talking, I – I can come back later," Steve offers.

Romanova shakes her head. “No need. I was just keeping James company while you were gone." She winks playfully at Bucky like she hadn't been exposing her wounds a minute ago. "He misses you."

Bucky is pretty sure he hasn't blushed in the last seven decades, but goddamn it, this is not the time to break that record. He doesn't even understand why her words caused the reaction in the first place, but he sure can feel the heat on his cheeks. To his relief, Steve also seems uncomfortable as he shuffles his weight from one leg to the other, while he appears to be debating if he should go or not. Bucky just wants _Natalia_ to go for now. He doesn’t blame her for anything besides the strange mood she just installed.

Natalia cuts the silence with a “See you, boys,” as she bypasses Steve and leaves the two of them alone.

“The hell was that?” Steve asks once they hear the elevators door opening and then shutting for her.

Bucky shrugs. “How should I know?”

Steve doesn’t bite his snappy comment, though. Instead, he smirks at Bucky and then coos, “Aw, Buck. You missed me!”

Bucky throws a cushion on Steve’s smug face. “Get fucked, Rogers.”

But the insult only serves to incite Steve even more, and he spreads his arms as he starts walking towards Bucky. “Come on, give us a hug.”

Steve doesn’t need to step much closer for Bucky to smell him. He stinks. Bucky scoots to the other end of the sofa. “Don’t come any closer.”

“Come on, Buck,” Steve says again, grinning like the cat that got the canary, as he slowly approaches. “I’ve missed you, too, pal.”

“Nah, nuh uh,” Bucky says back, but can’t keep a straight face. He uses his hand to stop Steve when he gets to him. “You missed a couple of showers, that’s what you missed.”

Steve pauses to sniff under his arms. “It’s not that bad,” he complains. Bucky’s nose begs to differ. He changes the position of his hand from vertical to horizontal, offering it to Steve. “What’s that?” Steve asks with a lifted eyebrow.

“Compromise.”

“So you did miss me,” Steve pushes.

“Offer expires in three seconds, Rogers,” Bucky tells him.

Steve exhales and rolls his eyes, but ends up accenting Bucky’s handshake. His hand is warm, in contrast with Bucky’s cold one. The mixing of both sensations causes a light shiver to run down Bucky’s spine. He’s about to let go when Steve, the little punk that he is, tighten the grip on Bucky’s hand and pulls him from the sofa – directly onto his sweaty shirt.

Since Steve has yet to let go of the only arm Bucky has, he is not able to control his balance in time and, as he crashes onto Steve, Bucky’s weight sends the both of them down on to the sofa. Steve lets out a breathy laugh as Bucky falls on top of him.

“Punk,” Bucky says, still pressed on Steve’s shirt. He can hear the fast beating of the heart beneath him. There had been something wrong with Steve’s heart before, Bucky is certain. Uncle Sam fixed that too.

“Did you fall asleep on me?”

Bucky struggles a bit to sit back up, which really, shouldn't happen. He's got better coordination than this, both arms or not. But Steve caught him by surprise so he doesn't dwell much on it. Bucky scrunches his nose as he wipes some of Steve's sweat out of his face.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to get it all over you,” Steve says. He doesn’t sound sorry at all, but Bucky lets it slide, his own heart is pounding faster with all of this commotion. “Hey,” Steve calls. His tone is different now, and it draws Bucky’s attention back to him. “Were you talking,” he starts, tentatively, “with Natasha, I mean. Did you talk to her?”

“Yeah,” Bucky admits. “a little.”

Steve shoots him a blinding smile. “That’s great, Buck.”

Bucky is just about to tell him it’s not all that impressive since he actually knew Natasha from before, but then Jarvis announces they have yet another visitor.

“ _Your tailor is here, Mr. Rogers.”_

Bucky lifts an eyebrow at Steve. And Steve’s shoulders drop as he tells Jarvis to let to give him ten minutes before letting the man up. He turns to Bucky. “I have to go to a fundraising thing,” he announces, with the same enthusiasm someone would announce a life sentence. "I needed a fancy suit, and Tony –” Steve gestures as if to encompass what he means. Bucky gets it.

“Good luck with that,” he says as both stand up. “I – am going to be in my room.” Despite today’s progress with Natalia, Bucky’s threshold for strangers is still very, very low.

“Well, guess I should take that shower you mentioned.”

“You do that, pal,” Bucky tells him, already half way to his bedroom. “You do that.”

-

The tailor touches Steve in places he does not want to be touched by a stranger. The whole situation is incredibly awkward, and Steve hadn’t felt this much like a life-size doll since the days Captain America was a show.

When is all over Steve accompanies Mr. Wing to the elevator and when he comes back to his bedroom he finds Bucky sitting at the foot of the bed.

“So, how was _that_ experience?”

“Felt like an oversized doll?” Steve only realizes what he said _after_ Bucky is already smirking at him. “I didn’t mean it like that, you know.”

“Sure, buddy. Whatever you say.”

Steve decides, for the sake of his sanity, to ignore him. Although part of him can't help but warm at the banter. He's missed this so goddamn much. And Steve had been ready to not have that again, to put a damper on his hopes so that he wouldn't hurt Bucky by expecting too much. The last couple of hours – not counting the tailor – were more than Steve had thought, more than he had dared to hope, to get back.

He is about to close the door of the closet when Bucky speaks again and brings him to a halt.

“I slept with Natasha.”

Steve chokes on his own saliva. And for some reason, he is not brave enough to turn around and face Bucky yet. "What?" he gasps out after he manages to get the coughing down. Steve's eyes are huge when he gets a glimpse of himself in the mirror; his face is red with embarrassment.

"Not today," Bucky adds hurriedly.  "It was years ago," he completes a little more quietly. After a couple of deep breaths, Steve finally works up the courage to look at him. Bucky looks as embarrassed as Steve feels. "I trained her," Bucky tells him, "and a bunch of other girls."

“Red Room,” Steve says. He heard about it. He knew it was the where Nat had come from, where she got most of her training. But he had no idea it was Bucky. “She lied to me,” he realizes.

“Steve,” Bucky tries to call him, but Steve can’t focus on whatever he says next. She knew who Bucky was when he shot Fury. She knew who he was when Steve went after him. She knew he was _alive_ from the moment Steve met her. She never said a thing. “Steve,” Bucky calls again. Steve looks at him this time.

"I could have killed you," he tells Bucky. He runs a hand through his hair as he thinks about how they opened their hearts to each other inside a stolen car in Jersey, and then again in Sam's guest bedroom.

"Hey," Bucky says quietly. "They used her just as they used me," he argues. And Steve can understand his defending her. They had something. Perhaps they still love each other, perhaps Bucky just remembers that. But it doesn't change the fact she lied to him.

Steve watches Bucky. He looks anguished by Steve’s words. Yeah, maybe there is still something between Bucky and Natasha. And after everything Bucky has been through, Steve can’t let his feeling come between them. He swallows down his anger, or at least he tries to. “Sorry, I – sorry.”

“So, uh, the fundraising thing, when is it?” Bucky asks, and Steve goes along with the change of subject.

“Next week,” Steve tells him. He takes in a deep breath and rubs his face before sitting down on the bed next to Bucky. “Wish you could come with me.”

Bucky snorts. “Well, I don’t.” He offers Steve a small, lopsided smile and gently bumps their shoulders together. “Don’t be mad at her.” Steve avoids his eyes. He can’t lie to Bucky, he never could. They are silent for a couple of minutes until Bucky speaks again, “Stevie.”

The nickname is like an invisible hand squeezing Steve's heart. He looks back at Bucky. "Hey, Buck," Steve responds as if Bucky were about to tell him the score of a baseball match or how his day on the docks had been.

He does neither because they are not in 1939 anymore. “It’s alright,” Bucky says. Steve’s brow furrows in confusion. “Natalia,” he explains. “It’s all in the past.” But Steve shakes his head, he can’t just accept that. “Hey,” Bucky says turning around so that he’s fully facing Steve, “You said what I did didn’t matter. You said it wasn’t my fault,” he reminds Steve, looking at him through his lashes. “Did you mean that?” 

“Of course,” Steve says without wasting a breath.

“Then give her the benefit of the doubt,” Bucky argues. Steve guesses it’s just right that Bucky is defending the woman he loves. He nods. Bucky smiles. “Thanks.” He stands up and is just about to leave when he turns to Steve again. “Hey, where’s the new suit?”

“It’s a tuxedo,” Steve informs him, absentmindedly, as he tries to figure out why the sudden bitter taste in his mind. “It’s not ready yet.”

“Well, show me when it’s done?” Steve nods, but he’s not really looking at Bucky, and he doesn’t see the sad smile Bucky is giving him right before he leaves.


	8. Chapter 8

After a few unsuccessful tries at escalating the Stark Tower Matt is finally ready to admit that, if he really wants to investigate the Winter Soldier, he is going to have to file a motion to lift Barnes’ house arrest. That is the only way he will get to see what Barnes’ real intentions are and, if necessary, stop him in time.

Matt already knows he can probably take the Avengers off the list of people who would help him catch the guy, especially Rogers. There is no way Matt can count on him to be objective where the Winter Soldier is concerned.

Matt catches the tale and of Foggy’s phone call with Rogers when he gets to their office.

"I understand, Captain. Steve!" Foggy is saying. "I'll get used to it, Cap- Steve." He lets out a self-conscious chuckle and hums a few times at whatever the Captain is saying on the other end. "Alright, Steve," Foggy says. "No, no problem. We'll reschedule, don't worry." After a minute or two he says his goodbyes and hangs up.

“What are we rescheduling?”

Foggy sighs. “Our next meeting,” he informs. “Captain Rogers,” sigh, “ _Steve_ has an event to attend and so he won't be available, which means _Barnes_ won’t be available because he still can’t do this without him.”

“Well, he’s gonna have to.”

"I know. But he's been through a lot. Anyway, I think we can work with what we have in his files for another week."

“You mean what _you_ have," Matt reminds. He has yet to get a copy of Barnes' HYDRA files which he can actually access. Nobody has made a Braille or an audio book of it yet. Perhaps there isn't a lot of demand.

“I’ll read it to you,” Foggy offers. “I’ve done it before.”

“Okay,” Matt breaths out. He sits down on his usual chair and folds his cane. “And the interview?”

The legs of the chair next to his scratch the floor as Foggy sits down as well. “Nothing we can do.” Matt knows he is shaking his head. “No Rogers, no Barnes. I mean, what are we gonna do? Kidnap Captain America?”

Foggy keeps talking, but Matt’s mind is already miles away from their tiny office. And, as far as bad ideas go, Matt is sure he’s just had the mother of them.

-

Bucky doesn’t understand the sullen mood Steve has been in all week, but he hopes it doesn’t have anything to do with Natalia. She had her reasons to keep Bucky’s existence a secret from him. And Bucky doesn’t blame her for what happened between the two of them. He had wanted her just as well back then.

This, of course, does not mean he is not going to have nightmares about it now that another set of his memories has been unlocked, and it is available to fuel his subconscious for a fresh batch of dreams.

He screams himself awake as images of Natalia being dragged away from him mix with scenes from his childhood with Steve. And then is Steve in the bed with him instead of Romanova, but when Bucky opens his eyes he realizes Steve is not part of the nightmare. He is holding Bucky – no – he is trying to wake Bucky up by his shoulders.

This must have been bad. Steve had decided some time ago to give Bucky space to deal with his nightmares on his own. But then again, back then Bucky had been too hostile to accept his help anyway. He doesn’t push Steve away this time.

“Bucky, you okay,” Steve is saying when Bucky tunes him in. “You’re home, you’re home.”

Bucky stops struggling against him. He notices he’s sitting up and so he leans the rest of the way to rest his forehead on Steve’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” Bucky breathes out.

"You alright?" Bucky nods but doesn't move his head from where it is. "I'm sorry I didn't respect your space, but you were calling me, so I thought –" Steve leaves the unfinished sentence hanging in the air.

“Thanks,” Bucky repeats. He stays where he is for a couple more seconds before finally working up the courage to raise his head. Steve’s worried eyes are peering into him when he looks up. 

“You okay,” he says again, and Bucky is not paying enough attention to know if it is a question or a statement. He nods, either way. Steve has really long eyelashes, Bucky had never realized that, and he can’t stop staring at them. “Buck?”

Bucky shakes his head to try and clear it a little. He averts his gaze at last. "Sorry. Spaced out a little," he says by way of an excuse. Truth is, Bucky has no idea what is happening to him now. He has been through all sorts of things, but _this_ – the rapid beating of his heart, which he is isn’t quite sure he can fault it on his nightmare – Bucky has no idea what this is.

Steve reaches a warm hand to his right shoulder and leaves it there as he speaks, “It’s just a nightmare. It’s gone now, you’re okay.” He offers Bucky a timid smile and squeezes his shoulder once before letting it go. He gets out of the bed and Bucky feels instantly cold in his absence.

“What time is it, anyway?”

Steve takes a few seconds to calculate it before he answers. “Almost six, I guess.”

Bucky kicks the remaining covers off of him and leaves the bed too. “Might as well get up already; not gonna go back to sleep.”

“You sure? You might still get another hour.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Bucky groans as he stretches out his tense muscles. It must probably look weird, do it with only one arm, though he closes his eyes instinctively as he does stretches and when he opens them again Steve is not looking at him. “Hey, how do you feel about breakfast?” Bucky asks as he picks up a discarded t-shirt from the chair beside his bed and puts it up.

Steve hums in agreement and they move to the kitchen. He watches Bucky make them both omelets and fry some bacon. When he is half way through Steve serves coffee for them and they sit down together to eat. “Feeling better?”

Bucky nods. Steve knows cooking helps him calm down, but Bucky is still happy that happy that he asked. “You got the fundraising thing today right?”

Steve sighs like he has the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. “God, don’t remind me.” He puts down his fork to rub his face and Bucky has to laugh at how lost he looks at the mare thought of a party. Bucky is about to make a comment on it when Jarvis says Natalia is here.

Since Steve doesn’t make a move for the door Bucky gets up. Natalia is in workout clothes when he opens the door. “You’re running with Steve today?” Bucky addresses her in Russian. “Where’s Wilson?”

“Actually,” she responds in the same language, “I came for you. Let’s spar,” Natalia offers. Bucky frowns at her. And he is silent for long enough that she blows out a breath and says it in English, “Come on, James. How long has it been?”

She does have a point there. It _has_ been a long time since Bucky got the chance to stretch out his muscles. And since he still can’t leave the Tower he didn’t exactly bother to explore the place either. He’s been cooped up in the apartment since he got here.

“Okay,” he says it at last. Then he takes another look at what Natalia is wearing and remembers he has no workout gear. “Uh, I don’t have anything,” he tells her. But then again, Bucky doesn’t have much of anything and he has been living out of Steve’s wardrobe anyway so, “but maybe I can ask Steve –”

From the kitchen comes the sound of coughing, followed by a string of under the breath curses as Steve drops something.

Natalia rolls her eyes – and she must be feeling pretty comfortable with him because she reaches out to take him hand and pull him outside. “Are you kidding me? Stark must have thousands of stuff all over the Tower, let’s just go.”

“Let me just tell Steve,” Bucky says and turns back to the kitchen. He gets there and finds Steve picking up pieces of what was his mug from the floor. “Everything alright?” Bucky crouches down to help him but Steve actually flinches away from him.

“Yeah, fine,” he says, though he is still not looking at Bucky. “You hanging out with Nat?” He asks, but he doesn’t leave enough room for Bucky to answer. “It’s good, it’s nice, Buck. You should go,” he stops to clear his throat, “you should go have some fun.”

Bucky narrows his eyes at him. “You sure you alright, pal? He reaches out to gently maneuver Steve’s face towards him. “Your face is kind a red.”

“I’m alright, Buck,” Steve repeats, rolling his eyes like he used to when he thought Bucky was mothering him. He stands up and puts the broken pieces of ceramic on a plastic bag before throwing it in the trash. “Seriously, you should go. It’s not polite to leave a dame waiting.”

Bucky waits a couple more seconds but Steve seems to be engrossed on the dishes and he doesn’t say anything else. “Okay, then. See you later, Steve.”

“Yeah,” Steve says without turning around, “see you.”

Natalia is smirking as if she knows something he doesn’t when he meets her again. Bucky doesn’t get an answer when he asks her what’s going on.

-

At last, Natasha is putting together the pieces of the puzzle that is Steve Rogers, and she is finally starting to see the whole picture. She spent months trying to find him a date after she noticed how lonely he was. Natasha had never been naïve enough to think Steve’s problems lay on his lack of girlfriend, but since she couldn’t take him back to his life, she thought she could at least steer him towards a happier future.

But Natasha failed miserably, and now she knows why. She had set herself up to fail because she had been lacking fundamental information. The conversation she had with Steve months ago makes a lot more sense now that the embodiment of his ‘shared life experiences’ is living with him. The problem now is that Natasha is pretty sure she is not the only one who is taking a long time to realize that.

She stops thinking about Steve’s love life when Steve’s love life throws her over his shoulder and she falls onto her back on the padded floor. Natasha rolls over just in time to avoid James’ fist.

She stands in a crouching position, supporting herself on one knee and one hand, with her other leg stretched beside her, ready to launch another attack. When she looks up James is grinning at her like a mad man. They strike at the same time.

Natasha blocks James’ fist with her forearm, but the movement is just what he needed to knee her on the ribs. He is obviously holding back, otherwise, she would have several broken bones by now, and Natasha appreciates the courtesy. They are not, after all, trying to kill each other… not anymore.

She quickly shakes off the blow and jumps over James, wrapping her thighs around his neck and using her weight to push him to the ground. She gets as far as putting off his balance but she doesn't manage to take James down, and he works his hand in between her legs and his neck, elbowing her in the stomach. His position is awkward and it serves to weaken the blow, but it is enough to loosen her hold on him and she falls.

Natasha doesn’t go alone though, the moment she is down she sweeps a leg under James’ and takes his off from under him. Once she finally gets him on the ground Natasha straddles James. She uses her right leg to hold down his arm, but when she leans over to press her forearm on his neck, James manages to twist himself out from under her.

If memory serves her, Natasha knows exactly what comes next; he kicks her on the shoulder of her predominant side to dislocate it. That is what he used to do when he trained her and they were both down, try to put her in disadvantage. He had never said anything but the message was clear: if you are both in the same position, make sure your opponent is at least a step behind.

Like clockwork, James draws his right leg up, but Natasha doesn't stay still for him to bring his foot down. She rolls up onto a crouch, away from him. James flips himself up as well and for a moment they just stare at each other. His hair is escaping from the ponytail she had tied it into, but sweat has stuck most of the wayward strands on James' face.

Although his fighting style is still as Natasha remembers, the man in front of her now couldn't be more different from the one that helped to shape her into the person she is today. The biggest difference between the two is that there was no life in the eyes of the man that trained her.

 In contrast, James is such a vivid person. He is clearly enjoying himself, and besides, he is also obviously pulling his punches, even as he makes it clear he is not sugar coating Natasha, he is just not out to hurt her.

This is her James, but he is also – and perhaps mostly – Steve's Bucky. Even if Natasha is never going to call him that because it makes it sound like he is a teddy bear. Well, actually…

“You do know there’s a stuffed toy named after you, right?” She says, and she has to admit she is panting, a little.

James accepts the fact that she is talking as an official announcement that the sparring is over, and drops down to the mat again. He rests his hand on his stomach – they had found him clothes but he opts for going without the top part, because it was impairing his movements – and stares at the ceiling.

He lets down a breath that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. “Bucky Bear,” James says. “I think Stark emailed me that.”

Natasha walks over to the minibar Tony had installed recently and grabs a couple of water bottles for them. She sits down crosses legged next to James and hands him one of the bottles. She takes a sip of her water before turning to him with an arched eyebrow. “You get emails from Tony Stark?”

“I tried blocking him, but it’s kinda useless.” James sits up, uncapping the bottle with his teeth and then spitting out the cap. “He designed all of my tech,” he takes a sip and shakes his head, “can’t get rid of him.” He drinks his water while he stares at his feet. Natasha waits until he is ready to talk about what it is in his head. “I don’t trust him,” he says, breaking the long silence. “You know what I did, right?” She nods. Stark’s parents. “Then why does he want me here?”

“I don’t know, James,” Natasha admits. It does seem weird that Tony would want to harbor the man who killed his family, but then again, this _is_ Tony, and it is almost impossible to figure out what is really going on inside his head. Mostly – Natasha thinks – because Tony himself has no idea. “But he hasn’t tried killing you, yet. I’d take it as a good sign.”

“Yeah, I guess it is,” James says, though he sounds doubtful. He finishes drinking the rest of his water and throws the bottle on the other side of the room. “Wanna go again?”

Natasha blinks and smiles sweetly at him as she says, “Thought you’d never ask.”

They spar for another fifty minutes before Natasha has to call it. She is sure if this had been between James and Steve they could probably have lasted the whole day, but alas, she is not an enhanced human. And, to be honest, she doesn't envy the both of them; not in the slightest.

Thinking about Steve brings back the subject of his love life. And whilst Natasha is certain James is most definitely not discussing that with her, she knows perfectly well how to navigate towards something she wants.

She fishes her necklace from the outside pocket of her gym bag and puts it back in its place around her neck. James is watching her with a curious expression he either doesn’t or can’t quite hide. Natasha sits down next to him.

“Nice,” James says, pointing at the pendant.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Natasha replies. “Clint gave it to me. I thought it was sweet.”

 “The fella with the bow and arrow, right?” He waits for her to confirm to continue. “You together?”

Natasha takes her time stretching out her sore arms and then her neck before she finally answers. “You could say so,” she says. She is not just being coy here, Natasha honestly doesn’t know what to call the relationship – if that is what it is – she has with Barton. But that is not a can of worms she is going to open in front of James.

“It’s like a ring,” James says.

She frowns. “What do you mean?”

“It’s like he gave you a ring,” he explains, “it’s serious.”

"Could be," Natasha agrees. She shrugs. "I mean, we do have a lot of history," she says vaguely while she examines her nails. "Been through a great deal together." And she owes Barton more than she cares to admit. She would not be here if it hadn't been for him. She turns to James and drops the act. He is also responsible for shaping Natasha into the person she is today. He deserves her honesty. "Have you ever felt that? That you have that one person in your life that always guides you into the right direction?"

Natasha is sure she cannot be clearer than that without actually saying Steve’s name, but she also knows there are things you have to leave it for people to work out themselves, you can’t rob them of that. It isn’t fair. So she keeps quiet as James processes her words in his head.

“I –” he starts, breaking the long silence. “I – I have to go,” James says as he stands up. “Thanks for this, Natalia.”

"If I helped in any way at all I'm glad," she says, knowing James can still hear her even though he is already at the elevator door.

-

Bucky is sweating when he gets back. That is all Steve’s brain can register – that, and the fact Bucky is shirtless. They had quickly changed in front of each other when Steve was released from the hospital but, apart from that, Steve hadn’t seen Bucky with no shirt in a long time, ever since Bucky had two arms.

This is the first time Steve is seeing the whole extent of Bucky's scares. There are several webs of scarred tissues all around his shoulder where his chest meets the metal. It looks old, and it should not be there. The serum was supposed to fix things like this. Steve himself can no longer see the places where Bucky shot him in the Helicarrier. Bucky shouldn't have any scares.

“It’s not polite to stare,” Bucky calls him on it and Steve looks away embarrassed.

“Sorry.”

"Don't," Bucky says. "I know how bad it looks." From the corner of his eye, Steve watches him bend down to pick one of Steve's t-shirts from the chair Steve keeps on the corner of his bedroom and put it on. Steve hates that he made Bucky self-conscious. The clothe-sharing, on the other hand, doesn't bother him in the slightest. In fact, Steve is glad they each fit into the other's clothes now.

“You right, though. It’s not nice to stare,” Steve argues. “I made you uncomfortable, and nobody should feel that way about their bodies.”

Bucky snorts a laugh like Steve just said something amusing. “I’m gonna stop you there, Steve.” He points at himself. “I _know_ how this looks. And that’s the first time you’re seeing it so,” he sighs, “don’t feel bad. Last thing I want it’s for you to start walking on eggshells around me.”

It is the first time Bucky is being this vocal about something he wants – it's the most vocal he has been this _week_ – and Steve is actually afraid of saying the wrong thing, so he keeps his mouth shut and just nods, his eyes locked with Bucky’s.   

“Actually,” Bucky begins, but then he hesitates for a moment too long and whatever he is about to say gets pushed back when Jarvis tells them Mr. Wing is at their door. “Actually, I need a shower,” Bucky finally says, though Steve has the feeling this is not what he was about to tell him.

But Bucky is gone before Steve can say anything, so he resigns to the fact that he has to go get grouped by Mr. Wing one more time. At least things are not as uncomfortable this time as they were because there is no need for Steve to be measured again.

Steve greets Mr. Wing and tries to make small talk as the elderly Chinese man gets the final touches of the tuxedo done. And Steve has to give it to him when he gets as a glimpse of himself in the mirror. This is no doubt the fanciest thing he has ever worn, let alone owned. For a person who grew up with hand me downs that were always a couple of sizes too big, and then _grew_ two sizes too big for his own clothes, Steve has to admit is nice to have things that actually fit him just right.

Mr. Wing doesn't stay long and starts to say his goodbyes as soon as he is finished. He also doesn't accept any of the money Steve offers to pay him, but the fact that Stark has probably had that cover at least serves to put Steve at ease, even if it means Steve owes him something else. At least, he is sure Mr. Wing is getting paid well for his service. He more than deserves it.

Steve hears as Bucky turns off the shower a few minutes after the tailor is gone. When the bathroom door opens Steve remembers Bucky had asked to see the tuxedo and so he calls him.

"What do you think?" Steve asks when he hears Bucky stepping into the room. Although he doesn't turn or look up from where he is retying the bow tie to make sure he got it right. But Bucky doesn't say anything for a long time – if it hadn't been for his breathing Steve would have thought he had left – so Steve looks up at his reflection in the mirror.

Bucky is still wet from his shower and he didn't take any clothes with him to the bathroom because he still has only the tower wrapped around his waist. He also has his mouth open as he stares at Steve.

“Not polite to stare,” Steve reminds him with a smile.

Bucky closes his mouth and shakes himself out of whatever it is going on inside his head before he addresses Steve, “Sorry.” Steve’s eyes go back to the tie as Bucky goes on after a minor pause, “That’s some fancy clothes you got there, Stevie.”

Steve’s face softens into a small smile at hearing the nickname. Bucky is the only person to ever call him that. He doesn’t think he would like if anyone else did it either. “Yeah,” Steve agrees. “I think the jacket alone cost more than our first apartment.”

“There was more than one?”

Steve's fingers stop working on the tie as his mind sends him on a trip to memory lane. "There were three," he tells Bucky. "If you count the one we spent two weeks in before we realized how drafty it actually was and I almost caught pneumonia," he hesitates before adding, "again."

“The windows wouldn’t shut close, don’t matter what we did,” Bucky comments. Steve smiles at him from the mirror.

“That’s the one.” He tries not to make a big fuss every time Bucky remembers something, but inside Steve is always celebrating every little piece of himself Bucky gets back.

He finishes with the bow tie, it looks good enough. From the mirror he can see Bucky behind him, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. Steve finally turns to him and Bucky takes a step back like he just been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

Bucky offers him a smile that seems almost shy. “You look really nice, Steve.”

“Thanks,” Steve says with a smile of his own.

They stay there, looking at each other for a moment before Bucky clears his throat and looks away. “Uh, you going already?”

“Ah? Oh, to the gala?” Steve feels like he just missed something important, though he has no idea what. “No, no. I still got a few hours to kill. Wanna watch a movie?”

“Uh, thanks,” Bucky says, and his voice is enough to tell Steve he doesn’t feel like it. “But I was just about to go for a nap, kinda tired.” He shrugs. “You know, the thing with Natalia.”

The smile drops from Steve’s face without his even realizing. He nods and turns back to the mirror to watch his fingers undo the bow tie. “Sure thing, Buck. See you later.” For some reason he can’t explain, Steve keeps his back to the door until he hears Bucky leaving the bedroom.

Steve goes to the gym floor to kill time before he actually has to start getting ready. It is a testament to how much better he is than a couple of years ago that, when he is done, the punching bag he used is still in working order.

Of course, said bag collapses to the floor as soon as Steve is done patting himself on the back. He sighs and picks it up before sand starts spilling all over. It's not fair to the cleaning crew, and Steve has been forbidden to do any cleaning out of his own floor since he _doesn’t know the first thing about it_. Resigned to this, Steve limits himself to at least put the punching bag out of the way and leave it on the corner of the room. Then he replaces it with a new one.

He picks up his phone and sees that he has a missing call from Sam.  Steve calls him back.

“This is Wilson,” Sam answers formally, as if he had no idea who was on the other side of the line, that is, until he says, “A.K.A the most handsome man on Earth. What can I do for you?”

Steve chuckles. “More what can _I_ do for, don’t you think? You called me,” Steve reminds him.

“Did I? Uh, must have butt dialed you,” Sam says. “And remember, butt dial is _not_ the same as a booty call, even if the words are synonyms.” He laughs at his own joke and Steve shakes his head, although he is grinning. That was one time, one time.

Steve sits down on the lower level of the bench. “Yeah, yeah, that joke is never getting old.” He hears his own words and closes his eye. “Just like me,” he adds. “Walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

“Yup,” Sam says. “Hey man, everything alright?”

Yeah,” Steve answers. “Do you wanna go to a fancy party?”

Sam chuckles on the other side of the line. "Love to, anything next week, I'm in!"

Steve rests his elbows on his knees and his chin on his free hand. He groans. "What about today?" He has to go and get ready soon, and he not looking forward to this. Not one bit. Steve wonders if there is something else he could offer Pepper in compensation for everything she has done for Bucky, something that doesn’t acquire him to be social.

"Sorry, dude,” Sam says. “I'm gonna be in DC all weekend." Steve knew that, but he had to ask anyway.

"How's the baby?" Sam's little sister just had her first kid, and Sam had gone to DC as soon as they called him.

"She's so cute, man. I don't wanna be _that_ guy, but I might just forward the Avengers half a dozen pictures. Do you think they'll block me?"

Steve laughs. He loves how sometimes Sam talk like Steve isn't one of the Avengers. It makes him feel more human. Also, Sam is living at Tony's Tower himself and it is funny he doesn't realize he is already one of them as well. "You're gonna be fine. Send away."

The line is silent for a few seconds before Sam comes back to say "done." At the same time, Steve's phone vibrates with a new email. "Hey, by the way, I got you on the waiting list for the VA's shrink in New York."

"What about Bucky?"

"Yeah, sorry, man. But I guess he'll have to wait for the hearing first."

“It’s okay, Sam. Thanks for trying. I think I might wait for Bucky though,” Steve tells him. “I’m doing this for him, so I guess we should do it toge –”

“Nope,” Sam cuts him, “putting my foot down here, Steve. You’re doing this. It’s all lined up – I’ll text you the details later – but you’re doing this.”

“Sam,” Steve breathes out.

“I’ll involve the rest of the Avengers in this if I have to,” Sam threatens. “Do you really want Stark nagging you about your feelings?”

Steve shudders at the mere thought. “Fine,” he concedes with a sigh. “I’ll do it.”

“That’s the spirit,” Sam cheers on the other side. Steve rolls his eyes. “Gotta go now man. Talk to you later. Check your email.”

They say their goodbyes and Steve spends the remaining minutes he still has to spare looking at several baby pictures. When he is finished he chooses a favorite and bookmarks it for later. He hasn’t sketched in a while, but he thinks it could be a nice gift for Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

Bucky doesn’t know why he does it, but he pretends to be asleep when he hears Steve coming towards his bedroom to tell him he is leaving for the party. It is stupid, and Bucky does not understand himself, but he regulates his breathing to what it sounds like when he is not conscious – even though neither he remembers nor he wants to remember how he acquired the particular skill.

Steve hesitates for a moment when he reaches Bucky’s door. Inside, Bucky keeps control of his breathing as he watches the door. He doesn’t need to see him to know what the man on the other side looks like right now, dressed to the nines, looking like a movie star, looking more distant from Bucky’s reality than he did the day he rescued Bucky from Azzano. It is like they don’t even belong to the same world. The moment Steve finally gives up and leave Bucky sighs as he finally allows his shoulders to relax.

He stares at his ceiling for what feels like forever – he knows, internally, that it is not more than three minutes – before he decides to go do some exploring. He goes as far as entering the elevator before realizing he has no idea where to go. But perhaps there is someone who can help him.

“Uh, is – is Natalia around?” He feels stupid asking the AI, but he has seen Steve talking to it like it was a person, so he is probably doing it right. The moment the words are out of his mouth Bucky also realizes he doesn’t even know if Natalia lives here _._

_“I’m afraid Ms. Romanoff has left a few hours after your sparring session, Mr. Barnes."_

Bucky huffs out a breath and scratches the back of his head. “Uh, anything I could do around here?” A second later the elevator starts moving of its own volition. “The hell?”

The robot talks to him just as he presses the button that was supposed to stop the lift. “ _If I might suggest something?”_ it says, as if it wasn’t already doing what it wanted, just like Stark. Just like Howard.

“Where you taking me?”

“ _Well, although most of its occupants seem to be out tonight, there’s still an Avenger within the Tower. You haven’t met yet, but I do believe you might enjoy his company._ ”

Bucky has to roll his eyes at the invisible Queen of England. "You were not programmed to give straight answers, were you, bud?"

“ _I was programmed to think for myself,_ Sergeant. _”_ Jarvis' words are confirmed not only by his tone of voice but also his use of the military rank he knows Bucky doesn't feel comfortable with. 

Bucky lets it slide, though. He does not think his sanity can cope with arguing with a disembodied voice. And also, he doesn’t want to be stuck in this elevator – probably until Steve comes home – because he pissed off a robot.

He keeps his mouth shut for the remaining of the ride, which luckily does not last very long, and soon Jarvis is opening the door to let Bucky out. He doesn't even try to look the gifted horse in the mouth and decides best to just get off wherever he is. There is probably a staircase somewhere around here, anyway.

 _“I took the liberty of informing of your arrival, sir,”_ Jarvis tells him. _“To your left.”_

Bucky follows the instruction and discovers he is in another floor dedicated to gymnastics and exercise. This one looks very similar to the one Natalia took him to spar this morning, only it seems to aim at something a little less violent. It reminds Bucky of a yoga studio from a commercial he saw a few days ago.

There is a man sitting cross-legged on the opposite end of the room. It looks like he is meditating, though Bucky's presence probably disturbed him if the tense set of his shoulders is any indication. Bucky can empathize. He doesn't know about the guy, but he is ready to turn tail and run back to the elevator. Bucky will take getting stuck where he knows nobody is going to hurt him over the anxiety of dealing with people any day.

The man is eying him as if expecting Bucky to attack him at any moment. He is one of Steve team mates, Bucky has seen him somewhere before, but he can’t remember the man’s name if he ever heard it.

“Hi,” the guy finally breaks the silence. “I’m Bruce Banner,” he says, and Bucky notices the moment he aborts a hand gesture just before he can offer it for a shake. “You’re Steve’s friend, right? Nice meeting you.”

Bucky has to admit he doesn’t even try opening his mouth to see if anything will come out. This Banner guy seems nice, but he is not Steve, or Natalia, or even Wilson. Bucky can’t just start talking to him. He can’t talk to people, he is not allowed. He – shakes his head to bring himself to back to the present.

Slowly, Bucky starts approaching Banner. The man tenses up even more, but he holds his ground. “Wanna join me? There are more mats over there.” He points at the shelves behind Bucky.

Not really knowing what else to do, Bucky walks over and takes one of the black yoga mats from the shelf. He stretches it out next to Banner and takes a seat.

“I was just about to start,” Banner tells him. “Have you meditated before?” Bucky shakes his head. “Well, the goal is to relax so don’t worry about it, okay.” Bucky shrugs. He is not worried, not about meditation anyway. “Uh, let’s – let’s focus on our breathing first, okay. Deep ins and long outs,” Banner explains, and then he does a demonstration by slowly inhaling and then exhaling.

_Breathing should not be automatic, you shall be aware of every sound you make from now on._

Bucky shoots up the next moment and scurries several steps away from Banner. He remembers now, how he learned to control his breathing. He doesn’t think meditation is going to work for him. He closes his hand when he notices it is shaking.

Banner has both his hands up in surrender when Bucky looks at him again. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." His eyes are huge behind the lenses of his glasses. Bucky scared him too. He shakes his head, wanting badly to tell Banner he should be the one apologizing. "I triggered something, didn't I?"

Bucky's eyes are cast down when he nods. He tries to swallow down the panic and forces himself to sit back down.

“Okay, forget about that,” Banner says. “Let’s do something else. Just – keep your eyes open, it makes it easier to not get lost inside your head.”

Bucky nods again, wishing more than anything he could say something, at least to thank Banner for not thinking he is a freak. Living with Steve makes everything seem so easy, especially when he is the only person Bucky has to socialize with. This moment here with Banner serves to show him he hasn’t made as much progress as he thought.

“Hey, uh, Bucky?” Banner calls him. Bucky nods once more because that's the only thing he can do. "Do you know who I am? On the team, I mean." Bucky shakes his head. He still can't place Banner within the Avengers. "Well," Banner says with a self-deprecating smile. "During missions I'm usually greener than this."

The Hulk. Holy shit, Bucky never would have guessed it. Banner seems so calm and collected, not to mention several feet smaller.

“Judging by the look on your face I assume you don’t know the story behind it,” Banner says. Bucky confirms his theory and Banner takes in a deep breath before starting his accounting of it. “I tried recreating the serum,” he reveals.

 Bucky has to admit he is more than a little surprised. Looking a Banner now he wouldn’t have taken him for someone interested in becoming a super soldier. Then again, he doesn’t know Banner.

“It wasn’t on purpose, though. I didn’t really know what I was getting into.” _That’s more likely,_ Bucky thinks. “But that’s not,” he pushes his glasses up with a finger, “it’s not what I’m trying to say here, what I mean is.” Banner snorts. “Well, I don’t actually know where I’m going with this.”

Bucky thinks he gets it, even if Banner is a little odd, like a mixture of nervous and shy, much like little Steve Rogers used to be. To some extent, he and Bucky both went through more or less the same experience. They didn’t ask to become what they did and ultimately had no say in the matter as someone else decided what to do with them. 

“A lot of people tried recreating the serum, and a lot of people paid the price,” Banner comments. “We can’t go back to how things were, but, uh, we can try to make the best of a bad situation.” He cocks his head to the side and watches Bucky from the rim of his glasses.

Bucky wouldn’t know what to say to that, even if he could talk to Banner, but luckily Bruce doesn’t seem like he is holding his breath for an answer and it makes Bucky relax a little. He feels his tensed muscles lose some of the tension.

"I know this might sound like," Banner hesitates, "an awful thing to say, especially to someone who has been through so much, but, if I could offer a piece of advice?" He takes a long pause after that and it's a few seconds until Bucky realizes Banner is waiting for confirmation that Bucky wants to hear what he has to say, so he nods. "If there's nothing you can do about it, you should shift your focus into something else. I – I tried everything, and when – when even death failed I stopped thinking about myself and I started looking into what could I do for others." His eyes go wide the moment he says and, and the next he is flailing his hands in front of him, "I'm not – I'm not calling you selfish, that's not what I'm saying, just – there's a lot more to life than just ourselves, sometimes we forget that."

Bucky nods again, not only because he understands what Banner is trying to say, but also because he agrees with him. His mind goes to Steve and he knows it is not a coincidence. He knows these people are Steve's friends, and that they have his best interest in their minds, but they don't know him. They don't know how to read him, and they don't understand him. They think the smile on Steve's face is real because they have never seen what it actually looks like when he is happy. Bucky's chest tightens, Steve has done so much for him, and he is breaking at the seams because he feels responsible for Bucky. In his mind, Steve will never allow himself to feel happy for having Bucky around, not like this.

He is almost sure Banner is talking about helping the world in general or focusing on a particular cause, and not only a single person. But Bucky can neither leave the tower nor communicate with people, so in the current state of things, Steve is the only person he can actually help now.

Banner stretches his arm upwards a then takes off his glasses. He puts them on the floor by his mat. "Have you ever done yoga?" Bucky shakes his head. "Well, would you like to try it?" Bucky shrugs in response. He is enjoying Banner's company but he doesn't want to impose if the guy wants to be alone, so leaves for him to decide. "Okay," Banner says with an enthusiastic smile, which, Bucky suspects, has more to do with the fact that he is dying to pass his knowledge along than anything. "Well, we'll start off easy." He starts to slowly stand up, "this is called the mountain pose."

-

As luck would have it, Natasha is the first person Steve spots when he enters the hotel where the gala is being held. He doesn’t know why he feels so weird that Bucky and her are apparently dating – or at least having sex, judging by what Steve heard this morning – but whatever it is that he is feeling makes it really hard for him to just go and talk to her. Deep down Steve knows he is just being protective of Bucky, but he trusts Nat, and he should be better than this, so he tries to shake the weirdness out of him when realizes she is walking towards him.

“Lovely place, isn’t it,” she comments like she is a character in Downton Abbey, which she might as well be. She looks stunning in the long silk black dress with a deep v neck and an open back. It has been almost a minute since she stopped, but the eyes that followed her as she made her way to Steve are still watching Natasha as if enchanted.

 _She is a beautiful woman, and she is also a good person,_ Steve reminds himself. Bucky is lucky to have her. Still, he has to swallow down the bitterness in his mouth.

“Steve?” Only when she calls him does Steve realize he has been quiet for too long.

“Uh?”

“Are you alright?” She shoots him a concerned glance and Steve feels guilty for some reason.

He tries to summon a convincing smile when he answers, “I’m fine.” Then he looks around and tries to make an actual effort at this conversation. “Did Stark blackmail you into this too?”

She frowns at him. “What? No, actually, I’m actually a plus one.”

“Oh.” Steve wonders if she told Bucky about this, or maybe their relationship is not as defined as he thought, or perhaps Steve should mind his own damn business.

Natasha’s eyes scan the place until they find what they have been looking for and she waves. “Yeah, I’m here with Sharon. You do remember her, right?”

It is more of an accusation than an actual question and Steve sighs as he spots Sharon, navigating the crowd of well-dressed people towards them. He never got around to calling her.

“There is a line to the restroom, can you believe it?” Sharon says as she finally gets to them. “Must be the free champagne,” she jokes. Then she turns to Steve. “Captain.”

Steve almost calls her Kate. But he knows Natasha will think he is flirting and that’s the last thing he needs right now, so he restrains himself, going for something more formal instead. “Ms. uh –” He belatedly realizes he has no idea what her last name is, fake or otherwise.

Sharon seems to hesitate for an instant before extending her hand. “Carter.”

Steve makes an effort to keep his jaw from falling down. It could be a coincidence, it could be, but her eyes – challenging him to say something – they tell Steve everything he needs to know.

He shakes her hand. “Ms. Carter.”

“I saw Aunt Peggy last week,” Sharon says candidly, “You should drop by, she misses you.” So she is not just a SHIELD agent, Steve realizes, she is SHIELD legacy.

“Well,” Natasha drawls out looking between the two of them. “Seems like you two have some catching up to do.” She pats Steve’s shoulder. “Don’t let me get in the way,” she says, and then she disappears, blending in with the crowd before either Steve or Sharon can say anything.

An awkward mood settles around them. And it is not made any better when she finally breaks the silence.

"So, how are things with the Winter Soldier," Sharon asks, and – to Steve's mortification – his involuntary cringe doesn't go unnoticed. "I'm sorry," she adds. "He's your friend, I shouldn't have - uh, how's Barnes?"

Steve realizes this is the first time someone is asking him to talk about Bucky. And he doesn’t even know where to start. He takes a couple of seconds to sort out his thought. “He’s – he’s been through a lot, but he’s strong.” He thinks about how much progress Bucky has made since the day he walked into Steve’s room in the hospital. “He is the most resilient person I’ve ever met.” It doesn’t mean Bucky is not hurt, though. “It’s not fair,” Steve tells Sharon. “He shouldn’t have to go through this,” Steve shakes his head. “He’s a prisoner of war, not a terrorist.”

Sharon picks up a champagne flute from the tray of a passing waiter. She downs her drink in one go. “Wow,” she breathes out with a chuckle. “I did _not_ see that coming.”

Steve has no idea what she is talking about. “Sorry?”

She shakes her head. “Nothing, I’m just thinking out loud,” she says, glancing down at her feet. She looks beautiful, but somehow Steve knows the comment wouldn’t be appreciated now. And the last thing he needs is to make things even more awkward. Luckily, Sharon is better than him at small talk. “So, I have some stories from my aunt that I’ve been dying to fact-check.”

Steve smiles, and if it is more relief than anything else nobody needs to know.

-

Bucky spends a couple of hours doing yoga with Bruce – which admittedly does make feel better at the end of it – and so that Bucky wouldn’t get lost inside his head while they exercised, Banner also told him about his work as a doctor in several countries. And as he spoke Bucky started planning to do something like that – though not as a doctor – once he was free if he ever was. But still, not enough time has passed that Steve is already due to come back so he prepares himself a quick dinner and then takes his tablet to the living room to spend the rest of the evening looking up at what countries he would visit, and what sort of help he could offer there.

-

“You don’t drink,” Sharon observes after Steve refuses yet another flute of champagne. He has been trying to steer clear of the waiters all night, but it has been downright impossible to avoid them altogether.

He shrugs, feeling self-conscious. _Why waste it,_ he wants to say. By the time Steve could afford champagne it was already too late for him to appreciate it, but he doesn’t feel like sharing that information for some reason. Their conversation is already awkward enough as it is, what with Steve talking about things that are still fresh in his memory, but were bedtime stories for Sharon. But what actually comes out of his mouth is, “Not really.”

And fate is, in fact, a tricky thing, because, just as Steve says it another waiter materializes behind him.

“Sir.” Steve turns to face the man, his polite – and fake as hell – Captain America smile plastered on his face. “Would you like some water?”

There's only one glass on his tray. Steve looks at the man, realizing he hasn't offer Steve anything before until now and, in his first time, he comes with water. Steve is touched by the gesture.

He takes the glass, more out of politeness than any actual thirst. “Thanks.”

“At last, something you drink,” Sharon comments with a grin. She clinks her flute to Steve’s glass. “Here’s to that.”

Steve lets out a small laugh and drinks the whole content of his glass in one go after they toast.

He realizes something is wrong the moment he is done swallowing.

The water was laced.

Steve doesn't want to make a scene about it; especially knowing the effects will probably run off in a couple of minutes. There is no need to involve Sharon in this either, so he excuses himself and heads towards the nearest restroom. Luckily it is empty.

Steve sniffs and the glass he drank from, but he can’t smell anything. He puts it down on the counter and when he raises his head again Steve is hit by a dizzy spell. He puts both hands on the counter to help with his balance. It doesn’t do much. The room starts to spin around him as dark spots begin to dance in front of his eyes.

He takes his phone from the pocket inside of his tuxedo jacket. Not really knowing what to do, Steve calls the first person that comes to his fuzzy mind.

“Bu-cky?”  Distantly, Steve realizes he is slurring, but he can’t seem to shake it off. Whatever it was in the water is much stronger than he thought.

“Steve? Steve is that you? You’re breaking up.”

"Bu –" Steve tries again. He shakes his head, and it only makes things worse. "Som-in's wron –" Steve looks up at the mirror in front of him and thinks he is probably hallucinating the red shape behind him. He knows Bucky is still talking but Steve can't focus on what he is saying. "Buc –"

The phone falls from Steve’s hand just as everything goes dark.

-

“Steve!” Bucky shouts after listening to the sound of something going down, but there is no used. The line has already been disconnected.

He tries not to panic, but it’s hard. Steve just said something was wrong. In an effort to be rational Bucky tries calling him again. It goes straight to voicemail and he gives up all thought of remaining calm. He puts on the first pair of shoes he can find and heads towards the door. Bucky goes as far as the elevator when Jarvis talks to him.

_“I apologize, Mr. Barnes. But you are not allowed to leave this floor.”_

Bucky tries to argue with him. “The fuck you’re talking about?” He had left twice only today. “Steve needs my help, he’s in danger.”

 _“Sir is already aware of the situation,”_ Jarvis informs like Bucky gives a shit to what Stark knows or not. This only proves he had been listening to their conversation. _“The Avengers are on their way now.”_

Bucky is done being polite and proper to the fucking robot. His voice is cold and menacing when he speaks, “Get me out of here.”

_“I apo-”_

Before the AI can finish its excuse Bucky delivers a powerful kick to the elevator door. It causes a minor dent, but it’s not enough to crack it open.  “Get. Me. Out.”

He punches the door again for good measure. Pain sears through his arm, but he ignores it as he lifts his arm again. However, the elevator dings open before he can strike.

 _“I strongly advise against this, Sergeant,”_ Jarvis says as Bucky steps inside. _“It could jeopardize your entire case.”_

Bucky snorts. As if he could care about himself now, with Steve’s life in danger. “Just close the fucking door.”

The AI is smart enough to take Bucky directly to the garage. He is under no illusion that Jarvis did tell Stark about this, but at least Bucky is out now, and whatever happens next doesn’t matter as long as he can get to Steve in time.

He contemplates taking one of the Harleys, seems it would be easier to maneuver a motorcycle between traffic than a car, but he soon dismisses the idea. He has no idea what state Steve might be in, and he might need be carried. After that, the keys in the ignition of the red Ferrari make the decision for him.

The garage door is only half way open when Bucky leaves the Tower. He knows Stark’s AI controls every fucking thing he owns, so Bucky doesn’t hesitate on asking for the coordinates.

 _“Take the second left,”_ Jarvis instructs him.


	10. Chapter 10

Steve comes to with a headache pounding behind his eyes, and making him dizzy when he tries to open them. It takes him some time to succeed at that and once he does Steve has to immediately close his eyes again because of the hard white light directed at him.

He tries to move but as nausea comes rushing in again Steve realizes his arms are bound together by a heavy chain, which seems to go all the way to his feet where is also wrapped up tightly. He can’t get up.

Now that he is awake it doesn’t take the serum long to start rejecting the drug on water Steve drank, without the risk of drowning him on his own vomit. Steve turns his head to the side just in time to avoid the content of his stomach from lending all over him.  Once he finally stops heaving Steve scooches away from the puddle as best as he can.

He works on his breathing for a couple of minutes before he decides it is probably okay to open his eyes now. It takes some time to get used to the harsh light but when they finally adjust to it Steve notices its brightness prevents him from seeing whatever it is beyond the light.

Steve is almost certain he is alone. He tries to gain some awareness of where he is by listening to whatever sound is coming from somewhere above him.  He tries to think. He is a heavy man, there is no way a regular person could just drag him out of the restroom and all the way onto the street without anyone seeing it, the hotel is crowded and there are cameras. So it is probable he is still in the hotel.

A door opens in front of Steve, he can hear it close again as whoever it is steps inside, but Steve still can't see beyond the light, so he lowers his gaze and waits.

“Hello, sweetheart.”  Steve’s neck snaps up. He knows that voice. “Did you miss me?”

Rumlow.

-

Tony finds Natasha in the men’s room, and his previous plan of tracking Steve’s phone falls through when he spots the Stark Phone on her hand.

“Well, that’s a bummer,” he comments.

She pushes past him and stalks out of the restroom. “We need to search the hotel’s security system.”

"Yup," Tony agrees. Then he checks his watch. The only suit he is wearing is the lovely Tom Ford Pepper gave him for his last birthday, but, if needs be, he can summon an armor. "We have exactly T minus fifteen minutes to locate him."

Romanoff halts midway and turns to him. “Why?” But she looks at the phone she is still holding and then sighs. “James.”

There is nothing he needs to say to that. They both know they have to get Steve's broody BFF away from the paparazzi's wet dream and back into the Tower before anyone sees him. A job that is easier said than done since neither of them is under the illusion they are going to be able to reason with Barnes if they don't find Steve first.

"We should split," Tony suggests, "Cover more ground." He looks around, they could definitely use more eyes and ears for this, and since Thor is back on his home planet, Wilson is too far away, and Bruce is out of the question for this situation, there's only… "Where's Barton?"

“Budapest,” Romanoff answers and she is already walking away from him again. “The CCTV, Tony, get on with it.”

Tony watches as Nat stops to exchange some words with a blond woman he thinks he might have seen before, and then she is disappearing into the crowd. Tony doesn’t know if it is his imagination or if he can really hear the motor of his Ferrari in the distance. And when he thinks he hears the screeching of tires approaching, he raises his arm and brings his watch close to his face. “J, the cameras, ASAP.”

“ _On it, Sir._ ”

-

The car doesn't even stop properly before Bucky is already exiting it, and then he is taking the steps towards the entrance of the hotel two at a time. He sprints towards the lobby. There is no way he can blend in, not with the clothes he is wearing, or the fact that he only has one arm. Bucky is very much aware he looks like a homeless person, and he knows this is going to cut his time short. He has to at least find the place where the ball is happening before security comes after him.

Bucky can feel the receptionist's eyes on him. He slows to walk and keeps his head down, using his hair to cover his face. He has to find a way to blend in. He follows the sound and ends up right at the heart of the party. That's when Bucky spots a waiter coming from another corridor beside the one Bucky just came from. He elbows the man on the throat and holds him upright when he loses consciousness.

Bucky marches the both of them backwards back into the darkness of the corridor. He pushes the man inside the first door he finds. He carefully places the guy on the floor, sitting up so that he can take off his jacket. Then Bucky lays the guy down and shrugs off Steve’s hoodie. Luckily he has a white shirt underneath so he just puts on the waiter’s jacket and then he leaves the room.

When he reemerges into the ballroom he spots a couple of security guards casually checking the perimeter, trying not to drive attention to them as they look for him. Bucky relives the tray off the hands of a passing waitress and walks in the other direction before the woman can see him.

He scans the room. There’s no sign of Steve anywhere. He also doesn’t spot Stark or Natalia, and Bucky can’t say if that is a good thing or not. Steve sounded like he was passing out on the phone. It didn’t happen in front of the party goers. If any of these people had seen an unconscious Captain America they would have shut the gala down by now. But Steve must still be here somewhere; it would be more trouble to drag him out of the hotel without being seen.

Upstairs would also be problematic, because of the cameras in the elevators. So Bucky starts with the ground floor. He makes his way to the men's restroom. There are two of them. On the first he finds nothing, his luck improves on the second one though. There's an empty glass on the counter near the sink. Bucky takes a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall and then picks up the glass. He brings it closer to his face and sniffs at it. Thanks to fucking Hydra he can detect what it is instantly: horse tranquilizer.

-

Rumlow steps in front of the light and Steve can see him. His face is red and heavily scared, it looks worse than Bucky's left shoulder and one of his ears is almost completely gone. Steve tries to remember where he last saw Rumlow. He can't, but he remembers what Sam told him. Rumlow had still been in the building when one of the Helicarriers fell on it. Steve is surprised he is even alive.

“How are you, you fucking piece of shit?” Rumlow spats on his Steve’s legs. It tells everything Steve needs to know. Brock is a big talk, but even though he has Steve tied up he is still afraid to come too close.

Steve smiles up at him. “Never better. You?”

“Wonderful,” Rumlow grunts. He paces in front of Steve for a couple of seconds without saying another word. Steve is suddenly completely tired of this game. If Rumlow wanted him dead he could have done it while Steve was unconscious.

“What do you want?”

Rumlow stops and looks down at Steve. His face splits into an ugly grin. "I wanna kill you dead.” Steve fights the urge to roll his eyes. “But don’t worry,” Rumlow says. He takes something from the pocket of his jacket. A Taser.  “You still got some time. I gotta get my toy back first. That's my golden ticket.” He presses something and the Taser makes a cracking sound as electricity seers through it. “Then you can die.”

Ice creeps up inside of Steve when he realizes Rumlow is talking about Bucky. How could he have been so stupid? Steve is fucking bait, and he fell right into Rumlow’s plan. He should never have called Bucky. Now Steve’s only hope is that Tony managed to keep him from leaving the Tower.

Rumlow disappears into the darkness again, but he doesn’t leave the room. Steve hears him click off the safety of a gun, and then Rumlow speaks again, “Make a sound and I’ll make an exception.”

Steve tries to keep his cool, and he is managing it pretty well too, up until the moment the door opens in front of him. He doesn’t know if it is Bucky, he can’t see a damn thing ahead, but he screams anyway, “Get out! Get out of here!”

He ducks just in time to avoid the bullet that struck the wall exactly where his head had been. Steve falls onto his side. He can only hear the sounds of the struggle and, from his position on the floor; he can also see the two sets of feet of the people ahead of him.

The gun falls from Rumlow's hand and it fires another shot as it hits the floor. It doesn't seem like it hits anyone. Steve tries to break the chains but it is a useless effort. And the fight before him continuous until Rumlow breaks the silence.

“Good morning, _Soldat_.” All movements stop. Steve stops breathing. Buck. Rumlow lets out a breathy laugh. “Stand down.” _No, no._ “Good boy.”

Steve begins to frantic push his fists and his legs against the chains. “Buck. Bucky, listen to me,” Steve says. He grits his teeth and gives another push, the iron doesn’t budge. “Bucky, please,” he begs, “You have to get out of here.” A small whimper comes from somewhere just beyond the light. Steve growls.

“Oh, no, honey,” Rumlow says. He is talking to Bucky and his tone of voice makes Steve want to be sick. “You’re coming with me. Gonna take us home.”

“If you touch him,” Steve snarls, “I’ll rip your arms off.”

Rumlow laughs again. Steve pushes harder against the chains. His left wrist snaps and he has to swallow down a scream. Bucky has stopped making sounds. “He’s my ticket back, Cap. Nothing personal,” Rumlow says.

Steve ignores him. His broken wrist slips through the chain. He ignores the pain and uses his free hand to hold down the chain while he pushes his other arm free. Rumlow must have his entire focus on Bucky, otherwise, he would have noticed Steve is half way free. Steve takes advantage of his distraction. He uses his heels against the floor to push off his shoes.

Rumlow starts to say something in Russian and Bucky lets out a sob. Steve struggles to keep his mind clear. He wants to kill Rumlow. He goes back to the chains. Bucky’s distress intensifies as Rumlow keeps talking to him in Russian. Steve kicks the chains away from his legs and then he picks it up and throws it at the spotlight.

Rumlow stops midsentence. With the light coming from the corridor outside Steve can finally see them. Bucky is kneeling on the floor. The Taser is on Rumlow's hand but the gun is nowhere to be found. Rumlow looks from Bucky to Steve. " _Soldat_ , you know your mission. Kill the Captain." Bucky starts to shake his head frantically. In fact, all of him is shaking, but he doesn’t move from his position on the floor. Rumlow snaps. “Kill, him!”

Steve takes a step forwards. “Buck.”

It all happens at once after that.

Rumlow prepares the Taser to use on Bucky, but Bucky seems to wake up right before it connects with his neck and he kicks Rumlow’s legs from under him. As Brock falls Natasha and Tony appear on the door, along with several police officers and Agent Thompson.

The whole room seems to freeze for a few seconds.

"Fuck," Rumlow says. And before anyone can move he takes the gun from under him and shoots himself on the head.

Bucky flinches away but he is still hit by droplets of blood.

Everybody starts moving at once after that, but there is nothing they can do. 

-

Thompson takes her own gun out of her holster and points it at Barnes as she takes careful steps towards him.

“Sergeant,” she calls, though Barnes has a vacant look on his face as he stares at the body. It doesn’t seem like heard her. Tony remembers her saluting the guy the day she took him arm. He wonders well all of that patriotism went. “Sergeant,” she repeats, “please, stand up slowly and put your hand behind your back.”

Steve is the only one who reacts to that. “What’s going on?”

He is a lot closer to Barnes than Thompson, and when he makes to move she warns him, “Stay where you are, Captain.” Then she goes back to Barnes. “Sergeant.”

"Buck." It's Steve who gets through him first. Barnes finally raises his eyes up. They are red-rimmed and – from where Tony is – they seem unfocused. "Are you alright?"

 _Well, ain’t that a stupid question?_ Tony thinks. But then again, no one in the room expects Barnes to really answer. He only talks to Steve or Romanoff, and only when he is alone with one of them.

Steve crouches down to his level. Agent Thompson warns him again, but he ignores her. “It’s okay,” Steve says. “Nobody’s gonna hurt you.” Barnes just blinks at him like he doesn’t quite understand the words coming from Rogers’ mouth.

“He’s not going to attack you, put the gun away,” Natasha says. Then she enters into a serious staring match with the Agent. They stay like that for so long that, if Barnes really wanted to go on a killing spree right now, he would have had time to kill all of them, starting with Thompson and she would never see him coming. Eventually, the Agent lowers the gun, but she takes her sweet time putting it back in the holster. Natasha looks at Barnes. “James,” she seems to hesitate for a second, which is something Tony has never seen her do before, and then she adds, “ _Soldat._ ”

It works. Barnes’ attention snaps to her. Then he stands up. He doesn’t look at Steve – who is still on the floor – or at any of them, he doesn’t move to wipe the blood out of his face, but he does put his arm behind his back. He shoots a quick glance at Thompson and when he catches her eyes he nods.

Thompson gestures to one of the officers behind her and the guy passes her a pair of handcuffs. Tony has a split second to wonder what the fuck she is going to do with than with a one arm dude, but then she places on side of the handcuffs around her own wrist. Barnes gets the message and offers his arm for her to put on the other one.

That’s the moment Steve stands up. “What the hell are you doing? Take that off! He didn’t do anything.”

“Captain, you knew the terms of the agreement,” Agent Thompson says. “He left the Tower.”

Steve shakes his head. “You don’t understand,” he argues. “This is different. He came to help me.” Steve’s voice breaks when he hears the words coming out of his mouth, “I called him.”

“I’m sorry,” the Agent says, and judging by her face she means it. “But you shouldn’t have done that.” She tugs at Barnes’ arm and starts to turn around to leave. “Take care of this,” she says to two of the officers that came with her. “The rest of you come with me.”

“No, please,” Steve says. “Wait.” He starts to follow them but Barnes turns his face to look at him. He shakes his head and it is like he just ripped Cap’s heart out of his chest. “No.” The word is barely audible, and by then Barnes’ entourage is already walking away.

“We should leave,” Natasha says. She places a hand on Steve’s arm but he flinches away as if she just burned him. Romanoff tries to play it cool but she is not fast enough to hide the hurt look on her face before Tony sees it.

Steve looks down at the body – he stares at it for a few seconds – and then he starts walking away. Tony exchange a look with Romanoff before they decide to follow Cap. They don’t even make to ten feet from the room before something makes Steve come to a halt. He turns around and his eyes zero in on Tony.

“You are very quiet,” Steve says, and it sounds a lot like an accusation. “I wonder why.”

Tony sighs. He knew this was coming. Steve is not stupid. He just hopes he can fix it before Cap does something reckless. "They knew he left the Tower," Tony explains. "I'm sorry, Cap. I tried to delay the video as much as I could, but it's a live feed."

Steve shakes his head and shoots Tony a confused look. "Wh-what are you saying?" Then he scoffs and rolls his eyes. There is a humorless smile on his face when he looks back at Tony. "You never did turn off those cameras, did you?" Tony's flinch doesn't go unnoticed. "Did you?" Steve asks again.

He caves. "I'm really sorry, Steve." Cap looks so disappointed Tony feels like he just betrayed his country. "It was another requirement for him to stay with you." He knew, the moment Pepper told him, that Steve would never agree to that. That is why Tony had decided to keep him in the dark. And look, he was right! "He had to be monitored, the prosecutor wouldn't agree otherwise."

"Monitored?" Steve spits out. "You were spying on us, you fucking asshole. We trusted you!" Steve takes a step forward and instinctively Tony takes one back. He doesn't really think Cap is going to hit him, but he has also never seen him this angry either. Tony is pretty sure he has never even heard Steve swear before. And it's worse, it's so much than just anger, Steve is hurt.

“Steve,” Romanoff calls, but Rogers doesn’t even spare her a glance as he walks away from them. Once she realizes he is not going to come back she turns to Tony. “What did you do?”

Tony’s shoulders sag. “I – look, he was going to be arrest anyway,” he tries to explain. Judging by her face he is not being very successful. “At least this way he got to stay with Cap.” Natasha shoots him a look of disbelief with her judge-y eyes and shakes her head. “What? What do you want? What do you want me to do?” Romanoff keeps staring until Tony can’t take it anymore. “He killed my parents, okay! He killed my mom!”

“Tony,” Romanoff starts, but Tony has opened a wound and the floor is still his.

"No," he says. "You might have your Russian loyalty, and Steve has – whatever it is he feels for that guy. But he's not innocent, and you don't get to decide what happens to him."

“And you do?”

“No, we have a legal system for that,” Tony says. “And I, for one, am gonna let them do their job.” 


	11. Chapter 11

Steve has no idea how much time he spends wandering around but, by the time he decides where he wants to go, the bones in his wrist have already healed. Physically, he is perfectly fine when he knocks at Nelson and Murdock's door. It's only after a few minutes waiting that Steve realizes it is the middle of the night, and he is going to have to wait until business hours to talk to Bucky's lawyers. He could call them but he lost his phone right before he passed out back in the hotel. He wonders if Tony would call them, probably not.

He was too naïve to think that Tony would simply accept Bucky in his house, knowing that he is responsible for his what happened to his parents. All he wanted was to bring Bucky home, but Steve should have known better.

He sits down on the bottom step in front of the building and loosens the bow tie from his neck. He rubs his hands over his face and thinks of Bucky. God, he must be so scared. Steve needs to fix this, he needs to rescue Bucky from wherever they put him and take him somewhere safe. Perhaps they should leave the country. 

Steve takes a deep breath and tries to control himself when he realizes his hands are shaking. It will do him no good to freak out in the middle of the street, even if it is mostly deserted at this hour.

He doesn't know how long he waits, but the sun comes up at some point and a couple of hours later he spots Nelson making his way to the building. He has two cups of coffee in a carton tray which, Steve knows, aren't for him. He doesn't need the caffeine, but he wouldn't mind having something warm to hold with his cold hands.

Steve stands up and opens his mouth but Nelson talks first. “Hey,” he greets Steve. “I just got a call from Ms. Potts. Matt’s on his way.” He stops to search his pockets for the keys and it’s only then he seems to take in the way Steve is dressed. “How long have you been here?”

“I couldn’t call you,” Steve says. “Please, you gotta help us. I don’t even know where he is.” He really doesn’t, he hadn’t realized that. He stormed out of the hotel like a kid throwing a tantrum and he didn’t even bother finding out where Agent Thompson took Bucky.

Nelson finds his keys on the in the inside pocket of his suit jacket and lets the two of them in. He puts his things on the table and then hands one of the coffees to Steve.

“Well, for better or worse James’ hearing is next week, so the best use of our time now is to prepare for it.”

“Bucky,” Steve says.

“Sorry?”

“Everybody calls,” _Called, you’re not in 1939 anymore,_ Steve ignores the voice inside his head, “him Bucky. Well, except for his mom.” _And Natasha_ , he also doesn’t say.

Nelson offers him a friendly smile. “Well, we are going to do everything we can to help Bucky.”

Steve takes a sip of the coffee before trying to reciprocate the smile. He believes Mr. Nelson.

Murdock shows up half an hour after them. Steve thinks he sees a black eye under the red glasses but he can’t be sure. From them on Steve spends the whole morning and good part of the afternoon watching the two lawyers work on trying to locate Bucky, and then preparing for his hearing. At around lunchtime Foggy – Nelson asked Steve to call him by his nickname – receives a phone call telling him where Bucky is, and that he is isolated from the other inmates. Foggy and Matt can go see him, Steve can’t.

-

He is given an orange jumpsuit and asked to strip off the clothes he is wearing. For a moment he wants to protest, but only because that is Steve's hoodie and he doesn't know what is going to happen with the clothes once he gives them to the officer waiting for him to change.

Throughout the entire process, from leaving the hotel until the moment he got here, Bucky still doesn't feel like the things happening are actually happening to him. Ever since Romlow started reciting the words Bucky has been feeling like he is merely a spectator to his own life. He understands what is happening but, at the same time, he feels dejected from the whole thing.

He is being arrested. He thinks somebody read his rights for him, but he has no idea if they told him about the charges yet. There was a lot to pick from everything he has done.

Bucky puts on the jumpsuit and hands his clothes to the warden. Rumlow's blood is dry on his face, but he ignores the itchy sensation. He is led to an isolated part of the building and down a corridor which ends in a heavy metal door with a small slot on the bottom for the plates of food. This is the first time Bucky has been inside of an actual prison, but none of this is unfamiliar to him. He is going to stay in a compartment with reinforced walls and no windows. The only differences are that he can still faintly hear the other prisoners – that there are other prisoners at all – and that he probably won't get beaten up or electrocuted; not right away, anyway.

He watches everything with a detached curiosity. And deep down there’s a little voice inside his head telling him he is never leaving this place again. It doesn’t bother him too much, at least not until it reminds him is never going to see Steve again. Bucky knew he was living on borrowed time in the Tower, but the thought of no longer sharing his life with Steve scares him more than the idea of a death sentence.

He is successful at letting every feeling slide, of ignoring the lingering anxiety as he approaches the cell, but the moment it opens for him and he is pushed inside and the door is locked behind him, Bucky gives in to the panic. His stomach contracts painfully and he rushes to the metal toiled welded to the wall just in time to for his dinner to make a comeback.

When the heaving stops Bucky sits down on the floor. Five minutes. Bucky allows himself five minutes to lose control. He doesn’t bite his lip, he doesn’t stop the tears, he doesn’t suppress the sob that comes up his throat. He almost made it. He almost made it back to Steve, back to his life. He draws his knees up to his chest and hugs them with his single arm. And he cries. He is so tired of not having any control over his life. He is so fucking tired of this shit.

Once his five minutes are up Bucky wipes his eyes and stands up. He walks over to the sink and washes Rumlow’s blood off his face. He still has the hearing. He knows who he is and nobody is going to take that away from him again. This is not the end of the line.

Steve had needed him. Bucky would do it all over again if he had to. He just wishes there was a way to talk to Steve if only to tell him not to worry.  As times goes by Steve is actually the only thing on Bucky's mind. He lies down on the cot and stares up at the blank ceiling above him. There is so much from their past that has been coming back to Bucky over the last weeks.

He remembers the day he met Steve, how much smaller than him he was, even though he always had such a presence in him that half the time Bucky never even realized the difference. He remembers a few of the times he thought he would lose Steve to something like asthma or pneumonia, or even a bully that didn't have anything to lose and wouldn't care beating the shit of a little guy, just because he didn't have it in him to back down.

At least now Steve is safe from most of the exterior dangers that could come to him – even if he still chases after some of them – and he has a group of friend to watch his back that is even more equipped than the Howling Commandoes were. But still, Bucky knows that there is a bunch of stuff inside of him that has been eating at Steve for a long time, and it fucking kills Bucky that he can't just fix things for Steve. It fucking kills him that he can't just make everything better; it kills him like, like seeing Steve in the tuxedo and not being able to… what? Where did _that_ thought come from?

Bucky rolls over on the cot to watch the locked metal door, but it bores him pretty quickly – he is surprised of how easily he grew accustomed to the tablet Stark had given him – so he closes his eyes and tries to relax enough to take a nap. Steve is still on his mind as he slowly drifts to sleep.

-

“I cannot believe you,” Pepper says, for the umpteenth time as she paces in front of him. Honestly, Tony is already selecting the oils he is going to use to massage her feet tonight. “Nope, I can’t.” She finally stops, but it is only so that the hands-on-hips thing has more effect. “I cannot believe you didn’t tell Barnes, that you didn’t tell _Steve_ , about the monitoring.”

Tony scoffs and rolls his eyes like he has been doing for the last forty minutes. It’s his defense mechanism, he becomes a cocky asshole when cornered, he can’t help it, just as the psychologist he saw that one time. “Yeah, like Rogers would just accept that.”

“Tony, it’s not about accepting,” Pepper counters. “It’s the law. You basically violated their rights.”

“It’s not like they paraded naked around the house. J would totally have censored that.”

Pepper sighs the sigh that says he is not getting any, anytime soon.  "Where is he?"

“He’s going to be locked up until the –”

“Not Barnes, Steve.”

Tony opens his mouth, only to immediately shut it again once he realizes he has no idea where Cap is. Last Tony saw of him he had been angrily walking away from a kidnapping slash attempt of murder. _Yep_ , Tony really should have kept tabs on him when Steve left the hotel. The glare Pepper is sending him is completely justified. “I don’t know.”

Pepper sits down next to him. “I know this whole thing hasn’t exactly been easy for you.”

She is giving him that face that invites him to open up and throw all of his baggage onto her, which is why Tony has to play it off with a quip, “Why, because I shared bread with the guy who killed my folks? Wasn’t Jesus that said forgive and forget?”

“Tony,” Pepper sighs. “I think you should talk to Barnes. I think you should tell him how you feel.” She turns to face him and places a hand above his. “And as for Steve, none of this is his fault, and you know how much James means to him, he’s probably very torn about this.”

Although Tony agrees with her on Barnes – the guy was tortured for seventy years for god’s sake – he doesn’t think Steve is feeling torn between Tony and Barnes, in fact, Tony is pretty sure he knows exactly where Steve’s loyalties lie, and it is definitely not with him. He doesn’t tell Pepper, though. There’s no need to get her thinking he is jealous of Cap’s BFF.

“You good?” Pepper asks, Tony nods and she takes hold of one of his hands and pulls him. Tony smirks at her he allows himself to be guided, but Pepper puts her free hand on his lips just as he is reaching hers. “I have a meeting. I’m just helping you get up.”

“But –”

She stands up and brings him with her. “Off you go, come on.”

“This is really unfair,” Tony protests as Pepper plants both hands on his back and starts pushing him towards the door. “I own this building.”

“You sure do,” she says. “Now go find Steve.”

-

Steve stays at Nelson and Murdock until the lawyers have to leave to go see Bucky. He spends the whole time it takes the two to get ready contemplating what message he should ask them to pass on to Bucky. That Steve is going to do everything he can, maybe, but there isn’t much he can do now. The hearing is just around the corner, and in reality, they have a better shot at helping Bucky than he does at this point. He settles for something simpler, then, something hopeful.

“Could you tell him,” Steve says when they are already outside the building. Foggy and Matt turn to him, expectant. “Tell him I’ll be waiting. I’ll be right here when he comes back.”

Foggy nods at him. “We will.”

Steve stays at the curb and watches as they hail a cab, enter it, and then ride off. He keeps his eyes on the yellow car until it disappears in the distance. Then Steve turns around and all of the sudden realizes he has nowhere to go.

He can't possibly stay under Tony's roof after what happened. Although, logically, he knows he has to swing by the Tower at some point to get his things. He doesn't feel like doing that just now, though. He feels restless, even though he hasn't slept in twenty-four hours, but he can't stop thinking about Bucky, so he starts walking – in no particular direction – and lets his mind wander as his feet do the same.

He has been walking for maybe half an hour when Natasha finds him.

"You following me?" Steve says and immediately feels bad for the venom in his voice.

But Natasha is completely unimpressed by him. She arches an eyebrow and pointedly looks at Steve’s disheveled appearance. “You look like you had a fun night,” she comments as she falls into step with him.

They are silent for a couple of minutes until Steve breaks it, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He almost excuses himself by saying he is worried about Bucky, but Nat is probably just as concerned as he is, she is with Bucky after all.

Natasha shrugs. “You’re not wrong.”

“So you _were_ following me?”

“I knew you’d be here,” she explains. “But I didn’t actually spend my night watching up from around the corner if that’s what you mean.” Steve closes his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose and then opening them again. He can feel Natasha’s gaze on him but he doesn’t have anything to say to that so he keeps his mouth shut. “Steve.” She puts a hand on the crook of his elbow to for him to stop, to look at her. “James is going to be okay.”

It’s like she is trying to break Steve, to shatter him from the inside. He knows he is being overly dramatic, it’s less than a week until the hearing, and Pepper said the odds were in Bucky’s favor, but, if things go south – Steve doesn’t actually know what he might do, but he is pretty sure he will have to break some laws. The only thing he is sure is that he is not going to let Bucky pay for something that was beyond his control.

He tries to smile at Nat. He hasn’t been fair to her, just because he was – what, jealous? – it doesn’t mean Steve gets to be an ass, she is his friend too. “Yeah,” he agrees with her, “he’s gonna be fine.” Steve shakes his head. “It’s just – it’s not fair – that he has to go through this, on top of everything else he had to endure for all those years. His own country – treating him like a criminal.”

"My own country made me a spy at the age of ten," Natasha says. "They're not all that reliable." After a moment of silence, she hooks her arm through Steve's and resumes their walking. "Listen, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but – I think you should go easy on Stark."

Steve snorts. “I can’t believe you’re choosing him over your own boyfriend.”

“What?”

“What if Jarvis caught you being,” Steve feels his cheeks heat up, “intimate?”

Natasha takes her arm from his and steps in front of him. “What the hell are you talking about? Barton’s not even here.” Her eyes go slightly wide for a second, but she quickly composes herself. “Don’t tell him I said that.”

Steve frowns. “You’re cheating on Bucky?”

“No,” she says, and then something seems to click and she shoots Steve a knowing grin. “Did you think I was dating Barnes?”

Steve lowers his gaze to avoid hers and scratches at the short hairs on the back of his head. He shouldn't have said anything. "I – I heard you two talking – about being a long time."

“Since we’ve sparred together,” Natasha says. “Yeah, it’s been almost twenty years.”

“Oh,” Steve lets out. He feels like an idiot. “I thought –”

"That we were scheduling a hookup?" She completes. "Steve," she calls softly and he feels compelled to look at her. "I did sleep with him, but it was a lifetime ago, and neither of us even knew ourselves when it happened."

“I’m sorry, Nat. I really am.”

Natasha studies him intensively for a moment. “Steve, are you in –” Whatever it is that she is about to say gets cut off when her phone starts to vibrate in her jacket pocket. She fishes out and looks at the caller ID, and then at Steve. “This is probably for you.” She shows him the screen. It’s Sam. Natasha answers the call and, sure enough, it is for him.

“Do you know where Rogers is?” Steve hears Sam asking.

“Yeah, hang on,” Natasha says, passing the phone to Steve.

“Hi, Sam.”

“Oh, good,” Sam sighs over the line. “You’re not trying to break Barnes out just yet,” he hesitates for a second before adding, “you’re _not_ , right?”

“No, no. I was with his lawyers just now,” Steve explains.

“I saw the news,” Sam says. Steve hadn’t even thought about that.  “How you doing?”

“Did you know Tony was spying on us? He’s been filming Buck all this time.”

“Well, to be fair, isn’t he filming all of us?” Steve rolls his eyes, even though Sam can’t see him. He supposes Sam has a point. Jarvis _is_ present in all the apartments, and Tony had told them where the cameras were. But Steve doubts he has been sending footage of the whole Tower to the Attorney General. He realizes he has been quiet for too long when Sam calls him, “Steve? You still there?”

"Yeah, sorry. Spaced out a bit." He closes his eyes for a moment and it's like the last twenty-four hours finally catch up with him. Steve has to actually make an effort to open his eyes again. He swallows down a yawn.

“Man, go home,” Sam says, so maybe Steve was not as successful hiding the yawn as he thought. “Go to sleep.”

"I – I can't just go back there." Just then his eyes find Natasha's and she shoots him a sad little smile. She can't listen to Sam, but she probably got the gist of their conversation. Steve rubs at the corners of his eyes with his free hand. He wonders what home is for her because when Sam tells him to go home it is not the Tower that comes to Steve's mind, it's not even a place.

Again, he stays quiet for too long and Sam has to draw back his attention. “Steve,” he says, and it is almost like he is bargaining with him, “Come on, dude. Go get some rest; you’re no help to Barnes like this. And listen, I’ll help you find a place if you really don’t wanna keep living at Stark’s, no problem. But maybe sit on it – for now?”

Steve nods, forgetting for a moment he is not actually in front of Sam. “Yeah,” he agrees then, “Okay, fine.”

“Great,” Sam says. “Oh, and I’m texting you something, by the way. Don’t fight me on this, alright. Gotta go, bye.”

"Wait, Sam! This isn't my pho–" he starts but the line is already disconnected. He glances at Natasha and explains that Sam said he sent him a text so that she doesn't think that he is snooping around her messages. She simply shrugs.

Steve looks at the screen and taps the icon to open the new message.

_u’ve an appt w Doc. Stevenson 2morow 4pm at the VA_

Steve deletes the message the second he is done reading it. He looks up and Natasha is still studying with an unhappy frown. Steve gives in. He is tired and Sam is right, he is no use to Bucky like this, he needs to be able to think clearly. He has to be prepared for whatever the outcome of the hearing is.

He hands the phone back to Natasha and asks, “Can I get a ride?”

For a moment he thinks she is going to make some joke about helping out an elderly citizen or something along those lines, but all she does it nod in acknowledgment and as she starts heading for what Steve assumes is the direction of her car. He follows her silently and only he they get into the car does Natasha speaks again, "Tower?" Steve confirms, but she still doesn't move to start the car. "I think there's something about you you gotta know, or, at least acknowledge."

Steve shoots her a confused grin. “Are you gonna tell me what it is?”

 “No,” she says, and starts the car then. “You won’t believe me if I tell you, so I’ll let you figure it out on your own.”

Steve’s brain is honestly not up to the task of making sense of what she is on about, so he doesn’t even try. He stores Natasha’s cryptic message for later, when he is more alert, and drops his head on the headrests, leaning his face towards the window. He doesn’t allow himself to relax too much, knowing that if he falls asleep in the car there will be no waking him up, and nobody at the Tower has the strength to carry him to his floor. Bucky would probably be able to, Steve thinks absentmindedly.

Natasha doesn’t seem to mind that he is not even trying to get to a conclusion, and so Steve spends the rest of the drive enjoying the quiet inside the car.

-

Bucky is told he has visitors. Then, before he is taken to them, his feet are put back into the cuffs that are connected to a chain which goes up to trap his arm behind his back, and then even higher, to lock around his neck. It’s the same thing they put him in when he left the hotel. Agent Thompson had even stood up for him when she saw it, saying it wasn’t necessary, that Bucky wasn’t violent, and that he wouldn’t fight. But he still had a bruise on his face from Rumlow and her colleagues were not willing to gamble with their safety, with their lives. Bucky thinks the Agent was more affronted than he actually was when he was shackled up. No matter what Steve says, he _was_ an assassin; people have the right to protect themselves from him.

They get to the visiting room – four concrete walls with no windows and a table and in the middle – and force Bucky's shoulder until he sits down. The chain is unlocked so that they can handcuff him to the table. Nelson and Murdock are already sitting in front of him, and they wait patiently until the guards are done and leave the room – locking the door in their wake – to finally address him.

“Hello, Mr. Barnes,” Nelson is the one to break the silence. “How are you doing?”

Bucky nods at them. He hopes they don’t get as frustrated with him as he gets with himself, but he doesn’t even try to talk to them. He feels bad for their wasted trip. Without Steve here the lawyers are not going to get much.

“Good, that’s good,” Nelson says.

Murdock stays quiet, but Bucky has no doubt he is attentively listening to the one sided conversation. If he is being honest, Bucky has to admit he doesn't understand the guy. From the few times, they met Bucky got the feeling Murdock is not really sure he should be doing this. Perhaps he doesn't believe Bucky deserves this, perhaps he is one of the people who would rather have him locked up for the rest of his life, or maybe even dead.

Once again, Bucky can’t really fault people for wanting to be safe from him.

"Could you tell us about yesterday?" Nelson asks. "It'd be nice to have something to tell the judge." At Bucky's silence, he sighs. He reaches a hand over the table, almost as if he wanted to touch Bucky's hand but he stops himself before he gets too close. "You can trust us." He furrows his brown, pleading. Bucky wishes more than anything that he could be useful. "We're just trying to help."

Bucky bites down on his bottom lip and shakes his head in agreement. He understands. Nelson quietly translates the gesture to Murdock and for the first time they enter Mathew talks. "Okay, so – Did you leave the Tower yesterday, even though you were aware you were not supposed to?" A nod. "Did you do it because you thought Captain Rogers was in danger?" Yes. For every positive answer, Nelson clicks his pen on the table so that Murdock knows what is going on. "If – things had gone differently, would you have come back to the Tower to wait for the hearing?" Another confirmation.

“That’s great,” Nelson says. For a moment he seems uncomfortable with something. He avoids Bucky’s eyes as he appears to be thinking how to say or ask something. Bucky tenses up. “You never got to see that shrink, did you?” Bucky relaxes as he shakes his head no, realizing belatedly he has been thinking Nelson was about to say something bad had happened to Steve. “Well, James – can, can I call you James?” Bucky denies it. “Bucky?” Yes. “Well, Bucky. The Judge is going to want to hear you. Don’t you wanna try with us first?” He shoots Murdock a quick glance and looks back at him with a grin on his face. “Matt is not even looking at you.”

Bucky is not sure he is supposed to laugh at the joke. It doesn't bother Murdock – who smirks a little himself – but he is friends with Nelson. Bucky settles for a small quirk of his lips. Nelson seems satisfied with it.

Bucky takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, he squeezes them tightly and tries to picture himself somewhere else. He tries to conjure Steve's face in front of him, to imagine they are in their apartment in the Tower, that he is cooking them lunch as they converse quietly about something. Bucky can see the image clearly in his mind's eye. He can almost hear Steve's rich laugh as he curses, annoyed at himself for having used the wrong ingredient because he had been too distracted by whatever it was they were talking about.

Half way through the memory it dawns on him, this is not just his imagination. This really happened, but not in the Tower, not in this life. This happened a long time ago, to a different version of them.  Steve was small and he was human.

“I cook,” he mumbles, exhaling slowly. His breath comes out in shaky huffs. He gulps. “I did, for us.”

Bucky is sure he is not making any sense, and the lawyers are probably thinking he lost his mind, but he can’t help it. He is completely lost inside the memory, he wants to keep every second of it, to replay it over and over until he is certain it will never escape him again.

"I just – I –" A noise comes from outside and his eyes fly open as he is startled back to the present. Nelson is studying him with a sad frown on his brow and his mouth pressed into a thin line. Murdock is harder to read behind the glasses but he seems uncomfortable. Bucky can't do this. His shoulders drop; he looks down at his hand and shakes his head. He can't.

“Thank you,” Murdock says and, without waiting for an answer, he stands up and unfolds his cane.

Nelson seems unsure of what to do for another couple of seconds, but then Murdock clears his throat and he finally gets off the chair to follow his partner. He knocks on the door for the guard outside to open it.

Murdock leaves first. Nelson goes after him but he stops at the threshold and turns back to Bucky. “He misses you too,” he says, and then leaves the door open for the guards to escort Bucky back to his cell.

Bucky doesn’t allow himself to smile in front of the men putting him in chains. However, on the inside, he enjoys the warm feeling spreading on his chest. Steve misses him too.


	12. Chapter 12

Steve circles the block twice.  Then he stops in front of the building. It’s gray and nondescript, it could be anything. He tugs his cap even further down his head, even though the street is practically empty and those who walk by don’t spare him a single glance.   He put his hands in his pockets and rocks himself on his heels as he studies the front of the VA.

The only reason he is here it's because he needed an excuse to leave the Tower. When Natasha took him back yesterday he used the service elevator to take him straight to his apartment. And then he spent the rest of the day locked in his room because he knew there were no cameras there.

He got a few hours of sleep over night, but he doesn’t feel rested.

Steve doesn’t need a watch to know he is on time for the appointment Sam made for him. But he cannot bring himself to step inside. He doesn’t need therapy, and he feels like he is wasting time, not just his but also the doctor’s. Doctor Stevenson could be using this time to treat someone who actually needs to be here. Steve knows how hard it is for veterans to get appointments in the VA, for them to get any help. And here’s Steve, cutting the line.

Bucky would benefit from this. He needs it more than Steve and it is a travesty he can’t get the help he needs while Steve is here. Steve – who only spent two years in actual War.

A black woman in her fifties comes from the building’s entrance. Steve is so lost in thought he only notices her when she stops right in front of him. She is short, practically the same size he was before the serum. She has short, black hair and a commanding face that dares him to say no to her.

“Mr. Rogers,” she says. The fact she has to look up to face him does nothing to diminish the power emanating from her. “You are already five minutes late. The more you stay out here the later you get. And you are also distracting the receptionist from doing his job.” She jerks her head towards the building behind her and, for the first time, Steve sees that the front desk is visible from where he is and the guy sitting there is doing a poor job at pretending he hasn’t been looking.

Heat craws up Steve’s cheeks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –”

She raises a hand and he stops talking. “No need to apologize.” She takes a breath and her posture relaxes a little. “Listen, Steve. I know this is scary. You’re not the first soldier to stand in front of this building and start to rethink the whole thing. In fact, that’s more common than the ones that come in on their first try. So relax, and take your time. Nobody is gonna force you to do anything you don’t want to.” She smiles, and her welcoming face does relax Steve a little. “With that said, I _do_ think you should come.” She smirks. “At least to say hi to that young man over there, he is a big fan of yours.”

She doesn’t wait for Steve to make up his mind and instead, swivels around and marches back inside of the VA. Steve watches her disappear inside the building. He thinks of Sam and his insistence in Steve’s coming down here. He remembers the tail end of the meeting he caught, back in DC, when he met Sam. Steve has no desire to talk about himself to a group of strangers, but luckily, that is not what Sam had in mind for him.

Steve inhales a deep breath. _Man up, Rogers_ , he thinks. All he has to do is spend an hour telling a shrink about stuff he did during the war. That’s it. Then he can go and call Sam to let him know and get him off of his back. Easy.

Steve steps inside the building and heads directly to the reception desk. Up and close he sees that the guy behind the desk is barely out of his teens. He smiles sheepishly at Steve and blushes when Steve says hi to him. Normally, he doesn’t enjoy the idea of having fans, and he really doesn’t like it when people ask for photos with him, but the kid’s eyes sparkle when they look at Steve and he figures there’s no harm in indulging every now and then.

“Hi,” the guy says shakily, right before he blurts, “I love you.” Then his eyes go huge and he clamps a hand over his mouth. He seems to be on the verge of tears.

It takes Steve a while to realize this isn’t hero worship. This kid actually has a crush on him. Steve smiles at him, taking extra care not to come across as either condescending or mocking. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I’m a little too old for you. But I’m sure you’ll find someone more worthy of your love soon enough.”

After another second the kid finally relaxes and takes the hand off his mouth. He rests his elbow on the counter and his chin on his hand and sighs. “He’s never gonna be as perfect as you.”

Steve chuckles. “He’ll be better.”

The kid pouts a little and shakes his head. “You’re too nice, Cap.” He bats his eyelashes at Steve for a moment more before turning his attention to the monitor in front of him. “Doc. Stevenson is waiting for you at Room 5, sir. Just follow the corridor,” he points, “the doors are numbered.”

When Steve opens the door he is not quick enough to suppress the snort that comes from him. The woman who gave him the pep talk outside is sitting in an old, but comfortable looking, armchair inside the office. There’s a plaque with her name on the desk behind her. Dr. Miranda R. Stevenson MD.

“Hello, Steve,” She says smugly.

“Hey, Doc.”

Doctor Stevenson gestures to the sofa next to her armchair. “Sit down, please.” He does. And she doesn’t waste another second before she asks, “Well, Steve, why don’t you tell me a little about Bucky.”

Steve’s guards go instantly up. This is the VA, they were supposed to be talking about war. For a moment he feels stupid for not having done a background check on the psychiatrist before coming. She could be HYDRA, and all of this could be a trap. The only reason he remains where he is it's because he trusts Sam. He holds the doctor’s gaze as he asks, “Why?”

“Because he is your best friend,” she says with a shrug like is obvious. Maybe it is. It is possible she is not actually trying to trick him. But Steve never had to talk about Bucky. Not before, since they had always been together and people actually knew Bucky better than they knew Steve. And not after, because Bucky was dead and it hurt to even think about him. He doesn’t really know how to start. Thankfully, the doctor gives him a push. “What’s the oldest memory you have of you together?”

Once she points him towards something concrete it makes it easier for Steve to tell her about Bucky. Steve still doesn’t understand why they are doing this but he goes along with it and answers the doctor’s question. There are things he hadn’t thought about in years, he is even surprised that he still remembers them at all, but he does. It’s all clear.

He talks non-stop for about an hour and, by the time the session is over, he feels as if something has shifted inside of him. Everything is the same, but it all feels different somehow. It’s like there is something staring right at him but he can’t see it. And as he heads back to the Tower he also realizes he didn’t talk about the War. He didn’t even talk about changing. But Doc tells him she wants to see him in two days, so Steve figures it will probably come up.

-

“When he hugged me,” Steve tells Doctor Stevenson on their second session, “I thought my heart was gonna beat right outta my chest. I thought I would never see him again. And I was so mad. It was so unfair that I couldn’t go and do my part. That yet again Bucky had to fight to keep me safe and I couldn’t even help him.” Steve shakes his head, unhappy at the memory of how useless he felt. Then a chuckle rises up his throat, surprising him as much as the doctor. “That’s also the night I met Doctor Erskine.”

Steve looks up to meet her eyes. He tries to avoid them, most of the time when he is talking, but he knows this is one of people’s favorite stories about him. His transformation. However, Doctor Stevenson surprises him by going in a completely different direction. “I’ve read about his work when I was in school,” she says, taking off the glasses she uses when she has to write something down. Steve had been worried at first, that someone could break in and steal her notes. But the Doc explain to him she doesn’t write anything that could be used against him, and that the information she notes is much too random for anyone who isn’t her to point out who it is about. She puts the glasses down on her lap. “But I don’t really think the physical change affected you in a bad way.”

Steve’s brows knit together in confusion. He scoots to the edge of the sofa and rests his elbows on his knees, locking his hands together in front of him. He had been sure, until now, that that was what Sam thought had screwed with him: the change in his body and then the war. “You don’t think so?”

Doctor Stevenson shakes her head. “No. Now, I don’t know you, and I might be wrong here, but – you’re a fighter, Steve. Your body has always worked against you until the change.” She grins at him. “I think you welcomed it with open arms.”

Steve offers the Doc a lopsided smile. She’s got a point.

They are both silent for a beat, and then she puts her glasses back on. Her face takes a more serious note, but she keeps an open and welcoming posture. “Steve,” she says his name and Steve’s body tenses at the tone. “I know Bucky’s hearing is in a couple of days from now, and I’m under no illusions as to where you’ll be when the day comes. So I’d like flash forward a few years in your timeline.” She takes a breath and Steve steels himself. “Steve, I’d like you to tell me about the day he fell.”

For a moment, all Steve can do is to stare ahead, beyond the doctor, at the bookshelves behind her. He isn’t even sure he heard her right. Nobody ever asked him that. He hasn’t talked about what happened to Bucky since the day it did. And even then, he didn’t manage to give Colonel Phillips a full report. Thankfully Peggy had been there and she convinced him to let Steve go without finishing it. He couldn’t say the words, and Phillips had clearly been frustrated but he felt bad for Steve, so he released him. Today he wonders if the reason he couldn’t bring himself to tell them Bucky was dead it was because he knew – deep inside of him he knew – that Bucky was still alive.

He was alive and he waited for Steve to come to him for eight hours.

Perhaps because this is recent information, or maybe because is something the doctor could go and read online, that is the first thing to come out of Steve’s mouth. “It took eight hours from the time he fell until he was found.” His throat threatens to close and he has to swallow the lump in it down. “There was enough time – I could’ve –” He shakes his head, furious with himself. Every time he thinks about it he hates himself some more. “I had,” he croaks, “ _so_ much time to go back to him. _I didn’t_.”

“And when you were both still on the train –”

Steve looks down at his hands. He absently notices that he has to cut his nails. He spends a few seconds inspecting them, trying to distract himself from what she wants him to do. He doesn’t want to go back to the moment, he never wants to go back to that moment. Steve shuts his eyes and opens his mouth and the only thing that comes from it is a broken sob.

“Steve?” Doctor Stevenson calls him. There is a hint of concern in her voice and Steve has half a mind to get up and make a run for it. But instead, he speaks.

“It was my fault. He tried to protect me and it got him killed.” His voice wavers and he shakes his head. That’s not right. “No, it didn’t kill him. It just _condemned_ him.”

“Do you believe you’re the reason for what happened to Bucky? Do you think you condemned him?”

Steve huffs out a scornful laugh. “Did you hear what I just said,” he snaps back, and it is a testament to how out of it he is that it takes him some time to realize what he said and apologize. He forces himself to look up her.

“You didn’t hurt my feelings,” she tells him. “But you also didn’t answer my question.”

Steve inhales a shaky breath and clears his throat before he answers her. “I know I am.” He rubs his hands over his face and he leaves them there in a childish attempt to put a barrier between himself and doctor Stevenson’s questions. It doesn’t work.

“Do you think that’s how Bucky feels?”

Steve shrugs. “I don’t even know how much he remembers,” he says. It’s a half lie. He knows Bucky has been regaining a lot of things lately, but he hasn’t told Steve about the fall yet. Part of Steve dreads that it is because Bucky does hate him for it, for not catching him, and then for not looking for him.

 The doctor is quiet for a while as she scribbles down some notes, but she soon turns her attention back to him. “I have an assignment for you.” She crosses her legs and folds her hands over the clipboard on her lap. “I’ll tell you what it is in a moment, but first there’s only one more question I have to ask you, Steve.” She hesitates for the first time and the hairs at the back of Steve’s neck stand in suspicion. “This concerns your own safety as well as that of the people who work with you, so I need you to be honest with me, Steve. If you’re not ready to answer this now you can tell me later, but it’s important and I need you to tell me, okay?” Steve nods, agreeing even though he has no idea what she is talking about. “Guilt is a terrible thing, and it tears us apart. So, Steve, in your guilt over what happened to Bucky, did you crash the airplane?”

Steve instantly avoids the doctor’s gaze. She can see the truth in his eyes and he knows it. He could have landed the plane. Hell, he could have swum away. But he has never admitted that to anyone, least of all himself, and he doesn’t think he is ready to face the truth now either. For some reason, his mind goes to the kid outside at the reception desk. Steve wonders how he would look at him if he knew Captain America is suicidal.

“Steve,” she calls. Steve doesn’t look up. “I think you should take a leave from active duty,” she says cautiously.

“Why?” _Are you afraid I’m going to slit my wrists during a mission_ , he thinks. “It’s not – I’m not –”

“No,” she agrees, though he didn’t even say anything. “I’m not implying anything. My job is to make sure you don’t harm yourself or others.” She sighs. “Look, I have no way of know what’s going to happen to Bucky, but whatever it is – I can’t expect you to protect people when you won’t even protect yourself if something happens to him.”

“I can do my job,” Steve protests, almost rising from the sofa.

“Not like this, you can’t,” Doctor Stevenson says. “Your assignment is to ask Bucky if he blames you. And whatever answer he gives you, I want you to look at yourself in a mirror and tell your reflection that you are not to blame.”

“That’s it?” Steve deadpans. He likes the doctor but he is not going to do any of these things.

“For now,” she says as they both stand up. She stretches a hand for him to shake. “I’ll see you after the hearing.” Steve highly doubts that, but he keeps his mouth shut and shakes the doctor’s hand.

She calls his name when he is about to leave. Steve stops, but he doesn’t turn around to face her.

“You are a fighter,” she says once more. “There are lots of things for you to fight out there. You don’t have to fight yourself.”

Steve knocks his knuckles on the door handle for a second as he ruminates over her words. He gets nowhere and leaves the office without another word. 

-

 The day of Bucky’s hearing finally arrives and he wakes up with a start from the few hours of sleep he managed to get over night. He gets off the cot, uses the toilet, and then washes his face with the cold water from the sink. He combs his wet fingers through his hair, trying his best to smooth it down to something presentable. His parents – the little Bucky remembers of them – would scowl over him for his slacking.   

Bucky sits back down and tries to mentally prepare for what he has to do in a few hours. _I can do this_ , he tells himself. It will most likely be like a mission report, and he has years of experience on those. He remembers most of his hits, and he definitely remembers all the big shots they told him to put down. He doesn’t think he will be of much help with dates, it’s not like there was a calendar on his cryotank.

He spends the morning piecing his memories together into something comprehensible for the judge and whoever else will be at the hearing. And, before Bucky knows it, the door in front of him is being open and he is escorted – sans handcuff – to the prison’s bathroom. He is allowed five minutes to shower, and then given underwear and a suit. There’s a Post it on the jacket wishing him good luck and a smiley face. Bucky doesn’t recognize the handwriting but if he had to guess he would say this is probably for Ms. Potts. She has done a lot of nice stuff for him since Steve left the hospital. Bucky should really find a way to speak if only to thank her for everything.

He’s offered food but he declines it with a shake of his head. Bucky doubts it would stay down, even if he managed to pass it through his closing throat. He really, really wishes Steve were here. But he can’t voice what he wants, and even then, he is sure it would be declined.

The handcuff with the chains attaching his arm to both his neck and legs makes a comeback right before they take him to the van to escort him to the court house. There are several reporters outside the prison. They are taking pictures, filming, and shouting his name from behind a barrier the police must have set up. And Bucky is suddenly glad that his hand is tied behind his back and none of the reporters can see it shaking.

He hadn’t thought about this. Steve had told him that people knew who he was and what he did and what happened to him because it was all on the internet. But Bucky had no idea, until now, what that would mean. His stomach twists in a painful knot as he looks at the reporters one last time before he is nudged to step inside the van. Bucky swallows down the excess of saliva that suddenly fills his mouth.

“Are you alright, Sergeant?” Somebody asks and Bucky raises his eyes, noticing for the first time that Agent Thompson is among the officers escorting him. She is yet another person that has been decent to him and he wishes he could thank her too. But he keeps his mouth shut – knowing is possible nothing will come out – and nods at her. She still seems concerned for a moment but averts her eyes when is clear that’s all the response she will get.

It takes about half an hour until they reach the court house. The van stops at what’s clearly the back of the building and Bucky’s shoulders lose some of the tension when he doesn’t see any reporters waiting for him.

He is walked inside with a hand on his arm. But the hand belongs to Agent Thompson and she merely falls into step with him, instead of steering Bucky to where she wants him to go. She actually tells him when to make a turn.

Bucky follows her direction seamlessly. He doesn’t even drag his feet much despite the chains impairing his movements. He keeps his head down for most of the short trajectory to the elevator and then out of it. He looks up once and that’s when he halts. He vaguely notices that the agents behind him almost collide with his back, but Bucky is not paying enough attention to that to feel sorry. No. His eyes are firmly focused on the people in front of him.

His lawyers.

And Steve.

Two months ago Steve had been locked away deep inside Bucky’s mind, along with everything that _made_ him Bucky. Now that he has that part of himself back Bucky cannot believe how much he missed Steve these few days they were apart. And Bucky drinks the whole of him in. Steve looks – he looks tired but also – Steve looks really good. Bucky doesn’t think he paid attention to it during the last month, but gee Stevie is a goddamn looker. Even with the slight bags under his eyes.

Bucky blinks the thought away, not knowing where the hell it came from or what to do with it, and suddenly Steve is right in front of him. He is smiling like sunshine and Bucky can’t help but to allow the corners of his own lips to curl up as well.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve breathes out. “How you been?” As much as he is happy to see Steve, Bucky can’t speak in front of all these people so he limits his response to a crooked grin and a shrug. Steve doesn’t seem bothered by his silence. “Good. You just have to hang on for a little longer. Is that alright?” Bucky nods. He doesn’t think Steve is in a position to make this kind of promises but he believes him anyway.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Agent Thompson says. And only when she speaks Bucky realizes she never left his side and had been watching the two of them the whole time. It makes heat rise up his cheeks for some reason and he ducks his head.

Steve draws back his attention. “I’d say break a leg,” he says, pointedly looking at Bucky’s left side, “but I think it'd be unfair.” He tenses up the moment the words are out of his mouth and it’s the only thing that tells Bucky that what he just said was Steve trying to make a joke. Bucky snorts and rolls his eyes, and Steve relaxes.

All too soon Agent Thompson’s hand is back on his arm. And this time she does guide him to where she wants him to go, which is a good thing since Bucky wouldn’t willingly move away from Steve if she hadn’t tugged him towards his lawyers.

They say hi to him but Bucky only acknowledges the two with a nod. He is still looking over his shoulder, at Steve. He is not going to be allowed in; Bucky realizes when he doesn’t move to join them as the doors open. And Bucky realizes he is not ready to do this without him.

He is not given a chance, though.

And then he is inside the room. There is a large, hollow in the middle, round table which takes most of the space. A judge, the Attorney General and several other government men and women in suits, along with military personnel are on the opposite side from each Bucky and the lawyers come in. There are rows of chairs in front of the table which Bucky assumes is for when audiences are open to the public and press. As things stand now they are all empty, since – thankfully – his hearing is private.

He is guided to a chair and the chains and handcuff are taken out. Agent Thompson’s hand linger for a bit longer after she takes the part on his neck and she whispers a good luck before stepping away from him. Bucky doesn’t think she is waiting for a response so he doesn’t give her one. He sits down and then Nelson sits next to him and Murdock next to Nelson. 

The agents step away but don’t leave the room. Maybe they are afraid Bucky will try to kill everyone with his single hand, the office supplies, and people’s own clothes. They are right that he _could_ do it, but they are wrong to think that he would. His job today is to make everybody here see that.

A woman stands up and pushes aside part of the table and walks over to him from the inside of it. She holds a Bible in front of him, and if Bucky were religious he would shy from it, afraid to burst into flames. But he is simply asked to put his hand on it and swear to tell the truth.

Bucky stands up – slowly, not to alarm the agents behind him – places his hand on the Bible and nods. He holds his breath, but after a tense couple of seconds, the judge presiding the hearing simply cites his action for the woman next to her to type it down. Bucky sits back down with a sigh. This is going to be a long day.

He startles when the judge calls his name.

“Mr. Barnes, could you please state your full name for the record?”

All eyes are on him and Bucky shifts on the chair. His throat feels suddenly dry, he opens his mouth and draws in a breath, and he knows for sure then that he is not going to be able to do this. He can’t speak. He thought he could, but he can’t. His heart starts pounding fast against his chest and he feels almost as if he were about to pass out.

Nelson looks at him for a moment and then turns his attention to the judge. “Your Honor, my client is a bit overwhelmed. If he could have a glass of water, please.”

From the corner of his eye, Bucky sees the judge nodding. “Bailiff,” she calls, and the stout, balding man walk away, disappearing through the same door Bucky had been brought from. He is back a moment later with a plastic cup. He places it on the table in front of Bucky and walks away. Bucky can recognize when someone is afraid of him. It’s the only way people have looked at him for the last five decades.

To make his mortification even worse, he ends up spilling some water down his shirt when he picks it up because he cannot control his shaking hand.   Bucky puts the cup back down without drinking from it. He keeps his head down and stares at the wet fabric as it clings to his chest. His face is burning with embarrassment. He used to be so smooth. He never spilled anything, not even drunk off his ass.

Bucky feels his eyes welling up and he has to blink rapidly to try and keep them dry. The judge calls his name but he doesn’t dare to look up.

“Your Honor, I – I think we are going to need more time,” Murdock says. “My client is clearly not in the right state of mind for this.”

“Are you suggesting he needs a psychological evaluation, Mr. Murdock?”

Murdock is quiet for almost a minute. Bucky thinks that’s exactly what he is suggesting, that he is out of his rocker and they should let a shrink and a straightjacket deal with him. But then Murdock speaks. “No, Your Honor. We just need a little more time.”

Bucky is so surprised he turns his head to look at him. He can never gauge much from Murdock but he’s always had the feeling the lawyer doesn’t like him. Nevertheless, Murdock is the first to stand up and argue with the judge.

“Our client has suffered tremendously for – with all due respect, Your Honor – longer than you have been alive,” Murdock says. “It was bound to take its toll on him.”

"Save your words, counsel. This is not s trial." She turns her pointed look at Bucky and Nelson since Murdock can’t see her. “It is a hearing and we are here to _hear_ Mr. Barnes.” She turns her attention completely to Bucky. “You have been presumed dead since 1945, and all the while you have been committing crimes for one of this country’s biggest enemies. Mr. Barnes,” she doesn’t call him sergeant and Bucky can't tell if it’s a relief or not, “you have to tell us what happened.”

Bucky tries. He tries hard to hold her gaze. But his palm is sweaty and it feels like it doesn’t matter how much he breathes he can’t bring enough oxygen to his lungs. Once he was electrocuted for so long he had a heart attack, and that is the exact same thing Bucky is feeling right now. His country sees him as an enemy, the same country that sent him to war, to fight for it. His face feels wet and itchy but Bucky barely registers it.

“Your Honor,” Nelson’s voice sound distant. It’s funny because Bucky was sure they had been sitting next to each other. “We need to take him out of here.”

Somebody touches his shoulder and Bucky instinctively elbows the person on their ribs before scooting away from them as fast as he can. He ends up on the floor and curls up on himself as he tries to breathe. He hears shouting and he hears Steve’s name but he cannot concentrate on what is being said. Bucky clutches at his own chest and he is sure he is about to pass out or die when someone else approaches him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” a female voice says.

Bucky is trying to identify the blurred woman when he feels a pinprick on his neck and the whole world disappears from around him.


	13. Chapter 13

Steve is still fuming with rage by the time Bucky starts showing signs of waking up. He just can’t wrap his head around the fact they decided to shoot Bucky with a fucking tranquilizer when he was in the middle of a panic attack. Steve desperately wants to punch something.

It takes another five minutes until Bucky finally lets out a small whimper and opens his eyes. His brows knit together and he blinks at Steve in confusion for a few seconds before he seems to recognize him. “Steve,” Bucky hasps out.

Steve takes the glass of water he had ready for when Bucky woke up and holds it out for him. “How you feeling?” Bucky groans and holds the side of his head as he sits up on the sofa. Steve sits next to him. The judge had been so distressed with what happened that she actually offered her office for them. Steve had picked Bucky's limp body up from the floor and carried him here. Someone had offered a gurney but Steve just snarled at the man and tightened his grip on Bucky. 

“What happened?” Bucky asks as he accepts the glass of water. He drinks the whole thing in one go and hands the glass back to Steve. “My head hurts.”

Steve works his jaw as he puts the glass on the coffee table in front of them. “You had a panic attack,” he explains, trying to keep his anger down lest Bucky thinks is directed at him. “Somebody shot you with a tranquilizer.”

Bucky’s eyebrows shoot up as he seems to remember the events of the last hour. “I think I hurt someone.”

“You elbowed Foggy – Mr. Nelson – on the ribs, but he’s okay,” Steve assures him, but Bucky goes pale anyway. “You didn’t break anything.”

Bucky shakes his head and hides his face on his hand. “I screwed up,” he says from behind his hand. “What’s gonna happen to me now?”

Steve hesitates then. He overheard some of the talking going on outside while he waited for Bucky to wake up. “Well, I – I think they still want to listen to you –”

Slowly Bucky lowers his hand from his face and then he looks at Steve. Steve has always been a shitty liar, but lying to Bucky especially was something he just couldn't do. Bucky has always been able to see right through him. Seventy years of torture and brainwash later and he still can. "And if I can't talk? If I – if I freak out again?"

“Maybe, uh, some of them I guess,” Steve stumbles over his own words and wishes more than anything that the people he heard have no actual say in what happens to Bucky. “I mean, I just –”

“Steve,” Bucky urges him.

“They wanna put you in an institu –”

“A loony bin?” Bucky cuts him off. He shakes his head. “I’ll eat my gun first, thanks.”

His session with Doctor Stevenson comes to Steve's mind and Bucky's bluntness makes him flinch. "Don't say that. You're a survivor. You got this far."

Bucky snorts. "I got this far cos dying wasn't an option," he snarls. "Don't you think I ever tried?" A cold feeling washes over Steve and it doesn't go unnoticed if the way Bucky starts to backtrack is any indication. "No, no, I'm not saying –" he blows out a frustrated breath. "Jesus. I'm not going to kill myself, Steve. You read my file. I wanted an out from that. But this? This isn’t even close. I can bear this.”

Without really thinking it, Steve reaches over and takes hold of Bucky's hand. He entwines their fingers together. Bucky looks surprised but he doesn't pull his hand away and actually squeezes Steve's hand back. "You know that I'm with you, right?" Steve reminds him. “Every step of the way, ‘til the end of the line. Beyond that, if I have to."  

Bucky wets his lips and nods. Steve holds his gaze and he only looks away when somebody outside knocks on the door. Bucky finally pulls his hand away as Steve tells whoever it is that they can come in.

It’s Murdock.

“Excuse me,” he says as he steps inside, “If I may have a word with you, Mr. Barnes.”

Steve understands he is indirectly being asked to leave, but he is only getting out if Bucky wants him to. So Steve turns to him to ask, “You’ll be okay?” Bucky nods. “Okay.” Steve puts a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze before he stands up and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

-

Barnes' heart rate is back to normal, Matt notices. He uses the cane to avoid hitting the coffee table and pretends he needs it to guide him towards Barnes. Matt doesn't ask if he can take a seat or not before sitting down next to him.

This is the last chance they have if they want to get Barnes free. It's a Hail Mary, and the most stupid idea Matt has ever had, but he needs to know if he can trust Barnes. He needs to know if he is doing the right thing by trying to set this man free.

“I know I need to gain your trust for you to open up to me so –” He hands Barnes the newspaper clipping Foggy had been keeping in a drawer for a few months now.

And the fact that he is blind must bring some sort of comfort to Barnes that he can at least talk enough to say, "This is half of a weather forecast," in a quiet tone.

“No, uh, the other side.”

“Daredevil?” Matt knows Barnes is looking at him so he nods.

“That’s me,” Matt explains. “There are a lot of things in this city that don’t get the Avenger’s attention.”

“Why are you showing me this?”

“Now you know something about me that only one other person knows,” Matt says. “I want you to return the favor.”

“I didn’t choose this.” Barnes’ voice is so small Matt has to move closer to hear him. “I’m not – gonna tell anyone about you,” he says, handing back the clipping. “I’m not a traitor. I swear.”

He really isn’t. Matt thinks he understands him now. Whatever was done to him, it broke him in many ways but it didn’t taint him. It didn’t kill his spirit and he is certainly not evil. Barnes is not hiding anything; he is just trying to protect himself. Matt can understand that.

"We can ask the judge to postpone the hearing if you want?" He offers.

Barnes stays silent for nearly a minute before he announces his decision with a single word. "No."

-

Foggy had been so sure they were going home he had already started to plan for dinner. He is going to nurse a nice, cold beer over his sore ribs when he gets home. So he is more than a little surprise when Matt comes back with Barnes. He doesn't even have time to ask Matt what happened before the judge resumes the session.

She shoots Barnes a sympathetic look, but she doesn’t shy away from what she has to do. “You should know, Mr. Barnes, that there are several members of this committee who think the right thing to do here is to charge you with Treason and let a jury decide your fate. I need you to give us a reason _not_ to do that.”

Foggy swivels his head to look at Bucky. His hand is still shaking, but it is nowhere near as bad as an hour ago. But Foggy is still on the fence about whether he can do this or not. He has always tried to look at things from the brighter side, and sure, when he woke up today he thought they were going to win this before it goes to trial. But now, now Foggy is starting to think he misjudged all of them.

He tries to be discreet as he watches Barnes. Perhaps Matt was right and the best thing for him would be to put him somewhere where he could be treated. He is clearly not okay. And with every passing moment, it seems less likely that Barnes is going to speak. Foggy wishes he could be of more help, but he feels completely out of his depth here.

He is already planning on how to ask the judge to give them a few more days, and how to tell Steve Rogers that, maybe, Matt and he are not the best people to handle this case when Bucky Barnes starts to speak.

“I fell – I – I,” he says quietly. He is not looking at the judge or anybody else. Instead, his head is bowed and his eyes are fixed on his hand. It’s only then that Foggy realizes he closed it in a fist and it is no longer visible if he is still shaking or not. “From the – train.”

It takes Barnes a long time to string together his sentence. His voice sounds rusty, probably due to disuse, and it comes out as low as a whisper. But he is trying. Foggy is amazed by him and he is trying not to draw attention to it, lest it makes Barnes self-conscious and he shuts up again. And he is not the only one, he notices. Everyone around the table is dead quiet waiting for Bucky to continue.

“I don’t remember much,” he explains. And it sounds like an apology.

The judge takes it as one. “That’s alright, Mr. Barnes. There are several pages worth of information about your capture.” She is so sympathetic Foggy wants to stand up and go to her to ask what the point of all of this is. But Ms. Potts did tell them things were on Bucky’s favor, so… Well, Foggy is very much reconsidering his career choice at the moment. It’s all too confusing sometimes. “What we need to know here is –” judge Morales says, “Are you a danger to society, Mr. Barnes?” Her tone is not unkind but it still makes Bucky flinch beside Foggy. “You have committed multiple crimes, that’s a fact. But did you ever have any agency on them? Were you the finger on the trigger, Mr. Barnes, or were you the weapon?”

Bucky's eyes are shining with unshed tears and Foggy’s own eyes sting in sympathy when he looks at him.

“I didn’t know who I was,” Barnes says softly. “I didn’t know I _was_ – for a long time.” He shakes his head and Foggy doesn’t know if he is answering a question or just trying to orient his thoughts. “There was no right or wrong. All I – all I had to do was follow orders.”

He is quiet for a long time after that and the judge is forced to prompt him for more. “And if you didn’t?”

Barnes shakes his head again and this time Foggy reads it as an answer. “Not an option,” Bucky says still not looking at anybody in the room. He is not embarrassed, Foggy notices. His cheeks are as pale as they were the day he met him. Bucky is not being coy, he is humiliated.

To make matters worse that’s the moment a member of the military personnel decides this is the time for them to chime in. “You mean you would die if you didn’t comply?” He says it like it is clear Barnes should have chosen death.

Matt notices too and he is quicker than Foggy to protest. "Your Honor, is he implying my client should have given up life?"

Foggy has to suppress a smirk when judge Morales turns to scold at the General. "Is it?" The man's eyes go from her to the rest of his peers but nobody offers to jump in in his favor, and so he glances back at the judge and shakes his head. "Very well," she says, redirecting her attention to Bucky. "You may proceed, Mr. Barnes."

“I know it would be better if I had.” His voice is firmer now, even if he his eyes remain downcast. “Died. But I couldn't." Foggy watches the muscles on Bucky's jaw working. After a whole afternoon of seeing him fighting tooth and nail to just hold it together, Foggy is actually excited to see him express something else, even if it's anger. "I couldn't do a goddamn thing," he confesses. And then it happens. Barnes straightens his posture and finally looks up. There are still traces of mortification on his face, but he is keeping it at bay. "I have triggers. Some words in Russian that can activate the Winter Solder," he reveals. "They're still active, I learn a week ago."

Barnes stands up and the agents behind him tense up. Foggy doesn’t need to look to see they all have their hands on their guns.

“I’m the weapon,” Bucky says, answering the judge’s question. “And I don’t know how to get this stuff out.” He frowns down at his feet for a moment before looking up again. “If you wanna kill me – or maybe even set me free." He offers the judge a self-deprecating grin as if the mere possibility of letting him go was ludicrous. "That's your call. But I – I can't live another lifetime locked up." Bucky shakes his head, and tears run down his face. "I can't."

Judge Morales studies Bucky for several, tense minutes. Everyone around the room seems to be collectively holding their breaths as they wait for her to make a decision. Foggy spares a glance to the Attorney General but the fact he has kept quiet for the entire hearing is pretty telling. The decision whether to charge Bucky or release him is entirely in her hands.

Morales looks at her colleagues and the military across the table, but none of them seems willing to talk. The judge sighs and looks down at the papers in front of her. “Mr. Barnes,” she starts, “I have to be honest, part of me feels it is remissive, to simply overlook the fact that you have killed so many people. Including one of our presidents.”

Foggy’s shoulder sag. But on the bright, he makes up his mind. He is not going to give up Bucky’s case. He is already preparing an appeal in his mind, but the judge is not done.

“On the other hand,” she says, “there is this.” She taps her fingers on the thick file in front of her. “Hundreds upon hundreds of pages describing in detail how you have been painfully stripped of your humanity for decades.”

She takes off her glasses and leans back in her chair. It's visible how tired she is. The judge closes her eyes and keeps them like that for a couple of seconds before opening them again and putting back her glasses.

"Sergeant," she says, using Barnes' rank for the first time. "You are a prisoner of war. And the U.S. army failed you when it assumed you were dead. Twice, if I am not mistaken.” She smiles. "There would be no Captain America if your friend Steve Rogers hadn't decided to ignore orders and go after you." The smile quickly falters from her face. "But not even Captain Rogers could imagine you would survive the second time." For some reason, Foggy is really glad Steve is not here to listen to this. He has the distant impression Cap still blames himself for what happened to Bucky and the judge's words would add a lot of salt to injury. "And I agree with you, you cannot spend another lifetime incarcerated. And you won't."

Foggy’s heartbeat picks up. He looks at Bucky’s hand and it is shaking like a leaf again.

"You are, however, obligated to see a psychiatrist for as long as it takes to eliminate the triggers and any remains of HYDRA's conditioning from your brain," Judge Morales continues. "But other than that – and the monthly reports on your progress – you are, Sergeant Barnes, at long last, a free man."

Bucky’s knees give out on him and he falls back on the chair.

The judge smiles at him. Foggy might be wrong, but her eyes seem suspiciously shiny from where he is standing. Then she looks at him. "I advise you two to start on the process of reinstituting your client's status of a living individual, so that, amongst other things, he can start receiving his back pay."

"Your Honor," Matt calls. "What about the assassinations committed in other countries?" He makes a great point, but Foggy still wants to elbow him from ruining the moment.

The judge doesn’t seem fazed. “Rest assured, counsel. The United States will _not_ fail Sergeant Barnes again.”

“And his arm?” Foggy remembers.

“Returned to him, of course.”

“And what about –” Matt starts.

“Can I go?”

They all turn their attention to Bucky. He is pale as a sheet of paper, and Foggy doesn't think it has sunk in yet, that he is free and his nightmare of seventy years is finally over.

The judge looks at the Attorney General with an eyebrow raised in a silent question, and he answers it with a nod. She looks back at Bucky. “You can, Sergeant.”

Barnes doesn't need to be told twice. He stands up and swivels around. He stops on his way to the door to offer one of the agents who brought him to the court house a tiny smile, which the woman returns with a nod. And then Bucky shoots off. He opens the door and, sure enough, Captain Rogers is standing out there, right in front of the room, waiting for him.

He looks curious and apprehensive for a moment, with a deep frown on his face. And though from where he is Foggy can’t see Barnes’ face, he knows exactly what it’s doing, because Steve’s frown immediately disappears when he sees him, and it’s replaced by a smile so big it almost splits Cap’s face in two. And the next thing Foggy knows Bucky is flinging himself directly into Steve’s arms.

Steve catches him. And Foggy can hear his wet chuckles from where he is.

Foggy looks away when Cap actually starts to spin Bucky around in the middle of the court house.


	14. Chapter 14

Steve has no idea what possesses him, but when he stops spinning Bucky around he leans forward and plants a quick peck on Buck's forehead. Bucky blushes and ducks his head, but he doesn't protest or immediately pushes Steve away. And Steve's heart flutters with the sudden realization that he is in love with the man in front of him.

He doesn't know how it happened or when it did. But somewhere along the first day Bucky stepped between a bully and Steve and the moment seconds ago when he opened the door behind him, the thing that had been right in front of Steve the whole time took shape and he is finally seeing it for what it is.

But Steve doesn't know what to do with this information, and he certainly can't do anything now. So he ignores the rapid beating of his heart and pushes aside the warm feeling inside of him, shifting that energy into something that will be more useful at the moment. "How'd go?"

Steve expects Bucky to simply nod or offer him another kind of nonverbal response since they are far from being alone and it's still hard for him to express himself in front of people. So he is completely caught off guard when Bucky actually speaks to him.

"I'm free." It seems like the words take Bucky's entire strength with them when they leave him, and he brings his hand up to Steve's shoulder to steady himself as his legs threatened to give out on him. It's a good thing Steve's hands never left his waist. "I'm free, Stevie," Bucky repeats. Steve's heart can't ignore the nickname and it skips a beat at hearing it. "I'm f – I'm free."

"Yeah," Steve agrees with him, "you are." He takes a step back, after making sure Bucky can hold himself upright without his help and lets his hands fall back to his sides. He wants Bucky to physically feel that there is nothing holding him anymore. "You're a free man, Buck. You've made it."

Bucky rubs his hand over the stubble on his cheek. “They said I can have my arm back.” He huffs nervously and shakes his head. “God, I’m having a bit of a hard time believing this is real.”

“It is,” Steve quickly assures him. “This is happening. It’s real.”

Bucky lets out a small, breathy laugh and smiles at Steve. "Guess it's gonna take a while to sink in."

Steve shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. You have time.”

Something behind him catches Bucky's eyes and Steve turns to see Foggy and Matt coming out of the room. With Bucky's permission, they explain to Steve the judge's decision and what is going to happen next for Bucky. Therapy will not be optional for him and Steve resigns to the fact that he is going to go back to his if only to show Bucky some support. And to make him see that there is nothing wrong with needing help to get back on your feet.

Steve doesn't think he is going to be able to complete the assignment Doctor Stevenson proposed to him, though. But that can wait. He knows Doc won't be waiting for him to show up anytime soon. She knows he is going to be busy helping Bucky. Hell, she probably knew Steve was in love with him the moment he opened his mouth.

Bucky is still beaming with the news of his freedom when Steve’s eyes return to him, but his demeanor changes the moment Steve suggests they leave the court house. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a – bunch of reporters out there, Steve,” Bucky says. He looks down at his feet. He is not dressed as a prisoner, but Steve thinks his clothes are not the problem here.

“You can use the back entrance,” Agent Thompson says as she approaches them. “Judge’s gonna wait for you to leave until she releases a statement. She wants to avoid the commotion if possible.” She offers Bucky a friendly smile. “I’m gonna go out the front and give ‘em a little show pretending I’m preparing the van for transport. You two leave from where we came from,” she says to Bucky and Steve. Then looks at the lawyers and adds, “You still have work here, right?”

“We can stall,” Foggy says.

“Great. Let’s get moving then, gentleman,” Agent Thompson orders. “I think Sarge wants to be home for dinner.” She grins.

She has been very nice to Bucky ever since they met, and Steve is just about to say something when Bucky himself decides to thank her.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I know your first name,” he says, shooting her one of those charming smiles he used to aim at dames to have them dance with him.

“Camilla,” Agent Thompson answers. She doesn’t blush like some of them used to, but she does look moved that Bucky asked.

Steve feels remissive that he didn’t even think about doing the same thing. But then again, Bucky has always been better at socializing than him at any given day. Even now, that his voice is softer and he has trouble holding someone’s gaze for long, he still makes an effort. Steve is so goddamn proud of him he thinks his heart is going to burst with it, and then everybody is going to see what’s inside.

“Thank you, Camilla,” Bucky says, heartfelt.

She shakes her head. This time Steve thinks he does see the beginning of a blush on her cheeks. “Just doing my job.”

“Well, thanks for that.”

Agent Camilla Thompson leaves them soon after to go and pretend she is about to take Bucky back to prison and that is their cue to leave too. Steve debates for a second if he should tell Bucky about what Tony did. Foggy had told him it would be best not to say anything before the hearing, at the risk of Bucky shutting down even more if he knew he was being spied on in what, by all means, should be his home. But whether he likes it or not, the Tower is the best place for them now, since there is no way of knowing how people will react to the outcome of the hearing. Steve would rather be on the safer side. Not that he is going to keep the monitoring from Bucky, but he _is_ going to wait to tell him when they are already at the Tower. And then convince him to stay if he has to.

“Hey,” he calls and waits for Bucky to look at him. “Wanna go home?”

The word seems to surprise Bucky. He blinks at Steve for a couple of seconds before nodding. "Sure.”

-

Sam is sitting on their couch when Steve and Bucky arrive. Bucky’s energy seems to have been all drained from him, and he has been suppressing his yawns since they left the court house, so he excuses himself – muttering a quiet hello to Sam – and heads straight to his room when they get inside.

“He alright?” Sam asks, jutting his chin towards the corridor leading to the bedrooms.

“Yeah, just tired.” They both watch the corridor for a moment. Steve will never feel comfortable talking about Bucky within hearing distance and not including him in the conversation, so he turns to Sam after a while and asks, “Do you wanna go for a walk?”

Sam shrugs. “Sure,” he says as he gets off the couch.

Steve debates knocking on Bucky’s door to let him know he is going out, but there’s the chance he might already be asleep. There’s also the chance he just heard what Steve said, so he opts for leaving a message on a Post-it glue to the TV telling he is going for a walk with Sam, but that they shouldn’t take long, but if Bucky needs him he has his cell phone.

Sam is nice enough to wait until they actually leave the Tower to prompt Steve into talking. “So,” he drawls, giving Steve the opening to talk about pretty much whatever he wants.

Steve's brain spends a couple of seconds trying to decide between telling Sam about therapy or the trial, his mouth though, chooses a completely different path. "I'm in love with him." Steve doesn't even register the words until they are out and Sam is putting a hand on his chest to stop him on his tracks. His eyes are almost comically wide.

“Whoa, what?”

“I –” Steve starts, a small part of him wants to take it back while he still has time. But most of him actually feels lighter now that he told someone. “I think it’s been a while,” he explains, “but I only realized it a few hours ago.” It was like putting together the last piece of a puzzle and finally getting to see the whole picture. But Steve doesn’t say that to Sam because it sounds cheesy even in his own mind.

“Man,” Sam says, and then he resumes walking. Steve falls into step with him. “I guess I’m happy you’re realizing this now and not in 1940.” He shoots Steve a quick glance. “You do know it’s completely okay and not at all a sin or illegal or any of that shit, right?”

Steve nods. “Yeah, I know, know all about don’t ask don’t tell being repealed, too.” He grins. “I’m all caught up.”

“Good, good. And you know who you are?” Sam asks carefully. “I mean within the letters L and G and B and…” he trails off without finishing and then pauses for a moment before quickly adding, “not that you have to tell me, or that you have to put yourself in a category or anything. You don’t owe anybody shit about that, alright.”

Steve is touched with Sam's concern, but he is pretty sure he knows where he falls here, and if he is not, Sam is right and he doesn't owe people shit. "I'd say I'm bisexual," he reveals. Sam simply nods beside him. "I've never fallen for another fella before, but then again, Peggy was also the first woman to really catch my eye." He shrugs, self-conscious. "I might be a bit slow."

Sam snorts. “You’ve lived with that dude your entire life.” He shakes his head and smirks at Steve. “You’re worse than a turtle.” Steve barks a laugh, not even trying to deny Sam’s words. They cross a street and the smirk slips off Sam’s face. “You’re planning on telling him?”

“I don’t know,” Steve confesses, blowing out a breath. “I have no idea how he would take it. And I don’t wanna put any pressure on him.” Plus, Bucky has always been such a lady’s man Steve is actually scared of his reaction to this. He doesn’t think Bucky is going to punch him in the face, but he is going to feel uncomfortable while he tries to pretend things are okay because he won’t want to hurt Steve’s feelings, and that is much worse than a broken jaw.

“Well, whatever you decide to do, I’m here for you, brother.”

“Thanks.”

Sam must read in his face that Steve is not so keen on keep talking about this, so he changes the subject. “How was it?” Steve knows he is talking about the hearing and he tries his best to summarize what happened and explain the judge’s decision to him. Like Steve, Sam is appalled by the way Bucky’s panic attack was handled, but he actually agrees with the therapy. “Speaking of which –”

Steve sighs. “I went,” he says. “You happy?”

“Very much,” Sam replies honestly. He looks ready to drop it.

“You’re not gonna ask me how’d go?”

“That’s confidential, Rogers.”

Steve doesn’t look at him when he says, “Well, I’m feeling like spilling all the beans today.”

Steve steals a glance at Sam. He looks uncertain. “You sure? You don’t have to, Steve.”

Before he loses his courage Steve sums up his encounter with Doctor Stevenson. He skirts around the part where they discussed what he did with the airplane, but Steve can see Sam understands perfectly well what he isn’t saying. The only thing he doesn’t mention is his assignment.

“Are you going to take a break?” Sam asks, carefully.

Steve is quiet for too long, he knows that, but he really doesn’t know how to answer that. He is just glad Sam is patient enough to wait for him.

They walk by a flower shop that is still open and Steve stops at the front door, remembering he owes Pepper at least half a dozen bouquets. He nods for Sam to follow him inside and ask for a bouquet of white roses. Steve quickly explains to Sam why he is getting them and soon they are leaving the store with a flower arrangement big enough to hide Steve behind it as they make their way back.

By the time they are only a corner away from the Tower, Steve realizes has taken too long to answer Sam's question. "Do you think I should – take some time off I mean?"

Sam shakes his head. “You know I can’t answer that.”

“I guess I could,” Steve ends up saying after another moment of silence. He wants to be done with this conversation before they get to the building. “I could use this time to help Buck if he needs me,” he contemplates aloud. Sam limits to hum something that is neither agreement nor denial. “I mean, it’s not like we have any world saving event scheduled for the upcoming weeks,” Steve tries to joke but his tone is off and it falls flat.

Sam stops him when they reach the Tower’s front steps. “I’m not gonna tell you what to do, I can’t do that. It’s not my place,” he says seriously. “But I _am_ going to say this: the break is not for you to take care of Barnes. It’s to take care of _you_.” Steve opens his mouth, but Sam doesn’t give him the opening. “And don’t even give me that ‘ _I’m fine’_ bullshit, man.” Then he adds softly, “Not after what you told me.”

Steve averts Sam's gaze, too afraid to look at him and see pity in his eyes; afraid that he lost Sam's respect after telling what he did. But after a small pause, he feels a nudge on his shoulder and forces himself to look up. Sam is grinning at him.

“And for the love of God, Rogers,” he says, “do something about your crush while we’re still in this century.”

-

Bucky wakes up to find yet another of Steve's Post-its – this time on his bedroom door – telling him he went for a run with Sam. It's been three weeks since the hearing, and if Bucky had to be honest, he would say Steve has been avoiding him. He did ask Bucky once if he wanted to join the early sessions of self-inflicted torture, which Bucky had to say no to – since he can now, and nobody is going to force him to go running at the ass crack of dawn – but it was only one time. And if Steve Rogers is known for anything, it is his inability to let go when he wants something, which serves to say Steve doesn't really want Bucky's company for running.

It makes Bucky wonder sometimes, if Steve even wants to share an apartment with him anymore, or if maybe, he is just too nice to tell Bucky to get his own space. But no. Bucky shakes his head as he takes the Post-it and puts it together with the others inside the drawer of his nightstand. Steve is not like that, even if he _has_ been acting weird around him lately.

Bucky is in the middle of preparing breakfast – his and Steve's because he will be hungry when he gets back – when Jarvis calls his attention.

_“Good morning, Mr. Barnes.”_

"Morning," Bucky mutters in response. He doesn't know if his uneasiness towards the AI comes from the fact he now knows it was spying on him and Steve before the hearing, or if it's just the reminder that, no matter how human like it sounds – it doesn't even have a body. There's no face for him to imagine when he hears Jarvis speak.

“ _I’m sorry to interrupt_ ,” Jarvis says, “ _but Sir would like to talk to you._ ”

There are so many reasons Bucky doesn't want to see to Stark. But the bottom line is: Bucky killed his parents and Stark – rightfully so – resents him. He is not even holding his breath to get his arm back; since he is pretty sure Stark has it in one of his labs somewhere. Probably put it all apart to see how it works.

But Bucky can’t ignore him forever, though, not while he is living under the guy’s roof. “When?”

“ _Right now._ ” Bucky looks down at the bacon, sizzling in the frying pan in front of him, and lets out a wistful sigh. “ _Or perhaps after you've eaten, Sergeant."_

Bucky fights to suppress a sigh. “Gimme ten.”

He leaves Steve’s breakfast on the counter and asks Jarvis to tell him where Bucky is when he arrives. Bucky’s hunger is completely gone, but he forces down at least half a cup of coffee before he takes the elevator to Stark’s penthouse.

Stark is drinking something green – and disgusting, by the look of it – when Bucky enters his place. It’s the first time he sets foot here and he immediately wants to turn tail and run. Bucky’s only blessing is that this is a living room and not a lab.

"I figured you wouldn't want to go down to the lab," Stark says in way of greeting like he just read Bucky's mind. He puts the green drink down on the coffee table by his feet. "Come over," he says with a wide gesture. "I don't bite, and I really hope you don't either." He stops to contemplate the idea. Bucky wants to get out of here. "You don't, do you?"

He is actually, seriously asking that. Bucky feels heat on his cheeks. “I’m not an animal,” he mutters, looking down at his feet.

“Hey,” Stark calls, but Bucky doesn’t look up. “I’m joking. Shit. I – Shit. Could you sit down – please? I’ll try not to be an asshole for the next five minutes.”

Bucky approaches gingerly until he reaches the sofa. He sits on the edge of it.

“You fucked up the wiring when you took the arm off,” Stark says. And it feels like they are in the middle of a conversation that actually started inside Stark’s head. “You really should have let me do it.”

Bucky really doesn’t want to discuss this. Taking off the arm himself awoke a lot of unpleasant memories he would rather not have back. But the reality is that he had been afraid that, if anyone got too close to him with tools, he would lose it and end up killing the person before they could touch him. He had been so fucking unstable; he can’t believe Steve actually fell asleep next to him sometimes.

He thinks he is better now. So maybe it’s time to address the elephant in the room. Bucky swallows hard and forces himself to look Stark in the eyes. “I remember them.” Stark is not an idiot, he knows exactly what Bucky is talking about, and he blanches immediately. He locks his jaw shut and presses his lips into a thin line, but his eyes don’t leave Bucky’s. “I know this doesn’t mean anything to you but I am so – so sorry.” Bucky wets his lips; his throat is suddenly too dry. “I’m sorry,” he repeats.

“Did you remember him,” Stark asks, low and angry. “Did you know who he was when you bashed his face in?” Bucky shakes his head. He is so heavy with guilt Stark’s words take a moment to register. Then Bucky’s eyes widen and he glances at him. How does Stark know that? “Yeah,” Starks drawls as he picks up a remote control and turns on the television in front of them. “I found a little HYDRA homemade video.”

He presses play. And Bucky can’t do anything but watch in silent horror as he murders both of Tony Stark’s parents on the screen. Howard. Bucky’s eyes water. Howard called his name. He called his name and Bucky sees himself hesitating – his arm drops for a second – but the woman’s voice breaks the spell of whatever was going on in his head and he brings his arm up again, and this time he doesn’t stop until Howard drops dead by his feet.

The screen goes black after Stark’s mother dies.

“And you had no idea who he was,” Stark repeats. It’s clear by his tone he doesn’t believe Bucky.

“I – I don’t know,” Bucky mutters. He has no idea what happened. He remembers all his killings because he had to report on them, but aside from his methods and a confirmation of death, he has no idea about the specifics. The fact that he doesn’t remember a single plea is somehow worse to him than if he had any memory of people begging for their lives. It makes Bucky feel less human to know that.

Stark moves and Bucky instinctively flinches, but Stark is only aiming the remote at the TV to shut it off. He scoffs. “Oh, don’t worry. I know that killing you is the same as signing a death sentence. And I have no desire to be decapitated by a fucking shield.”

The lump in Bucky's throat is making it hard for him to breathe. He casts his eyes down; he doesn't have the strength to keep looking at Stark's face.

Stark lets out a scornful laugh. "I hate myself more than I hate you," he says. "Because guess what?" He stands up. There's something in his hand but Bucky doesn't have the guts to raise his eyes to see what it is. If it's a gun, he'll stand his ground. Steve will be disappointed but he deserves this. "You're a fucking victim and, as much as I want to, I can't hate you for that." He drops something on Bucky's lap. A red notebook.

Bucky is suddenly paralyzed with fear. He can’t tear his eyes from the black star in the middle of the cover. He wants to fling the notebook away from him, but he is too scared to move, to look away from it. “Please,” he manages to let out in a shaky breath. He would rather Stark had just put a bullet in him. “Please – don’t.”

He doesn’t want to go back to that. He doesn’t want to forget everything he just got back. He doesn’t want to forget Steve. His smile when Bucky cooks for him. His eagerness when Bucky tells him about another memory he recovered. The small kiss he planted on Bucky’s forehead when the judge set him free. He doesn’t want to be erased and go back to the blank slate that doesn’t recognize Steve’s face.

“What?”

Bucky forces his eyes to look up at Stark but keeps his head low so that his hair is still covering most of his face like a barrier between Stark and him. "Kill me – if you want – but don't –" He swallows down the bile that rushes up to his throat; he needs to be able to say this. "Please don't do this," Bucky begs.

He wishes he had been awake when Steve left. He wished he had said goodbye to him.

Stark shakes his head. He looks confused. “The fuck you’re talking about?” Bucky nods at the notebook. “What? Oh – you think I’m gonna use – Jesus, no! I’m not – I’m not gonna use that on you!”

A door opens and closed somewhere in the apartment. Bucky can hear the clicking sound of someone in high heels approaching but he doesn’t dare move from his hunched position on the sofa.

"Tony? What's going on?" It's Ms. Potts. She was nice to him before. Bucky wonders if she will stop Stark if he starts to recite the words because he cannot believe Stark won't use them on him. Why would he have the notebook if he didn't plan on using it?

“I gave him the notebook,” Stark explains, “and he just freaked out.”

"You showed him the thing that was used to control him for several decades?" She sounds pissed. "Are you out of your mind?" The clicking comes closer and suddenly Bucky can see her shoes when she stops in front of him. She kneels down to look at him. "Barnes?" Her hand hovers over his arm but she doesn't touch him. "It's okay," she says, offering him a reassuring smile. Her other hand comes forward and stops close to his knees. "Do you want me to take that away?" She asks, glancing at the notebook and then back at him. Bucky nods. He lets out a breath he hadn't known he was holding when Ms. Potts reaches for the journal and takes it from his lap. She hands it to Stark, but her eyes are still on Bucky. "Put it back in the safe," she says to Stark. Then to Bucky, after Stark leaves, "Are you okay?" Bucky nods again, even though he feels far from it. "Do you want me to go get Steve?"

Bucky’s heart beats faster at the mention of Steve, but he shakes his head. “He’s not home,” he explains.

Ms. Potts sighs. Her knees must be tired, because she stands up and sits on the sofa, making sure to put some distance between them. Bucky is not sure if it’s for her sake or his, but he is relieved either way.

“You know,” she starts, “Tony acts like a huge ass most of the time, but he is a really good man.” She pauses, perhaps waiting for him to say something, but Bucky keeps his mouth shut and his eyes down. She continues. “It was hard for him, to discover what happened, and honestly, at first the only reason he decided to help you was out of respect to Steve. But he was curious and when he started to dig in into what happened to you.” Ms. Potts huffs unhappily. “He understood. He might pretend he doesn’t, but he understands. He found some – footage. And then he found the notebook. He knows you couldn’t have prevented what happened to Howard and Maria. He is conflicted, but he’s a good man and he is trying to do the right thing, even if it was misguided of him to show it to you like this.”

"I'm sorry," Bucky says because he knows she is expecting him to say something, but he has no idea what.

“So am I,” Stark says. Bucky hadn’t noticed he was back and he looks up in surprise. “It’s all fucked up.” Bucky nods in agreement. They stare at each other for a moment, and Bucky thinks they just reached some sort of common ground. “I’ll help with the arm if you want me to,” Stark says, breaking the silence. “And we’ll give that to your shrink to see what they can do about the triggers.”

Bucky feels nauseated at the notion someone is going to have access to the thing that can control him, but he knows this is the only way he can get rid of the triggers so he accepts it. He knows Stark's people are still screening for a professional to treat him. There aren't a lot of people that specialize in the kind of trauma he went through.

Everything is quiet until Jarvis breaks the silence to announce Steve is coming up.

-

Steve’s hair is still damp from the shower when he enters Tony’s penthouse. Bucky, Tony, and Pepper are in the living room. The tension between them is enough to make Steve himself tense up. It doesn’t help that Bucky is looking like he did when Steve had still been in the hospital.

“What did you do?”

“Right, because everything is instantly my fault,” Tony says. Although he seems more like he is trying to cover the fact that he is hurt by Steve’s accusation.

“Tony,” Pepper admonishes, but then she turns to Steve. “He is just trying to help.”

Steve is about to ask her what she is talking about, but in that moment Bucky stands up and rounds the sofa. He stops in front of Steve and brings his hand up to Steve’s elbow. “Let’s just go home,” he mutters. Steve wants very much to stay and get to the bottom of this, but Bucky’s eyes are pleading with him to drop it and Steve can’t say no to him.

“Alright,” he agrees. Bucky’s hand slides down his arm and – action on an impulse – Steve catches it in his before Bucky can drop it. Bucky looks from their hands to Steve’s face but doesn’t say anything and doesn’t pull away.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Pepper says when Steve is about to swivel around to leave. “We’ve narrowed down to three candidates,” she looks at Bucky as she tells them. “You can choose the one you feel most comfortable with.”

"Thanks," Bucky replies softly. He is getting better at talking to people, though his voice is always low and quiet now.

"The arm," Tony calls, "whenever you're ready."  But to him, Bucky just nods.

They take the elevator back to their floor and Steve waits until they are inside the apartment to talk to Bucky.

“What happened?” He asks after Bucky joins him on the sofa.

“Do you remember what I told you about the triggers?” Bucky sniffs and Steve looks away to give him some privacy as he presses his knuckle to the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, what about them?”

“Stark found them,” Bucky tells him, nervously rubbing his hand on his thigh. “I thought he was gonna use ‘em against me,” he confesses.

Steve might disagree with Tony in a lot of things but he knows Tony is one of the good ones. “He wouldn’t do that, Buck,” Steve says. Tony might have even wanted to murder Bucky at some point, but Steve is certain he would never resort to that.

Bucky seems to relax a little at that. His body loses some of the tension as he slumps further down on the sofa, and his head practically resting on Steve’s shoulder. “Fuck, Steve,” he sighs, closing his eyes. “I almost pissed myself.” Bucky is quiet for about a minute before he opens his eyes again and looks up at Steve. “He’s got a video of me killing his folks.”

“Jesus, Buck. Where did he find that?”

Bucky shakes his head. “No idea.” He hesitates for a moment, worrying at his bottom lip, then he adds, “It looked like I remembered him.” Bucky moves on the sofa until he is sitting again, this time cross-legged, in front of Steve. Steve immediately misses his warmth. “There was a moment there, Steve – I paused – I stopped, I almost –” He shakes his head again, he looks desolated and it breaks Steve’s heart. “I don’t remember,” he mumbles.

“Buck, don’t.” Again, Steve reaches forward without thinking and takes Bucky’s hand. “I won’t tell you what to think, but please – This, this is only going to hurt you.” _You can’t change the past, you can only move forward,_ says a voice inside Steve’s head, and it sounds a lot like Doctor Stevenson. He doesn’t say that to Bucky, though, because he is realizing the meaning of those words himself.

Steve almost blurts out the question – _do you blame me for what happened to you?_ – but this moment is not about him, so he retreats into himself. He is just starting to pull his hand away when Bucky's tightens his hold on him. 

“Steve,” he begins, watching their joined hands in lieu of looking up at Steve, “d’ya want me to go?”

Steve’s response is immediate. “What? No, Buck! Of course not.” Bucky glances up at him then, from behind his lashes and a curtain of hair. He looks like he doesn’t really believe Steve. “I don’t want you to go anywhere,” he says hurriedly. Then he thinks about it. “But – if _you_ want to –” Perhaps this is Bucky trying to tell him he doesn’t want to be here, with Steve, anymore.  “Do you wanna move out, Buck?” He asks and braces himself for it.

So he can’t really contain the sigh of relief that escapes him when Bucky shakes his head. “I don’t want that,” Bucky says. “But – you’ve been avoiding me, Steve.”

The _why_ is implied, and it hangs over Steve’s head because it’s true, because he can barely stand the guilt he feels over everything that was done to Bucky. And, atop of that, because Steve has just realized just how much – just in what way – he loves him.

As luck would have it, Steve is saved from having to say anything at all when Jarvis excuses himself as he interrupts them. “ _I beg your pardon, sirs. But an attack is taking place right this moment and the Avengers have been called to assemble_.”

"What's going on?" Steve is already up when he asks. His psychiatrist's words rang in his head but there isn't a lot of time to weigh his options, right now, not when the threat is imminent.

“ _A group of humans is robbing a bank using stolen alien technology left from the battle of New York,”_ Jarvis explains.

Steve pauses on his way to the bedroom to change and looks back at Bucky. He wasn't forbidden from fighting, but Steve is pretty sure – given the option – Bucky would rather not pick up arms again. He certainly shouldn't be doing any fighting now, not when he has just started in his path through recovery. But he _is_ free to choose, and Steve has to give him that. He shoots Bucky and expectant look and Bucky immediately understands what it means.

He shakes his head. “You go,” Bucky says. Steve waits, knowing he isn’t done. “I can’t do that anymore.” If he remembers as much as Steve thinks he does, Steve knows that it must have been hard for Bucky to say that. Bucky has been watching Steve’s six for most of their lives. It used to be second nature for the both of them.

But Steve doesn’t hold any grudges. He wants Bucky to be safe more than anything. So he gives Bucky a reassuring smile before turning around to go and get ready in his bedroom.


	15. Chapter 15

Jarvis must sense Bucky’s anxiety. Heck, the people walking on the sidewalk several stories down must be getting a feel of it as they pass by the Tower. Bucky can’t keep still. He can’t even concentrate enough to follow a recipe or the plot of the first Harry Potter book he downloaded a few days ago. And when cooking and reading, the two things he likes doing – and relax him – the most can’t help, Bucky feels pretty hopeless about anything else calming him down. There is something just _wrong_ about not being out there watching Steve’s six.

So it’s a relief when Jarvis’s voice brings Bucky out of his own head with an offer. “ _If I may, Mr. Barnes?”_ Bucky grunts an affirmation and Jarvis goes on. “ _Mr. Banner is also in the Tower. I took the liberty of asking him and he says he will enjoy the company if you want to join him. He is at the communal floor._ ”

Bucky gets in the elevator a few minutes later, not even bothering to ask for directions as to where the communal floor is,  and just waiting until the AI delivers him to the right place. It almost makes him feel like he is being taken to a mission, but Bucky shakes it off before it becomes a problem.

He finds Banner eating a sandwich on the counter that separates the kitchen from the living room. The communal floor, Bucky realizes, is a recreation area, which is probably used for Stark's private parties, unrelated to the company, since it's in between the residential floors. As Bucky approaches him, Banner's sandwich becomes more and more appealing and he realizes he hasn't eaten today.

Banner notices Bucky’s lingering gaze on his food and offers to make him one. Bucky nods. Banner works in silence and – in just a couple of minutes – Bucky has his own delicious looking lunch in front of him.

"Thanks," Bucky mumbles as the plate is set on the counter. He is looking at his food but he can _feel_ Banner’s stare boring into him. Bucky looks up.

“You’re talking,” Banner points out. Then he blushes and looks away, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, that was unnecessary.”

Since the last time they met Banner had to hold the entire conversation, Bucky can’t really fault him for being surprised. “No problem,” he says, making sure to keep eye contact as he does.

Bruce nods, but it seems to be more to himself than Bucky, and they eat in companionable silence. Bucky thinks of Steve as he munches on his sandwich. The last time Bucky had been with Banner he had planned on shifting his energy into helping Steve. And now Bucky guiltily realizes he hasn’t done a thing yet.

Perhaps Banner can help him with that. Bucky glances at him a few too many times as they eat, trying to find a way to approach the subject, but Banner gets a different message. “You’re wondering why I’m here, and not helping the team,” he says. It’s not a question. “Well, sometimes a big ball of rage is not the best thing when trying to solve a problem. The, uh, Other Guy would’ve wrecked more stuff than necessary.” He waves his hand. “Then Tony would pay for everything and I’d be left feeling like crap. All in all, it’s best to sit some missions out.”

“‘M sorry.”

Banner sighs, his shoulders sagging a little. “Thanks,” he says with a small grin. Bucky is pretty sure he gets Banner’s relief. He was afraid Bucky was judging him for staying behind.

In a silent, mutual agreement, they move to the sofa in the living room. Banner turns on the television – apparently, all of them are huge in the future, or maybe it's just in the Tower – but he smartly steers away from news channels and ends up settling on a documentary about penguins. It looks adorable, Bucky can't deny it.

He is engrossed by the baby penguin giving its first steps on the screen for some time. Then Bucky remembers he wanted to talk to Banner about something. “How’s Steve?”

Banner chuckles, his brows furrowing a little as he asks, “Shouldn’t _I_ be asking you that?”

“No, I mean – how is he with you all, with your team? How was he like before I showed up again?”

Banner spends a few seconds gathering his thoughts before he answers. “Well,” he drawls, “he seemed a bit sad, actually. Kind of lost. But we’ve always thought it was due to the whole waking up in another century thing.”

Bucky considers it. _God_. It must have been scary. It made sense that he tried to hide it. Steve has always been too proud for his own good. Bucky sighs. He has always been afraid Steve would die on him one way or the other, and sometimes Bucky lay awake at night thinking that the heartbreak of losing Steve would kill him too. But he never stopped to consider how things would be if it was the other way around.

Christ.

And Bucky promised Sarah Rogers he would take care of Steve. She is probably resenting him from heaven for leaving her son alone, to fend for himself in the future, which reminds Bucky… “Hey, how did Steve turn up in the future?”

Banner's eyebrows shoot up. "You don't know." It's not a question, but Bucky shakes his head nonetheless. "He put an airplane in the Arctic to prevent the bombs in it to reach the country."

“You’re saying –” Bucky starts slowly as he tries to make sense of what Banner told him. “Steve sank a plane?” Bucky frowns. “He tried to kill himself?”

“I don’t think that’s what he was trying to do,” Banner counters. “But he did go down with the plane. His body was frozen, but the serum kept him alive”

Bucky’s stomach feels ice cold. “When?”

“He was found a few years ago.”

Bucky blinks at Banner in confusion. “No, I mean, when did the plane go down?”

“1945,” Banner says, “In May, I think?”

May? That’s not even a month after Bucky fell. The ice in his stomach spreads throughout his entire body in a matter of seconds. He left Steve alone for about a week or two and he died.

Bucky needs to talk to Steve right now.

“Hey,” Bruce calls, concern and apprehension written all over his face. “are you okay?”

“No, I’m not,” Bucky answers honestly. None of this is even remotely okay, and he needs to get ahold of Rogers right this second.

Silence falls between them. Bucky is grateful Banner is aware enough to know there is nothing he can do for Bucky now. The penguin documentary has already ended or is on commercial when Bucky looks back at the television. He stands up, feeling like he has to do _something_ , though he has no idea what. “Do you know where they are?”

“Yeah, they’re –”

“ _They are back,_ " Jarvis and Bruce speak at the same time. Bucky's heart quickens. Even if they fight was already over, it's not like  Steve to leave without offering to help with civilians and cleanup. Bucky remembers dragging him away from bombing sights well enough. It's too early for Steve to be back.  " _The team is in the infirmary_ ," Jarvis' voices Bucky's fear.

He gets away from Banner as fast as he can. The last thing Bucky needs is for his distress to cause Banner to lose control and tear through the building while he is trying to get to Steve. With Jarvis guiding him, Bucky takes the staircase three sets down to the medical floor. He would have had freaked out stuck in an elevator, so it's a good thing he can run literally to Steve.

Bucky’s brain is going through all sorts of scenarios by the time he spots Natalia. She has a bruise on her left cheek but otherwise seems unharmed. The guy next to her has a broken nose. They both stand up when they see him and talk at the same time.

“He’s alive, James.”

" –ey, ‘m int." They guy has an actual hand stretched towards him, which Bucky shakes it awkwardly because, besides the weirdness of the situation, Clint Barton offered him his left hand.

But Bucky has more pressing concerns at the moment. He licks his lips and looks at Natalia for an explanation. "He got hit in the ribs and one of them must have perforated his lung." She reaches forward and puts a hand on his arm. "He's is alright, though. He walked in here."

She explains the rest to him – probably in an effort to distract him while he waits for news on Steve – of how he actually tried to dodge this one but it was too close. It's a relief to know that at least once Rogers didn't jump in front of a bullet like the self-sacrificing idiot he is. Natalia also informs Stark is still on site, trying to understand how the alien tech was stolen – probably from the SHIELD wreckage – but by then Bucky is only half listening.

Barton is taken to a room to have his nose checked sometime between Natalia's reports, but he is back before any news of Steve comes their way. When Bucky asks her where Wilson is, she tells him he drew the short stick and got stuck with writing the report. He chose to take care of it while things are still fresh and asked to be kept informed about Steve. Wilson, as it seems, is a full-time Avenger now.

All in all, it’s a couple of hours before Bucky gets an update on Steve. By the time the doctors come to talk to them, Bucky doesn’t even freak out over all the lab coats around him, his biggest concern being Steve. Things are also calm enough that Banner joined them in the waiting room.

Bucky looks around. It used to be just him in this position, waiting for news on Steve and his goddamn lungs. He can't remember if he used to pray or not but he is pretty sure he must have exchanged some words with God in hospital chapels, what with how often he remembers being in them. Now though, Steve's got a lot more people looking up for him. They are all waiting with Bucky, even Stark and Wilson are back by now. They all care about Stevie. Bucky is grateful, he is, but there is still that pang in his chest over the thought that Steve doesn't need him anymore.

One of the lab coats is the doctor that took care of Steve in DC, Bucky realizes when they approach. She smiles at them, no, she smiles at _him_ , directly.

"Captain Rogers is out of surgery," she tells Bucky. He nods and stands up to get the rest of the update. "He is stable. Right now it's just a matter of letting the serum do its job and finish repairing his lung. Bones are a little more troublesome and his ribs will still take a few days to mend. Hm. Before the anesthesia he told us you're his next of kin and should be informed of his condition, he also said he wanted to see you as soon as he wakes up." She looks apprehensive for a moment before she tells him, "Mr. Barnes, you're his closest friend, right?"

“Yeah,” Bucky says, frowning at her and scared of what she is about to say.

“Could I talk to you in private?”

Bucky avoids the Avengers’ prying eyes as he follows the doctor to an empty corridor.

The doctor crosses her arms but then seems to think better of it and uncrosses them, letting them fall back to her sides. “Well, this is not really my place,” she starts, “but – you see – the serum is a wonderful enhancement, it’s an amazing work, really.” _And dangerous as hell, lady_ , Bucky wants to say, but instead, he waits for the doctor to put her thoughts in order. “But in the end,” she says at last, “Captain Rogers is still human.”

“Wh- what are you saying?”

"Well," she hesitates, but it's only for a second, and then she fixes her posture and goes full on medical professional. "This is the second time Captain Rogers is undergoing surgery in three months. Think – think of the body as a rubber," she says, pulling her hands apart as if she were stretching something. "The Captain's especially has an amazing ability to snap back into place." She lets go of the invisible rubber. "But it's still rubber, and if he doesn't give it enough time to – I'm going off my metaphor here – to heal… there will come a time when it's not going to go back to how it was. What I am saying, Mr. Barnes is –"

“That he needs to stop,” Bucky completes for her.

She nods. “Or at the very least take a break.”

“Thanks,” Bucky says. “I’ll talk to him, doctor –”

“Green,” she supplies.

Bucky offers his hand. “Doctor Green. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll send a nurse to get you once he wakes up.”

Barton managed to fall asleep over Natalia’s shoulder during the five minutes Bucky had been gone with Doctor Green. Natalia shakes him away when Bucky sits back down next to her.

“Yo, man, what was that about?” Barton asks as he rubs the sleep out of his face, letting out a muffled yawn as he does it.

They are all waiting for him to say something, Bucky notices. However, this is too personal and he can't tell them anything. He shakes his head. "Ask Rogers later," he mutters. Bucky is certainly going to do just that once Steve wakes up. He has to be very careful with what he says too because telling Steve Rogers he cannot do something has the tendency of having the opposite of the desired effect.

“Is he going to die?” Stark asks. “Because you know, these people work for me,” he says, gesturing his finger at no one in particular, “they are obligated to tell me things.”

“No, they’re not,” Natalia counters. “And anyway, the doctor already said Steve will be fine.” She arches an eyebrow at Bucky and he nods. “So it’s gotta be personal.” Then she pointedly looks at Stark. “Which means we _leave_ it.”

Stark scoffs and rolls his eyes but he doesn't protest. "What about you, Buckaroo?" It feels like an instant headache when Stark's eyes fall on him. "When can I install the arm?" All of his friends wince at his words but Stark seems unfazed. "You know what I mean," he tells them.

Bucky makes a decision then. “Maybe after,” he says to Stark. “After, they uh, fix my head,” he finishes quietly.

“You don’t have to wait,” Sam tells him. “It’s your arm, you don’t have to earn it.”

Bucky doesn’t have an answer to that so he doesn’t say anything. And thankfully, they drop the subject. Banner and Barton leave to get them all sandwiches at some point, and Bucky is bullied by Wilson and Romanova to eat his. By the time he is done chewing the last bite a nurse comes to get him to finally go see Steve.

“Hey, Bucky,” Steve greets him with a wide grin.

The nurse checking his vitals giggles. “His body was burning the anesthesia too fast, the doctor had to high up the dosage,” the man explains.

“He’s high,” Bucky concludes.

The nurse nods, still looking amused. “As a kite,” he confirms. “But it should pass soon.” He finishes his checking then turns to leave them alone. “Press that if you need anything,” he tells both of them, pointing at a bottom by Steve’s bed.

“Hi, Bucky,” Steve repeats when the door closes behind Bucky. He studies Bucky’s face intensively for a couple of seconds before giving his verdict. “I like you, Buck.”

Bucky snorts and drags a chair so that he can sit by the bed on Steve’s uninjured side. “Glad to hear it, pal,” he says as he takes a seat.

“No,” Steve actually whines. This is beautiful, Bucky should be filming this. “I mean it. I like you.” He pouts. “A lot.”

Steve looks like an overgrown puppy and it’s adorable. Bucky smiles at him. “I like you too, bud.”

It doesn’t seem like that is what Steve wants to hear, though. And he deflates a little, the grin slipping off his face. “‘S not the same.”

Bucky has no idea what Steve is talking about but he doesn't like the sad frown wrinkling Steve's forehead so he reaches forward to smooth it out. He only realizes what he is doing when his hand is already touching Steve's face. Steve is looking at him with wide eyes and freezes. What is he doing?  He starts to pull his hand away but Steve suddenly brings a hand up to his wrist, holding Bucky in place.

Bucky's pulse quickens under Steve's thumb. Steve's eyes are so blue, they are a little red-rimmed and his pupils are still dilated from the drugs he was given, but they are still beautiful. _Steve_ is beautiful.

Bucky pulls his hand away.

What the hell?

Steve shoots him a confused, hurt look, but Bucky can't meet his eyes. He feels like he can barely breathe, but this is nothing like the panic attacks from fear. This is the realization of – Bucky shakes his head. He doesn't understand.

Except he does.

He knows exactly what is going on. He just didn’t have a name for it until now. But it’s not the time and Bucky shakes himself out of it. He sits back down on the chair. “Sorry,” he says, plastering a forced smile on his face. “I was afraid to catch ugly.”

Steve scrunches his nose. “‘S already all over you, jerk.”

“Punk.” Bucky’s smile is real now.

“Buck,” Steve calls quietly.

“Yeah?”

“‘M sorry.” Steve looks about ready to start crying. Bucky frowns.

“Why?”

Whatever they gave Steve must be wearing off because he winces when he shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. Bucky knows he is lying but he doesn’t press. He is carrying something pretty big inside himself. “Should’ve been a better friend.”

“Come on, Steve,” Bucky immediately protests. “You’re the best, you know that.” Steve doesn’t look convinced. “Look at me, pal. Come on.” Bucky waits until he does it to continue. “You’re my best friend. You ain’t perfect, but hey, neither am I. But you’re the best guy I know and I lo – I’m here for you.” Bucky takes Steve’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “You’re important to me, Stevie. Don’t you ever forget,” he chuckles, “or let _me_ forget that.”

Steve sighs and closes his eyes. He is going to fall asleep again in a couple of seconds. “Love you, Buck,” he mumbles, and then he is out.

Bucky’s heart is so loud he leaves the room, afraid to disturb Steve’s rest.

-

It’s a week and a half before Steve is released from the medical floor. He bitches and moans the whole time just like he did back in DC. Barnes brings him a sketchbook and Steve spends two days drawing Sam’s baby nice for him – it’s beautiful and Sam sends a picture to his family – then he draws the Avengers, and then Barnes. God, he draws Barnes a lot. Sam is pretty sure Steve’s crush is obvious to all of them but Bucky himself, who seems to be as oblivious as Steve.

When Steve is finally discharged Barnes actually forces him to use a wheelchair to get to the elevator. Although, judging by the smirk on his face, Sam is almost certain he is only doing it to mess with Steve.

Steve is still cranky from being cooped up and mothered by Barnes for so long, so Sam doesn't stick around for too long after he helps Cap get settled. He is back on his own floor, organizing his appointment book, when Jarvis tells him Barnes is coming over.

Sam waits for him by the door.

“Hey, man,” he says as Barnes steps out of the elevator.

“Wilson, can I talk to you.”

Sam smiles at him as he steps aside to let Barnes in. He is glad Barnes is making progress. So much so that he is actually starting a conversation with a person not called Steve. "Sure,” he says, closing the door and leading Bucky towards the living room. “You can start by calling me Sam."

"Alright, Sam," Bucky concedes. He looks worried, and for a moment Sam wonders if something bad happened to Steve, but that's probably not what this is about. If something had happened to Steve Barnes wouldn't be this calm. “I can trust you, right?”

“Course." Sam flops down on the sofa. Barnes takes a careful seat on the edge of it. Sam narrows his eyes at him. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Barnes agrees, too quickly. "I wanna know something,” he reveals, shifting on the sofa. He can’t seem to find a comfortable position, but then again, half his ass is not actually touching the couch. “But I really don't want to get arrested and I can’t look it up on the internet cos Jarvis is everywhere and Stark would know.”

Sam sympathizes with Barnes, he does. But he is really hoping the guy is not about to confess a crime. "And you can’t ask Steve?”

Barnes shakes his head. “God, no.”  What could be so bad that Barnes cannot confine in Steve? _In Steve._

“Well, If you want privacy we should probably have this conversation somewhere else,” Sam suggests. He stands up and tries to remember something. When he can’t, he asks, “Hey, have you been out of the Tower yet?”

“Not really,” Barnes confesses.

"Would you like to?" Sam is not going to press him if Barnes doesn't feel ready. But he also doesn't think being cooped up here all the time is healthy. "You know you're free to go wherever you want," Sam reassures.

“I know, I just – what if someone recognizes me?”

“That’s not a problem. And if anyone bothers you, you call the cops.”

Bucky considers it for a moment. Then he nods. “Yeah, okay, let’s go.”

Sam offers him a cap and a jacket, tying the left sleeve in a knot. Dressed like that, plus the missing arm, Barnes looks like any other beat down vet forgotten by the system. That reminds Sam of something. "Hey, whenever you wanna go to a VA meeting, you're welcome to," he says once they exit the elevator. It's passed business hours and the lobby is fairly empty, which is probably for the best. Barnes is already tensing up beside him and they haven't even left the building yet. His body language screams _not ready to reenter society_.

“When?” Bucky asks and it’s such a curveball it throws Sam completely off his axis.

He actually has to stop to replay the question is his head. “Uh, Thursdays and Fridays?” Sam shakes his head. “Yeah, that’s – that’s the right schedule. In the evenings,” he tells Barnes as they keep walking.

Barnes puts his hand in the pocket of the jacket. He doesn't quite look Sam in the eyes when he asks, "Do you think Steve would go if I go?" Oh, so that's what this is about! Sam should have known. These two are the poster boys of co-dependence. He doesn't have an answer, though. So he shrugs. "Gimme the address, I'll talk to him."

“Man,” Sam huffs, “You two were made for each other,” he says it under his breath, but Barnes catches it.

His brow furrows. “What’d you mean by that?”

Damn it. Sam pays some extra attention to the street as he crosses it, taking his sweet ass time checking both sides. He even glances up for falling planes. No such luck. He does his best impression of nonchalant when he finally answers, “Nothing, just that you two are very alike. Anyway, what did _you_ wanna talk to me about that’s so serious you could go to jail. You didn’t murder anyone, right?”

Bucky looks very offended as he shakes his head. “You sound like Stark.”

“Sorry, man, just making sure.”

“You know what,” Barnes says, suddenly angry, even though he doesn’t raise his voice. “You all have to stop this. It’s fucking exhausting to have to keep proving myself to you. Unless you compel me, I’m not gonna snap and go on a killing spree. And pretty soon I’ll get this shit outta my head. Then nobody’ll ever control me again and. I. Won’t. Kill. People.” He shakes his head and adds softly, “Not anymore.”

Sam doesn’t say it to him, but he is glad Barnes has reached the point he is starting to fight for himself. If he keeps up like that, he might get better than Steve is doing right now. Barnes already seems to have more self-preservation than Cap. “You’re right,” Sam tells him. “I apologize,” he says with a hand over his heart. “Now quit stalling and spill.”

"Alright, first of all, promise this stays between us," Bucky says, looking like he is about to go and face a lion. "It's nothing bad," he assures Sam. "I didn't do anything to anybody." Sam nods, keeping his mouth shut as he waits for the rest. "I've been – feeling something." That's not very clarifying. Is he sick? Is his serum malfunctioning? Sam needs more information but Barnes stops him before he can ask. "Let me finish. I –" He wets his lips. "I'm feeling something for Steve," Barnes finally reveals.

Sam is really happy for him and Steve, he is. But that’s not the first thing to pass his mind. _Oh, for fuck’s sakes!_ He thinks. Why is the universe doing this to Sam? Why do they choose to tell these things to _him_ instead of each other? And then demand his silence. It’s not fair at all.

He so busy reevaluating all of the life choices that lead him to this moment, that it takes Sam a while to notice Barnes has put some space between them. And that he is on the verge of tears. Shit. "I'm assuming you and Steve didn't spend a lotta time talking about the future, did you? Like, everything that's changed since you two were around?"

“Not really,” Barnes admits, still looking skittish.

“Okay, first of all –” Sam scratches at his forehead. “You are _not_ gonna get arrested.”

Barnes' eyebrows almost disappear into his hairline. He gapes at Sam for a moment and then runs his hand over the stubble on his cheek. "It's not a crime anymore?"

“Nope,” Sam confirms with a grin. Barnes halts and just stares at nothing. “Hey, you okay?”

“I –” he starts, but apparently he doesn’t have anything with which to follow that. He just blinks.

"Man, you're kinda scaring me now," Sam tells him and Bucky visibly shakes himself out of whatever is going on in his head. Sam thinks he can understand, or at least imagine, what it's going on up there. Barnes was probably ready to stomp down his feeling and suffer silently if he had to because he wouldn't do anything that could hurt Steve. And now Sam just gave him a free pass to freely express himself.

Barnes huffs out a breathy laugh, breaking the silence between them and taking Sam from his own head. “If I – if I kissed you now and someone saw it –”

“Now, there are still homophobes, but, we wouldn’t be arrested for public indecency, no.”

Bucky nods, but it seems like it’s more to himself than Sam. “That’s… good to know.” He smiles, looking down at his feet before shooting Sam a timid grin. “Thanks.”

"Nah, man," Sam says as he waves his hand. The fact that Barnes is more relieved that he can kiss boys to his heart's desire than he is freaked about realizing his sexuality is not lost on Sam. He would have thought a guy from the forties would be having a meltdown at finding out he isn't straight. Barnes' fear was to get _caught_ doing something. Sam doesn’t say any of that to him though. Barnes can figure himself out on his own time. “I didn’t do anything. You could have googled that.” Barnes just shrugs. “Hey,” Sam calls and waits for him to look up, “talk to Steve.”

Barnes doesn't give him a reply, but when Sam looks at him he can't see a slight flush on his cheeks. He is thinking about it, Sam is sure of it so he doesn't press Barnes for an answer. They'll be okay, he and Steve. They will alright. Sam's glad.

-

It has been a while since they shared a quiet morning. Steve’s lung and ribs are completely healed by now, but he knows Bucky will talk his ears off if Steve goes running. So Steve decides to use the downtime to do some sketching of nothing in particular, which is to say he is drawing Bucky, who is reading on the sofa beside him. They have the rest of the day free until the evening when there's a movie night – according to Clint – at the communal floor.

It's nice, to spend time with Bucky like they used to do before the War, with no need to fill in the silence because they are both engrossed in what they are doing, but still appreciating each other's company. It's nice and Steve has missed it. That's probably why he ruins it. "Therapy is not that bad, you know," he comments, not taking his eyes from the Bucky on paper in front of him.

The flesh and bones Bucky doesn’t look up from his tablet either when he says, "I know. Actually, I already chose my shrink." Steve's surprise must show on his face. From the corner of his eye, he sees Bucky's head turning to face him.  "What?"

"Nothing,” Steve replies, glancing at him, too. “I just thought you'd need more convincing."

Bucky snorts "I'm not _you_ , Rogers." He’s quiet for some time but they hold each other’s gaze. Steve is not sure what Bucky is saying, but it brings his guards up. "Listen," Bucky breaks the silence, putting down his tablet and turning on the sofa to sit facing Steve. “I've been racking my brain for days trying to find a way to tell you this, but there really isn't a way to ease into it so, uh.” Bucky licks his lips and Steve gets momentarily distracted by the silver of tongue peeking from Bucky’s parted lips. He forces himself to look up at Bucky’s eyes. “You gotta stop."

Steve’s train of slightly inappropriate thoughts comes to a halt.

"Stop what?" He asks defensively.

"You know what Steve," Bucky says calmingly, and yes, he _does_ have a pretty good idea what Bucky is talking about. "You have to take a break."

Steve closes the sketchbook and sets it on the coffee table. "You telling me I have to stop doing my job?" For a moment Steve thinks that maybe Sam told Bucky about their conversation when Bucky went out with him a couple of days ago, but he soon dismisses the idea. Sam wouldn't do that, but most of all, this, this is Bucky to his core, mothering Steve.

The corners of his mouth tug into something that is more of a smirk than a smile. “Appreciate the concern, Buck, but I’m okay.” Bucky doesn’t know about doctor Stevenson, but she was worried about what Steve would do if something happened to Bucky. Now that he is out of danger there is nothing to worry about.

“Steve,” Bucky says in that tone Steve hasn’t heard in years. He missed it, but he doesn’t like what usually follows it. “You can't keep throwing yourself at danger like that,” Bucky tells him.

“I understood the concern when a strong wind could knock me down, Bucky.” A blunt lie and they both know it, though Bucky doesn’t contradict him. “But now things are dif-”

“Just cos you’re the size of a house now, Steve,” Bucky talks over him, “doesn’t mean you’re indestructible. Your body can't sustain this forever." It almost feels like Steve is having a flashback to the day after Azzano when they got back to the camp. Steve had been so confident with the new body, it hurt seeing that Bucky still thought he needed protection.

Things _are_ different now, though.

Steve exhales loudly. “What happened last mission was an accident. I didn’t stand there waiting to be hit like a target!” There is more heat in his voice than he intended, but he doesn’t take it back. It’s not fair of Bucky to treat him like this.

Bucky shakes his head. “Not _this_ time, right.”

Steve closes his eyes and suppresses another sigh. Part of him knew this would come one day. He opens his eyes and to find Bucky staring back at him. “What did you want me to do? You wouldn’t fight me either if it was the other way around.”

"I don't know what I'd do," Bucky confesses. "But that's not what I'm talking about." Steve feels the color run out of his face as ice fills his stomach. He can't hold Bucky's gaze. "You keep telling me," Bucky says and Steve wants to say that it's just his imagination when Bucky's voice wavers. Bucky sucks in a breath. "You keep telling me that you're stronger, that you can do it. And I believe you." Steve watches his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. "So why didn't you swim?" Bucky asks angrily. "Why did you stay in the _fucking_ plane?”

Steve stands up. Because he is a coward and he can’t do this. “I’ll tell you when you get your arm back from Stark.” He is running away from his demons, but he’s not the only one. Bucky doesn’t bite the bait and he gets up to block Steve’s way. “Excuse me,” Steve snarls, taking a step closer. Bucky doesn’t move.

"Why. Did. You. Stay. In. The plane?" He pronounces each word carefully. Steve holds his gaze this time because lowering his eyes now it's admitting defeat, and quitting is not something that comes easily to him.

“You already know, don’t you?” They are sharing the same air. Bucky is slightly shorter than Steve but his eyes still bore into Steve with enough intensity to make Steve want to squirm.

“I really don’t,” Bucky says. Steve hasn’t seen him angry like this in – well, he has never seen Bucky like this at all. “That’s why I’m asking you.”

Taking a deep breath Steve starts to recite like the narrator from the Smithsonian. "Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were _inseparable_.” He swallows around the lump in his throat. “That’s us,” Steve says quietly. “I didn’t know what to do without that.” Bucky’s jaw drops and his wide eyes watch Steve like they don’t understand what is in front of them. Steve mentally kicks himself. “I’m not blaming you,” he adds hastily. _I’m blaming myself_ , he leaves unsaid.

“I don’t,” Bucky begins, only to stop and shake his head. “I don’t understand. Your whole _life_ , you fought tooth and nail to keep breathing.” He takes a step back and all of Steve’s warmth goes with him. “I can’t be more important than your life, Steve.”

 _You_ are _my life,_ Steve thinks, but that would just make Bucky angrier so he keeps it to himself. Bucky wouldn't understand, either way, he said it himself. As fucked up and wrong as it is, Steve loves him with all of his being and a vital part of him fell right along with Bucky that day. He is not suicidal. He never even thought about it after waking up in the future. But he was desperate then, he was alone and he didn't think about his actions, he certainly didn't plan on doing what he did. He was saving people, it was all that mattered. It's not how Bucky sees it, though. It's not how anyone sees it when they find out.

“You’re my best friend, Barnes,” Steve hisses through gritted teeth. “Excuse _me_ for feeling bad after I lost you.”

He pushes past Bucky and doesn’t look back until he is out of the apartment. When Steve is inside the elevator he punches the stop button. It’s all he has time to do before his legs give out from under him and he drop unceremoniously to the floor. He brings his knees up to his chest and buries his head between his legs. And only then, Steve allows himself to break.

-

Sam is a certified counselor. There are many things he's heard over the years that he is going to take to his grave. Sometimes though, he needs help. Like when two super idiots decide to confine in him that they are in love with each other, instead of communicating like adults. To make matters worse, it looks like Barnes and Steve aren't really talking at the moment if the fact that Bucky gets to the communal floor way before Steve and then Cap shows up with suspiciously red-rimmed eyes is any indication. So Sam doesn't feel all that bad when he gets Natasha involved in it.

"Well, it's not surprising," she says once he finishes telling her as they wait for the popcorn to be ready. 

It’s not long before the microwave dings and then they join the rest of the group in the living room. There isn’t much they can discuss now anyway, not when they are so close to Steve and Barnes, both of whom can hear more than a person ought to.

Sam takes a seat on the floor, resting his back against one end of the sofa while Barnes takes the other one. Steve is on the sofa, far from Barnes, sitting between Clint and Bruce. Sam looks from one to the other but neither makes eye contact with him.

Tony puts on a Brazilian movie called _The Way He Looks_ , saying that it came recommended from his friend Rhodey. Although, after reading the synopsis, Sam thinks Stark might be onto something here. On the screen, two boys become friends and subsequently fall for one another. Wow! It’s not even subtle.

They are not even fifteen minutes in when Sam starts to notice Steve and Bucky stealing glancing when they think the other is not looking. And Sam realizes he was actually as slow as Steve and Barnes in finding out they are head over heels for each other. He glances around and notices how the rest of the group is very much aware of what is going on.

After some time Bucky gets too involved with the plot of the movie to keep stealing glances at Steve too often. Every now and then he casually looks at the people around him, which Sam suspects it's to gauge their reaction to the two boys in love. Obviously, nobody bats an eye, and Barnes – though he bites his lips to suppress it – can't quite keep the smile off his face. When the characters kiss for the first time he lets out a tiny gasp.

Everybody looks at him, including Steve. And, of course, Barnes stares right back at him. They hold each other's gaze for long enough to become uncomfortable until Bucky finally looks way. Steve's eyes remain on him for a couple of seconds more and then he too goes back to the movie. Sam has no idea what just happened, but it doesn't look like is good.

Barton is apparently a master in defusing tension, and he suddenly starts to eat his popcorn obnoxiously loudly, until the whole group turns their glares at him and Tony takes the bowl away from him.

By the time the movie ends and everyone starts to get up and gather their things, the mood in the room seems to have improved. Nat and Clint leave first and then Bruce’s good night gets lost in the middle of a yawn when he follows. Sam and Bucky offer to take the rest of the glasses back to the kitchen. When they come back Steve is talking to Pepper.

“… here, if you don’t mind?”

Pepper is frowning when she nods. “Sure,” she agrees to something. “These floor has bedrooms too, though. No need to sleep on the couch.”

Oh.

Barnes tenses up by his side, watching Steve for a moment before swiveling around and walks away without saying good night. Sam is sure Steve notices but he doesn't turn around. And as for himself, Sam is just too tired to deal with this stuff, so he leaves Steve and Barnes to sleep on whatever is going on between them, while Sam sleeps on his very comfortable, very big bed.

-

Steve doesn't sleep. He ends up instead going to the gym and punching his way through five punching bags. Once his knuckles have stopped bleeding he goes back to the communal floor and takes a shower. He finds some clothes there, sweatpants and a hoodie with the Stark Enterprises logo on it. Steve puts them on, and when it's not too early anymore he takes the elevator, gets out of the Tower and heads to the VA.

Steve is not proud of it, but, the moment he enters Doctor Stevenson's office and takes a seat, he breaks down crying for the second time in last than twenty-four hours. He can't form a single word. Every time he opens his mouth all that comes out are broken sobs. Steve hugs his knees and hides his head behind his legs as he cries his eyes out.

It feels like he sits there forever until he is finally done. Steve has no idea how much time has passed, but his eyes are sensitive and his shirt is damp when he unfolds himself. Doctor Stevenson says nothing, she merely pushes a box o tissues forward, and when Steve looks up at her she stands and walks over to the water dispenser on the corner of her room and pours a cup. She brings it over with her and offers it to Steve.

Steve is thankful his hand is not shaking anymore when he takes the plastic cup. “Thank you,” he rasps before taking a sip.

The doctor waits for him to finish the water. “Need a refill?” Steve shakes his head. “Okay, Steve. I want you to take some deep breaths for me, can you do that.” Steve does as he is told and follows the doctor’s instructions until she seems satisfied. “Good, very good. Now, whenever you’re ready, I want you to tell me what’s going on.”

Steve sniffs and runs the heels of his hands over his eyes before he straightens his posture and looks Doctor Stevenson in the eye. “Buck knows,” he tells her. “He knows what I did to the airplane." He inhales deeply and lets his shoulders drop. "He's mad at me."

"It's understandable, Steve," Doctor Stevenson says softly. "I would be very upset, too, if someone I love did that." He has nothing to say to that so he keeps his mouth shut, though part of him can't help but wonder what he would do if he found out Bucky had crashed a plane and decided not to fight for his life because Steve wasn't around anymore. He wouldn't want that. "Steve?" The doctor calls and he blinks himself back to the present, apologizing for spacing out.

He tells Doctor Stevenson about his last mission and how Bucky said the same thing to him as she had, that Steve needs to stop.

Doctor Stevenson smiles. “I knew I liked him for a reason.”

Steve’s lips curve into a tiny smile of his own. Doc doesn’t talk about Bucky like he is just the sum of what happened to him. She doesn’t treat him like a famous assassin or even a victim, but someone who is – a very essential – part of Steve’s life.

It doesn’t mean that it isn’t a bit annoying that the two of them don’t even know each other but are already ganging up on him. “But you said I’m a fighter,” Steve retorts, knowing full well he sounds like a stubborn kid but not really caring.

She nods. The smile on her face morphing into a smirk as Steve uses her own words against her. "It doesn't mean you don't need to rest. I think that's what you need the most right now, Steve." Taking a deep breath she uncrosses her legs and lets her arms rest on her thighs as she leans forwards towards Steve. "Not just physical rest, though that's important too, the fact that your body bounces back quickly it's not an excuse to be reckless." Steve makes a face at her but she ignores it. "But mental rest is also crucial. I know that you love Bucky, but helping him at the expense of your own mental or physical health is not helping him at all. And it certainly doesn't make it for a good relationship between you two." She gives him a knowing grin. "However that takes form."

Steve considers her words carefully. Now she sounds just like Sam. She sounds like Sam and Bucky, like Steve's best friends, the people who care about him the most in this world. They are all looking out for him, aren't they? Except it's easier to see it coming from her because Doc is paid for this – which it doesn't mean she cares any less but – she has no reason to over protect Steve like he always thought Bucky and Sam were doing.

“Judging by your face, I think you’re having some sort of revelation,” she jokes.

Steve looks up at her – noticing absently he is crying again, though it’s not from desperation this time – and smiles. “I think I am?” Steve frowns. It sounds like a question. He shakes his head. “No. I _am_.” Steve chuckles wetly. “God, Doc, I need help.”

She nods, offering him a warm smile. “Well, you’ve certainly come to the right place.”

-

It takes hours of tossing and turning on his bed until Bucky finally falls asleep, only to wake up with a start not much later by a nightmare. With a sigh, he untangles the sheets from around his legs and gives up sleep altogether as he gets out of bed.

Bucky grabs his tablet from the nightstand and brings it with him to the living room. He flops down on the sofa and opens the book app; though after reading the same paragraph over and over again Bucky gives up on it.

He ends up searching the internet for news on how the world sees queer people nowadays. And, whoa! Things are very, very different from his time. Bucky reads a lot of articles and stories, mostly the good ones. He skips the bad shit because that hasn’t changed much since the forties. Assholes are still assholes. But now, he can even get married now. If the nuns from his school could see this stuff… Bucky can honestly say he doesn’t know if this is a new development for him or if he has always felt like this, there are still too many holes in his memories, but he doesn’t particularly care either way. He just wonders how Steve would react to knowing Bucky likes fellas.

And then he just thinks about Steve in general and he loses focus on what he had been reading. He worries about Steve, he can't help it, and he is not going to apologize for it. If Rogers wasn't so goddamn stubborn all the time, he'd see that. Bucky wishes he could just put Steve in front of a mirror and show him what _Bucky_ sees when he looks at him. Something beautiful.

Honestly, if his past self never realized how in love with Steve he was, James Buchanan Barnes was one big fool.

Bucky has a quick breakfast and then changes into a workout gear and goes to the gym. For a moment he is scared Steve might already be there and he almost doesn't get out of the elevator when it stops. But Jarvis, seeing his hesitation, tells him, "Captain Rogers has gone out an hour ago, Mr. Barnes. This floor is empty."

“Thanks, pal,” Bucky says, nodding at nothing. The evidence that Steve _has_ been here is still on the floor. Stark’s cleaning crew has yet to come and replace the ruined punching bags. “What are you doing with yourself, buddy?” Bucky mutters under his breath, shaking his head at the mess in front of him.

To his surprise, Barton joins him a moment later. He is an easy going fella and Bucky feels at ease around him. "Hey, man. Look, I'm not as good as Nat, but I can pretend I kick some ass if you wanna spar," he suggests.

Bucky takes him up on his offer and they spend a couple of hours more playfully pushing each other than actually sparring, but it relaxes him nonetheless.

“Hey, if you don’t mind me asking,” Barton says once they are both on the mat, panting slightly. Bucky sitting cross-legged and Clint sprawled on the floor like a starfish. Bucky nods and Barton raises his head, supporting himself on his elbows. “You don’t want the arm back?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then what’s holding you back?”

Bucky has a list of excuses locked and loaded, but in the moment they all sound like such bullshit, he ends up just shrugging. “That thing was used to kill a lotta people,” he says, not looking at Barton. “Isn’t it fucked up that I want it back?”

Barton spends a few seconds considering it. “Well,” he finally says, “does it have to be the same arm?”

“What do you mean?” Bucky asks, narrowing his eyes at him.

“You know Tony could probably build you another one, right? He’ll probably like that. And then you can give him permission to blow the other one to kingdom come, y’know, cos –” _It was used to kill his parents_ , he doesn’t say.

Bucky has to admit he likes the sound of that, but he is not all that sure Stark would want to build him another arm, or do him any favors. On the other hand, he _did_ tell Bucky he would set the arm back whenever Bucky wanted. He also found the journal with his triggers and he didn't use it against Bucky. So maybe… "Do you think he'd be up for it?"

“Tell you what,” Barton says, getting up with a groan and he rolls his shoulders. “Let me ask him. Then I get back to you.” He grins at Bucky. “What do you say?”

Bucky can barely believe this guy that doesn't even know him is offering to do such a nice thing for him, and not even looking like he is going to ask for something in return. Steve sure knows how to pick them friends. "I – I appreciate it. Thank you," he says heartfelt.

Barton offers him a hand and helps Bucky hoist himself up. Once they are both up he pats Bucky on the right shoulder. “Nah, man. You’re part of the gang now, it comes with it. We take care of each other.”

Bucky's face cracks into an easy smile. "Thanks – I," he chuckles, "thanks." He is used to be welcomed with open arms by Steve or even Natalia, but this, this is someone who has probably only heard the bad things about him. And yet he chooses to accept Bucky, just like Sam, always so patient, and Bruce, with his yoga and Stark – who actually has reasons to hate him – with the arm and the apartment and everything else he and Ms. Potts have done to him.

This might have started as a favor for Steve, but it’s not how it feels like now. These people, they are his friends too.

 -

Bucky leaves Clint with a promise of a rematch and goes back to the apartment. Steve is there, standing in the middle of the living room – apparently waiting for him – when he opens the door. “Hey,” Bucky says tentatively. He closes the door behind him and rounds the sofa.

“Hi,” Steve replies, sounding as unsure as Bucky.

Something catches Bucky’s eyes and he looks down. His heart sinks. There’s a duffle bag by Steve’s feet. “You’re leaving?”

Steve follows his line of sight, seeming to have forgotten about the bag next to him. Then he glances up at Bucky. “No, I’m – I’m going to DC for a few days.” Bucky nods his acknowledgment. That sounds better, but it’s still Steve running away from his problem and he doesn’t like it. “Could you – could you sit down for a moment?”

Bucky takes a seat on one end of the sofa and Steve lowers himself down to the other one. “You’re gonna visit Carter?” Bucky asks, jutting his chin at the duffle bag.

“Yeah,” Steve confirms. “Haven’t seen her in a while.”

It’s pathetic but Bucky can’t deny he feels a pang of jealousy inside of him. Had things gone differently Peggy Carter would be Mrs. Rogers by now. “Tell your girl I said hi,” he mutters, not really trying to keep the steel out of his voice.

“She’s not my girl,” Steve counters.

 Silence falls between them for a moment. 

Steve is the first to break it. "Buck," he calls and waits for Bucky to look up. "I have PTSD. You know – that thing Sam told us about?" Bucky nods. He can't believe Steve is actually admitting something is wrong. "I've been seeing a psychiatrist. I mean, I've only been there twice, but – she's helping me see stuff and really face them."

“I’m real glad to hear that, pal,” Bucky says, heartfelt. This is all he wants, for Steve to get better, for both of them to get better. They have been through enough.

Steve shakes his head, suddenly looking miserable. “I’m sorry, Buck.”

Bucky scoots forward instinctively. “What for, Stevie?”

Steve’s shoulders go up to his ears. He looks like he is trying to make himself smaller. It’s not a look Bucky likes to see on him and he immediately wants to do something to change it. “I made a mess,” Steve mumbles. 

“That’s Steve Rogers for you,” Bucky says, with a crooked smile. He gets what he was aiming for when Steve snorts and rolls his eyes. He hits jackpot when Steve playfully shoves at his shoulder.

“You’re a jerk, Barnes,” Steve accuses him. 

“Punk,” Bucky shoots back. And it feels like things are finally sliding back in place. “We’re gonna be alright, Steve,” Bucky says. “Might take us a while but we’re gonna.”

He can see Steve believes him and the earnest look on his face makes Bucky's heart beat faster. Or that might be because Steve just took a hold of his hand. "Buck, I – I've learned recently that I gotta take care of myself too if I ever wanna be there for anyone one else." Bucky nods to show he is following it. Although the truth is he can't look away from Steve's eyes, and he almost loses track of what Steve is saying, but he tunes back just in time. "So I need some time to clear my head a bit." Steve bows his head and glances at him from longs lashes "‘kay?"

"Okay," Bucky breathes out. He knows there is a lot they need to talk about but fuck it if this entire Tower doesn't know something is going on between them by now. If the whole movie night thing wasn't the Avengers' unsubtle way of saying is okay to be gay, Bucky doesn't know what it was. And perhaps he is even wrong – he'll bear the consequences if he is –  but right now, right now he is looking at the face of the person he loves the most in this world; he's half hypnotized by the clear blue of Steve's eyes and all Bucky wants right now is to kiss him.

Bucky leans forward. He licks his lips and not for the first time notices Steve’s eyes dropping to his mouth to follow the movement. It’s the first time Bucky allows himself to think about what that means though. “Steve?”  He calls softly, not really sure what he is asking, maybe for the permission to move that extra inch, to close the gap between them that has been there their whole lives. Or maybe he is asking what is going on.

Bucky is scared that he is reading this all wrong and that he'll blink and Steve will pull away from him as he realizes what he is doing. Steve will apologize, because that's just who he is, and Bucky will shatter.

But instead of saying anything, Steve brings his free hand to Bucky's face. His thumb caresses Bucky's cheek and Bucky immediately leans into the touch. Steve's palm is hot. Bucky almost closes his eyes at the feeling but he doesn't want to miss a second of this. So he keeps watching the slight blush slowly rising up Steve's face, the soft smile playing on his lips. Bucky could spend the rest of his life drinking in every single detail about Steve.

 _God, please, let me be right about this,_ Bucky begs the higher power he didn't even know he still believed in, as he relearns the traces he once knew by heart. Steve is so beautiful. Steve is – he is leaning forward and to hell with Bucky's fears, he's fallen from great heights before. This is a much sweeter descend. He doesn't allow himself to overthink as his eyes fall closed and Steve's lips touch his.

But Bucky doesn’t know which one of them moved first and he freezes when Steve’s hand starts to move. His eyes fly open and he finds Steve looking at him with wide eyes. “I’m sorry,” Bucky says.

He starts to pull away.

He doesn’t get very far.

"I'm not," Steve says, burying his hand in Bucky's hair as he surges forward to capture Bucky's mouth again. Bucky all but melts against him. He turns his head to fit their noses better against each other. The last bit of insecurity lingering in his mind evaporates and he opens his mouth a little wider. He ends up clashing his teeth with Steve's, but Bucky only chuckles and adjusts their positions.

Bucky can't – doesn't even try to – suppress the moan that escapes him when Steve licks at the roof of his mouth. Bucky let's go of Steve's hand to bring his up to Steve's neck, leaning closer until he is flushed against Steve's chest. Now that Steve has a free hand he places it on Bucky's back. It traps Bucky but he doesn't feel scared, not when it's Steve's arm around him.

It feels too soon when they break apart. They are both breathing a little harder. Steve rests his forehead on Bucky’s. Steve’s eyes are still closed when Bucky opens his. “You’re beautiful,” Bucky murmurs quietly. Steve blushes even harder than he already was. He starts to shake his head and Bucky tightens the grip on his neck to stop him. “You _are_ ,” he repeats. “Should’ve told you that the day I met you.”

Steve’s lips tug upwards into a shy smile as he opens his eyes. “So are you.”  He plants a quick peck on Bucky’s lips. “Real proud of us, y’know.”

Bucky hums in agreement. “Who’d have thought two Brooklyn hood rats would get this far?” Steve huffs out a laugh. Bucky pulls away and takes his hand off Steve’s neck, letting it drop back in his lap. “Didn’t know you like fellas,” he fishes, needing to make sure they are on the same page.

Steve chuckles and shakes his head as he looks down at his hands. “Don’t know about _fellas_ ,” he says, stressing the plural. “But there’s this one jerk from back home that caught my eye,” Steve admits.

“I know how it is,” Bucky says, knocking his knees with Steve’s. “Got one of those myself.”

Steve looks up. “Yeah?”

Bucky nods. “Yeah.”

They smile at each other like a couple of love sick idiots for a few seconds before Bucky gives in to the urge to kiss Steve again. Bucky can’t remember the last time he felt like this. It takes him a while to identify the warmth inside of him for what it is. Happiness. He chuckles wetly when they break apart.

Steve frowns a little. “What,” he asks with a curious smile.

But Bucky only shakes his head. “Nothing, I’m just – happy?” He tests the word against his tongue. “I guess?”

The frown leaves Steve's face and he grins at Bucky. "Good," he says and kisses Bucky again. "That's good."

Steve doesn’t stay long, he booked a ticket and soon Sam starts calling him to warn that he is going to miss his plane. Bucky kisses him goodbye before he enters the elevator, and Steve promises to soon get back to him.


	16. Chapter 16

Steve spends four weeks in DC. Sam goes with him but only stays for a few days, during which he takes Steve for dinner with his family. And Steve gets to meet baby Angela and her mother, who thanks him several times for her daughter's portrait. When Sam's mom hugs him before they leave Steve has to shut his eyes tightly to stop the sting in them. He hasn't felt the hug of a mother since Winnifred Barnes pressed him down against herself before he left for basics. The embrace of his own mother is a much older memory. Mrs. Wilson evokes a lot of feeling as she holds him.

“Take care of yourself, dear,” she whispers in his ear before letting go. Steve can only nod before he turns around to follow Sam out of the house.

Steve also goes to a few meeting at the VA. On his first time, he just sticks to the back of the room and doesn't say a word. He knows people recognize him but none of them treats him any differently and for that Steve is grateful. By the third visit, Steve starts to see just how similar their situations are to one another – albeit the time gap – and he begins to feel like opening up. On the fourth, he ends up talking about his experience in the War. He gets a few questions about how soldiers dealt with things like wounds and lack of supplies back in the day, but he also sees many people nodding along as he speaks. By the end of it, Steve feels like he can breathe a little easier.

His time with Peggy is bittersweet. Steve goes to see her every day. There are days she remembers him and they talk for hours or play cards or just enjoy each other’s company. Steve tells her about Bucky and her face scrunches with sadness, but when Steve tells her about how feels for him she doesn’t seem the least bit surprised. Peggy simply pats his hand and gives him a knowing look and he feels himself blush under her gaze.

Some days she doesn't recognize him at all.  On days like these Steve sits for a few minutes – or hours – at the sofa outside her room and waits to see if her state will change. It happens sometimes. He'll reenter the bedroom and she'll continue the conversation where they had stopped the day before. However, more often than not, she will cry when she sees him, and tell him she has never lost hope, she knew he would come back; or – and those are the days it hurts the most – she'll smile at him as she introduces herself and asks for his name.

Bucky is worried about how this affects Steve’s mental health – he tells him every time Steve ends up crying over the phone. Though when he skypes with Doctor Stevenson she says it’s normal to be sad in this situations and Steve passes the message to Bucky.

All in all, it's sad to say, but it's clear that every day Peggy is getting near the end.

Steve meets Sharon outside of the nursing home after one of his visits. She halts when she spots him.

“Hi, Kate,” Steve says with a smile, using the fake name.

Sharon takes off her sunglasses, probably so that he can see the eye roll. “Captain,” she greets him. “Visiting Aunt Peggy?”

“Yeah. I’m leaving, actually. She fell asleep.” His shoulders drop as he says it. Peggy has been sleeping more and more these days.

Sharon sighs. If this is hard for him he can’t imagine how Peggy’s family must be feeling. “Do you wanna have some coffee?" Sharon offers, probably giving up on seeing her aunt today.

Steve nods and grins at her to try to make the situation a little lighter. “Sure, neighbor,” he accepts, “your treat.”

They talk for a couple of hours and Steve learns that Peggy has no idea Sharon had been spying on him. She doesn’t even know Steve and her niece know each other. Sharon didn’t want her aunt to have to lie to him, and Steve is really grateful for that.

“How’s your boyfriend?” Sharon asks after a moment of silence.

She thinks she is being clever, but Steve catches her by surprise when he bites the bait. “He’s doing pretty well, thanks,” he informs with a grin.

Sharon lifts an eyebrow. “Uh, so I _was_ right.”

Steve snorts out a laugh. “What gave it away?” He can feel the heat on his cheek, but there’s no trace of resentment or – god forbid – disgust on her face so he doesn’t tense up, and actually plays along. “Fact I never shut up about him?”

It makes her laugh too, but she also nods as she does it. Yeah, Steve can see that now. How unsubtle he has been to anyone but himself. He is just glad he didn’t make things unbearably awkward between them and they can still – perhaps one day – become friends.

Sharon sobers up after a moment and the smile dropping from her face puts Steve’s guards immediately up. “There was a bounty on his head,” she tells him. Steve feels cold. “Out of the country.”

“You said _was_ ,” Steve says, deciding to focus on that first, instead of giving in to the urge to run back to New York and make sure Bucky is okay.

"Not anymore," Sharon assures him. "You don't have to worry, Captain. The Sergeant is protected." It's not that Steve doesn't trust Sharon, but he doesn't like the fact that Bucky's protection lies in hands unknown to him, and worse, that he has no idea what the threat is in the first place. His discomfort must show on his face. "I guarantee you that no harm will come to him, as far as any government institution is concerned," Sharon says solemnly.

“Thank you,” Steve says sincerely. It will never feel as safe as when _he_ is the one shielding Bucky from the world, but he’ll take this.  “And it’s just Steve these days” he adds.

“Is that permanent?”

“For now.” He knows he is being vague, but Steve can’t honestly give her an answer one way or another. He is sure that it if was up to Bucky or even his shrink he would retire the uniform. But Steve isn’t certain he can just stop for good. Regardless of that though, he sure _is_ enjoying the down time.

He exchanges numbers with Sharon and she promises to keep him posted about Peggy or anything coming Bucky's way if she thinks her people can't handle it. By the way she talks Steve thinks she might have traded in SHIELD for the FBI or CIA or any other agency that pays her good money to snoop around and protect people. He is sure whatever Sharon is doing she is making Peggy proud and he is happy for her.

“Ew, you flirted with Carter’s niece,” Bucky says over the phone that night.

“It’s not like that,” Steve defends himself as he stared at the ceiling. He needs to sell this apartment, he thinks absently. But he sure is glad he hasn’t yet and there is a place for him to stay while he is in DC. He doesn’t feel like living here anymore though.

“Did Natalia know that when she was playing match maker with the two of you?”

Steve shrugs, even though Bucky can’t see him. “I don’t know.” Once Natasha told him she only pretends to know everything. She also didn’t seem to recognize the picture of Peggy on the old SHIELD building in Camp Lehigh. Steve turns on the bed so that he is lying on his side. “Enough about that,” he says. “I wanna hear about your day.”

Bucky lets out a long, suffering sigh that sounds exactly the same as to when he was frustrated with a math problem from school, back when they were kids. Steve knows the smile on his face is a fond one. "I burned a batch of cookies," Bucky complains. Steve imagines him pouting over the line.

“Well, now,” he says amused, “how did that happen?”

-

The Avengers don't let Bucky stay cooped up in the apartment while Steve is gone. All of them – including Stark, along with Ms. Potts – keep coming around to spend some time with him, or they have Jarvis tell him he is being expected on the common floor for a movie or a get together of some sort.  With every passing day Bucky feels more like an actual person, and better yet, he feels welcomed here.

And when the day comes, Natalia takes it upon herself the task of driving him to his first session with the psychiatrist. Bucky can't deny he is nervous, and he is glad she is with him. He wishes Steve could come with him - never mind he had told Steve the opposite - at least on this first day, but Steve is doing his own kind of healing and Bucky needs to give Steve the space to do that without worrying about him.

He is not alone, though, and that is all that matters. Natalia is a solid presence beside him. She doesn't talk much during the ride, which Bucky is also thankful for, but after she parks the car in the underground garage of the clinic she turns to him. "How do you feel about this?"

For a second, Bucky wants to take a page out of Steve’s book and say he is fine. But he is not, and the whole point of this is for him to open up about the things that aren’t alright. Starting by telling Natalia the truth seems like an easy step, compared to what awaits him upstairs. “I’m scared,” Bucky admits, looking down at his hand. He still hasn’t gathered the courage to ask Stark for an arm, neither the old nor a new one Barton said Stark could do it for him. “What if I hurt the shrink?” He shakes his head. “What if there’s no way of getting this stuff otta my head?”

Natalia places a hand on his cheek and Bucky looks up at her. “I can’t promise you anything, James,” she says softly. “But I think you can do it, I believe in you.”

“Thank you, Natalia.”

They share a look. Bucky can quite interpret what Natalia's means, but for his part, he is really grateful for her being here. However, when she leans forward her intentions are clear. Bucky turns his face just in time and her lips end up touching her own hand. Natalia pulls back and lowers her hand. "I was just trying to show some support."

Bucky nods, trying to push down the awkwardness. “You did. I just – uh, what about Barton?”

“We’re not exclusive,” Natalia says simply.

“I’m sorry, I –” Bucky shakes his head and offers her a tight lipped smile. “There’s someone in my life.” Natalia’s face morphs into something completely different from the almost shyness of moments ago and she is suddenly smirking at him. Bucky scoffs. “You just wanted me to admit that, didn’t you?”

"To be fair, I was also trying to get you out of your head for a bit," She tells him, still looking amused. "This way I just had a double chance of succeeding." Either he would have kissed her or he would have done what he did, and admitted to something she has probably been curious about since that day they sparred together and she tried to pry information from him. Bucky is actually impressed. "Now, if you'd like to share anything else…"

“Oh, I’m ready to share alright,” Bucky says, smirking at her. “Share with my shrink, that is,” he adds as he opens the door. He gets out of the car, closes the door and leans over the open window.

Natalia looks both amused and slightly annoyed. “Nice finally meeting you, Bucky Barnes. Don’t ever expect me to call you that again.”

 Bucky winks at her, and then straightens up and knocks on the roof of the car. “Thanks for the ride, doll.”

He has to give it to Natalia, though. He does feel a lot more relaxed as he takes the elevator up to meet his psychiatrist. Of course, the good sensation withers and dies the minute he steps inside Doctor Sidana’s office. And Bucky immediately wants to turn tail and run back to tell Romanova about him and Steve, because that seems so much easier than what he is about to do.

The woman waiting for him is a lot younger than he expected, perhaps in her mid to late thirties. She smiles warmly at him when he enters. “Hello, James.”

Bucky tries to offer her the same kind of welcoming smile, but when the muscles of his face move upwards it feels more like a grimace than anything. He is not comfortable and it shows. He opens his mouth, and for a horrifying moment Bucky can’t speak, he can’t make a single sound and he almost gives up on the spot, turns around and walks away. But he doesn’t. He closes his mouth and takes a deep breath, and then swallows down the anxious lump in his throat and tries again. “Hello,” he croaks, uncertain. It sounds like a question and Bucky blushes.

The doctor doesn't look fazed by his awkwardness. "Take a seat, please." She gestures to the sofa on the left side of the room and waits for Bucky to sit down to continue. "My name is Kala," she tells him. Bucky nods. "And I'd like you to call me by my first name."

Kala looks at him with an open expression. She is waiting for him to say something, though she doesn’t seem to be in any sort of hurry. Bucky licks his lips. He can do this, he tells himself, he can tell her his name, that should be the easiest part of this whole thing. “Bucky,” he mumbles. Then he clears his throat and tries again. “My name’s Bucky.” This time his voice is clearer, even if it’s still small.

“Okay, Bucky,” the doctor acknowledges him with a nod. She uncrosses her legs and stands up from her armchair. She walks over to the couch and gestures to the empty space next to Bucky. “Can I sit here?”

“Uh, yes?” Bucky is not sure why she is asking, giving that this is her office and she can sit wherever she wants, but he plays along.

The doctor sits down, leaving enough of a personal space between them. “Well, Bucky, I want to hear about what you’ve been through. I know there are things that are going to be hard to say, but I want you to remember, whenever these memories overwhelm you, that the past can’t hurt you. It’s gone. It’s all gone.” She turns her palms up. “I’m not afraid of you, Bucky. And if you need to feel grounded I want you to take my hand, okay.”

Bucky nods as he stares down at her hands. The doctor seems really nice but he can't help but think her faith in him might come to bite her in the ass. So he tells her, "Thank you, I – thank you. But – please, if I – if I lose it at any time –" Bucky forces himself to look up at her. This is serious and he needs Doctor Kala to understand. "If I lose it, _please_ don’t try to touch me. Just get out. Please.”

She just smiles at his warning. It's more amused than alarmed, and _god_ , it’s like he is talking to Steve Rogers. “Are you worried about me, Bucky?”

Oh, Jesus! She _is_ exactly like Steve. “I’m serious,” Bucky insists.

"I know," Kala says after a moment. "The fact that I'm optimistic doesn't mean I don't know when to stop, Bucky.  Look, I have an idea," she reaches over and grabs her tablet from the coffee table. Bucky watches as she unlocks the screen. It's password protected. He didn't know he could do that. Kala finds what she was looking for and turns the screen towards him. "I've been studying your case, Bucky. And I think that the triggers in your brain are our biggest concern, violence wise. Other than that, I believe you are as susceptible to it as me or anyone else."

“I don’t understand. You don’t think I’m violent?” It’s hard to see otherwise after everything he has done.

“There’s something in your brain that can cause you to _become_ violent," Kala explains. "But it doesn't seem to me that you yourself have a violent nature, Bucky. Do you feel the need, or urge, to suddenly lash out?" Bucky shakes his head. "Do you have moments when it seems like you've lost track of time and then you realize you can't remember what you've done." Not since the last time he was put on the chair. Bucky shakes his head again. "You're not violent, Bucky," Kala tells him. "Somebody tried very hard to make you, but that's not who you are. What I most want here is to help you deal with your trauma."

“But first we have to get rid of the trigger in my head,” Bucky completes what he thinks is her train of thought.

“Not _first_ ,” she corrects, “at the same time. Look.” by the time they turn their attention back to the tablet Kala has to unlock the screen again. Bucky peeks at the text on the screen.

“Hypnosis?” He frowns. "Is that real?"

"Yes. And that way I can get to the root of the problem with fewer chances of hurting either one of us." She explains the process to him and shows Bucky some pictures and videos. He has to admit, some of it looks like the kind of stuff Steve and he would skip at a carnival. Bucky says it as much to the doctor but she guarantees him this is real. "With all that said, at the end of the day this is still me wandering in your head. I want you to know that I understand completely if you're not up to it. We'll find another way if you don’t want to do this,” Kala reassures him. “I’m not going to do a single thing without your consent, Bucky.”

Bucky studies her face while he thinks about it. She looks sincere, and more than that, she seems confident that this can help him, that _she_ can. His first instinct is to say no, just to see if he actually can walk away from this. Bucky remembers very well what the judge said about his therapy. He doesn't have a choice. So how come this young doctor is telling him she wants his consent to poke around in his brain? He shrugs. "I have to do this, one way or another."

“Sorry,” Kala says, shaking her head. “That’s not good enough for me. I’m aware that you are legally required to do therapy, but the way I see it, your only obligation here is to want what’s best for you.” She snorts. “Fuck the government, Bucky. What do _you_ want?”

Bucky can only stare at her.

“I – I wanna get this stuff outta my head,” he says at last. “Okay – let’s –” He huffs. “Let’s do this. I – I wanna do this.”

They agree on having their session three times a week. And until they can eliminate or at least suppress the triggers, two of these sessions will be dedicated to that, and the remaining one is for him to talk about his time as a POW.

On their second time together Bucky bring a copy of the pages with the triggers he got from Ms. Potts. He lies down on the sofa and, with his heart beating fast and his palm sweaty, lets the doctor do her thing. When Bucky wakes up he immediately turns his head and empties his stomach on the office floor. Kala doesn't get mad or judge him for it. All she does is ask if she can touch him, but Bucky shakes his head and she stays where she is. 

The same thing happens over and over again after every session she hypnotizes him. Bucky has no recollection of what happens after he falls asleep, but his body seems to remember and it reacts to the intrusion. He feels weak and shaken up every time she wakes him. He doesn’t know if it’s working and he thinks she doesn’t know either, but they keep going.

The sessions where he is supposed to talk aren't easy either. For the first few times, Bucky leaves Kala's office without having said a thing. It all just floats around in his brain and when he finally manages to grasp at something, it's too painful and he can't say it out loud.

Bucky doesn't tell any of this to Steve when they talk over the phone at night. Steve has his own healing to do. Bucky misses him something fierce but he knows Steve will come back when he is ready so he doesn't push, and he doesn't dump his shit on Steve. It doesn't mean Bucky doesn't spend his free time – when he isn't crying or puking around Kala's office – thinking about Steve and the kissed they shared. They haven't talked about it. Bucky thinks there is some sort of silent mutual agreement between them to discuss this when Steve comes back, but he is not sure. He wants it though. He wants to talk to Steve and he wants to kiss him and that’s one of the things that push Bucky forward when he wants to give up, or it’s too much to just get out of bed. He doesn’t do it all for Steve. He knows his independence is important and he wants to get better but Steve has always strengthened his resolve and this isn’t different.

They will both get better, and if Bucky is lucky, he will get to kiss Steve Rogers again, and then again, for the rest of his life.

-

Tony had gone to work the minute Barton told him Barnes wanted a new arm, and that if he could build him a new one, Tony would get to keep the old prosthetic. And smash it to bits if he felt like it.

The challenge has been keeping him up at night ever since.

He has lost count of how many times Pepper has stormed his lab and almost literally dragged him to bed. That woman is a lot stronger than she looks and Tony is pretty sure Romanoff has trained her to be a ninja assassin spy or something.

But delays or not, now Tony is finally close to finishing the new arm. Then will be just a matter of making Barnes actually accept it and let Tony attach the thing to him. No matter how much Tony tells him, Barnes still seems distrustful of him. And granted, it's not like Tony has simply forgiven and forgotten, but he has learned how to deal with it. Barnes is a victim, Tony knows that. He _told_ Barnes he knows that. But the guy still doesn’t seem to see it.

And now Cap is MIA. Tony has no idea why Steve suddenly up and left but according to Wilson, Steve is currently on leave. The fact that Barnes stayed behind is also weird. They have been joined at the hip since Barnes came here and when he had to spend a week locked up Steve was a complete mess. And now Cap is okay with being apart from his BFF, just like that? Weird.

But not as weird as Barnes _Barnes_ showing up at Tony’s lab.

Tony actually does a double take as Grumpy Winter gingerly approaches him. “Huh, look at what the cat dragged in!” Itself, because Barnes is the Grumpy Cat meme, well, now Tony is starting to lose his hold on the metaphor. Anyway. "So…" he drawls when Barnes halts but doesn't open his mouth to say what he wants. Tony follows his line of sight. Oh. "I'm almost done," he informs, nodding at the prosthetic he is working on. "I'm thinking about doing this large scale," Tony goes on since Barnes doesn't look like he wants to contribute to the conversation. "Of course I'm gonna need your feedback first, tell me what works, what doesn’t. Also, I have to take into consideration the fact that you're a lot stronger than a regular human, so it should be lighter for anyone else. Not that this isn't lighter than your previous model, that thing weighs a ton!"

Barnes looks at him like Tony is giving him a splitting headache. Honestly, it’s a look Tony has seen in other people before.  “You’re gonna make more of it?” He asks, breaking the silent pack he apparently had with himself.

"Yep," Tony says, popping the p. Barnes takes a careful step closer but he is still too far from the table to actually see much. So Tony pulls up a hologram with the schematics of it by raising his arms. "See, I used the older model as a basis, but you won't need surgery to attach this one," he explains, zooming in on the shoulder. "So people won't have to modify their collarbones to support it."

Another step closer. “H-How does it work?”

Tony takes a deep breath. Then he stops. “Do you _really_ wanna know?" Barnes nods, and Tony launches into a not at all brief explanation of how the prosthetic works. At first, he thinks Barnes is only humoring him, but pretty soon Tony realizes Grumpy Soldier is actually interested and he is soaking up everything Tony tells him. "You like this stuff, don't you?"

Barnes frowns at the floor as he thinks about it. "I think I used to," he says. "I – I remember working at a mechanic once. I remember seeing your –" He stops abruptly and bites down on his lip.

Tony has to roll his eyes. “Listen, you can talk about my dad. I know you guys knew each other, he never shut up about your BFF and even _you_ were in some of his stories. Just don’t tell me anything about his death. Everything else is fair game.”

Barnes seems uncertain, but after a moment he nods – mostly to himself – and opens his mouth again. “I remember seeing him at the fair.” He looks up and his eyes are actually shining with wonder when he says, “He had a flying car.”

“Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, but that didn’t work.”

To Tony’s complete surprise Barnes grins at him. “I know,” he says. “It was up for a couple of seconds. Then it went down in front of everybody.” He shakes his head and Tony can see he is lost in the memory. “Didn’t faze him one bit. He shook it off and kept on going like it was all part of the show.”

Tony snorts. Yeah, Howard Stark was known for shaking things off and keeping the show going, even if said things included his family, _especially_ when it included his family. "That's dear old dad for you."

“If it’s any consolation I remember more about him than I do my own father,” Barnes confesses. He looks so miserable doing it it’s no consolation to Tony at all.

They are in a dire need of a change of subject so Tony takes that upon himself. “Gimme five hours," he says. "Then I'll attach it to you and we'll see how it goes." Barnes opens his mouth, probably to spill out some bullshit that he doesn't deserve any of this or something. Well, Tony doesn't know about deserving or not, but he is just about to finish here and he wants to take the arm for a spin. "You know what," he says before Barnes has the chance to. "It's non-negotiable. Think about it as rent or whatever. You live under my roof you use my arm." Whoa, that sounds really weird when he says it out loud. Whatever, Tony means it, anyway. "So, what's it gonna be, Terminator?”

-

Steve hasn't shaved since he left New York and for the first time in his life, he has an actual beard. It's one of the things he could only dream of having before the serum. Then, after it, he had to keep the squeaky clean image of Captain America and he had to shave religiously to keep his face as smooth as a baby's bum. Now the chance to let go a little has presented itself and Steve grabs at it with a vice grip. He is aware how much of a lumberjack he resembles, but the freedom of this one act of rebellion against the – mostly self-implied – rules makes him proud of himself every time he catches a glance of his face in the mirror.

However, he has to admit he is a little nervous as to what Bucky’s reaction to this will be. Will he think Steve lost it completely? Or maybe he will think Steve has had some sort of breakdown and has been depressed enough to stop shaving altogether. But the worse thought Steve has had so far is that Bucky will take one look at him and start laughing at how stupid he looks. That’s the thought that sticks to his head for most of the plane ride. It’s almost enough to make him stop somewhere and shave off. At the end of it though, by the time he manages to get a taxi, Steve has reigned his emotions and quieted his anxiety down to normal levels again. Bucky is not cruel, he wouldn’t do that to Steve even if he really didn’t like Steve’s new look.

Steve didn't tell anyone except for Doctor Stevenson about coming back, and that is only because they need to schedule their appointments. So when the taxi stops in front of the Tower there is no one there to welcome him, and it's a bit of a relief if Steve is honest. He fears that it would have been overwhelming to have all of his friends' eyes on him, especially since only Bucky and Sam know why he left in the first place.

With only a wave at the receptionist – who waves back with a friendly smile – Steve heads to the private elevators without a hitch. And with that, Jarvis is the first to welcome him back.

 _“Welcome back, Captain._ ”

“Thanks, Jarvis. And it’s just Steve,” he adds.

 _“Ok. And how was your trip, Steve?_ ”

Steve smiles up at the camera. “Pretty good, Jarvis. Thanks for asking." The AI responds politely and Steve remembers something. "Is Bucky home?" Now that he is here the weight of how much he has missed Bucky finally catches up with Steve. Perhaps he should have called ahead. Bucky could be at therapy or maybe he is out with some of their other friends. One of the reasons Steve was okay staying in DC for so long is that the Avengers have taken Bucky under their wings and they didn't leave him alone in the floor all this time. 

“ _Indeed he is, Steve. Would you like me to call ahead and alert him of your presence? I believe he is preparing his lunch.”_

Blowing out a relieved breath Steve shakes his head. “No, no. I think I’ll make it a surprise.”

The elevator stops and Jarvis speaks as he opens the door. “ _I think he will be happy to see you, Steve._ ”

Steve’s smile grows fonder when he sees his door. “Yeah,” he agrees, “Feeling is mutual.”

Music fills up the apartment once Steve steps inside. He is not sure he knows it, but Steve thinks he might have heard it before. It sounds old, though not old enough to be anything from his youth. It's melodic and romantic and slow. It's exactly the kind of stuff Bucky likes. If he closes his eyes Steve can picture Bucky at the end of the night, charming a girl for the last dance before calling it a night. Steve doesn't want to imagine Bucky dancing with some random dame, though. He wants to dance with Bucky himself.

_Like a river flows_

_Surely to the sea_

_Darling, so it goes_

_Some things are meant to be._

When Steve gets to the kitchen Bucky has his back to him. He is softly singing along while he stirs something that smells delicious.

Leaning against the threshold, Steve crosses his arms and watches Bucky. There is something different about him, but Steve can’t pinpoint what it is until his eyes fall on Bucky’s left arm. Bucky _has_ a left arm. It’s not the same one. For one thing, the metal is darker and the design of the plates is different, and even from where he is standing Steve can see this new model is lighter than Bucky’s previous one. There is only one place he could have gotten that. Stark.

The song ends and in the silence that follows Bucky speaks. “If you’re gonna keep watching you might as well take a picture. It’ll last longer.” Bucky swivels around; spoon still in hand. “Or so the kids say these da–” The spoon falls. “Steve,” he breathes out. Steve blushes under Bucky’s gaze.

Steve smiles, self-conscious and another song begins. “Hey, Buck.”

Bucky has enough presence to turn off the stove – though he ignores the spoon he dropped – before crossing the kitchen to go to Steve. He comes to a halt when he is only a foot away and they both inspect the changes in each other. Bucky has a new arm, and his hair is shorter, though it's still longer than it used to be. And Steve has a beard, and as much of tan as he could get with the serum. They have both gained a pound or two.

They both look more whole than they have been a few months ago.

In the end, Steve is the one to take the first step. He uncrosses his arms and steps away from the wall. His movement unfreezes Bucky and he launches himself onto Steve, bringing his arms up to Steve's shoulders, around his neck, as Steve circles his waist and Bucky buries his face on the crook of Steve's neck. They hold tight against each other, but it's not like before, it's not desperate, not like the other is a lifeline they are hanging on to. Their embrace now speaks of how much they have missed each other, how much they love each other.

“Steve,” Bucky repeats softly once they break apart. “You – you have a –” His eyes fall to Steve bearded cheeks and Steve can actually feel as he gets redder. But then Bucky brings up a hand, which hovers over Steve’s face without touching. “Can I –” Steve nods and Bucky starts to slowly caress his face. Steve’s eyes fall close out of their own volition as a shiver runs down his body. “You look real good, Stevie. _God,_ you look good.”

The praise, along with Bucky’s light touch makes desire pool on Steve’s stomach. “Buck,” he says, but Steve can’t find the words to follow the name so he simply leans into the touch.

“Open your eyes for me, sweetheart,” Bucky asks quietly and Steve complies. Bucky has a smile on his face that makes Steve want to kiss every inch of him. “How are you?”

“I’m good, Buck. I’m doing much better, promise.” Recovery is a long way, for both of them, but Steve knows Bucky understand him. “You?”

"I'm getting there myself," Bucky says. "My shrink says it might take months to get rid of all the triggers." Sadness crosses his face for a moment but it doesn't linger. "We're making progress though," Bucky adds. "I found out that if I talk to her about things and she asks me questions sometimes it's like my brain needed that extra push to unlock a memory. And – the hard stuff? It loses power when we face it, doesn't it?"

Steve chuckles. “That it does, Buck. That it does.”

Bucky’s hand is still on his face. He brings his thumb closer to Steve’s mouth. “I wanna kiss you, Stevie,” Bucky confesses, looking at Steve’s mouth and then up at his eyes. “I wanna kiss you for the rest of our lives.”

They say actions speak louder than words, so Steve decides to answer Bucky’s confession by turning his face to plant a kiss on Bucky’s wrist. His pulse quickens under Steve’s lips and Steve kisses it again.

Bucky lets out a frustrated groan and Steve laughs at his impatience. He glances up and notices Bucky's pupils are completely blown. Steve takes pity on him at last and pulls Bucky forwards by the waist and he comes willingly. They are sharing the same breath when Steve asks, "You sure?"

“Yeah,” Bucky says, and with that he closes the gap between them, capturing Steve’s mouth with his.

The kiss is slow and exploratory at first. Steve brings his other hand to Bucky’s waist and Bucky brings the left hand to Steve’s neck. The metal is colder than his human hand and it sends a shiver down Steve’s spine.

Bucky backs Steve up onto the wall behind him and Steve hits his head.

“Sorry,” Bucky mumbles.

Steve smiles into the kiss. "Don't worry." He reaches up with a hand to bury it in Bucky's hair and is rewarded with a low moan when he massages Bucky's scalp.

Bucky bites and sucks at Steve’s lower lip. “You don’t play fair, Rogers,” he complains as he leaves a trail of wet kisses down Steve’s jaw.

It’s Steve’s time to groan when Bucky scratches his teeth onto a particularly sensitive spot on his neck. “Neither do you, Barnes." Steve's pants are getting tighter as the kisses start to become more urgent. And by the way they are flushed together, Steve can feel that Bucky is much in the same situation. It makes Steve bolder. He spreads his legs so that Bucky can fit one of his between them. Steve snakes the hand he has on the small of Bucky's back under his shirt. Bucky's breath hitches and Steve immediately stops. “This okay?” He pants on Bucky’s ear.

Bucky makes a sound that's neither here nor there but when Steve calls his name he simply grabs Steve's earlobe between his teeth and growlers as he grinds his hips on Steve's. "This enough answer to you?"

Steve grinds back against Bucky because two can play at this game. But when his knees threaten to give up from under him Steve realizes he might not have thought this through. It doesn’t matter though; because Bucky is back to exploring Steve’s neck, probably leaving marks that will fade too soon and Steve is free to run his finger over the expense of Bucky’s back and feel the muscles shifting under his digits.

Bucky brings his metal hand to the back of one of Steve’s thigh and brings Steve’s leg up to grant himself a better angle as he grinds against Steve. And Steve uses the hand he still has on Bucky’s neck to bring him down for another kiss; this one desperate and not at all shy and tentative, like their first one. Their teeth clash together but neither of them pays it any mind. Bucky merely turns his head to the side for a better angle before diving back in. His tongue seeks entrance in Steve's mouth and Steve opens up for him willingly.

Bucky's tongue and hips fall under the same urgent rhythm and Steve can only cling to him. His short nails drag over the skin on Bucky's back and it only makes Bucky thrust harder against him. By now Steve is dangerously close to doing something he hasn't done since he was a teenager and he can't find it in him to care. And sure, they should talk about this and definitely take things slower. But they both want this and even Steve has to admit that the fact they are simply making out still fully clothed is pretty mild compared to anything else they could have been doing.

It doesn't take long before Bucky is shuddering against Steve, biting down hard on Steve's collarbone as he comes. He grinds on Steve for a few more seconds and then it's Steve's turn to follow. His knees turn to jelly and his vision whites out for a moment and Steve can't remember the last time this happened. He rests his forehead on Bucky's shoulder and takes a moment to recover his breath.

After a few minutes where the only sound is their panting, Bucky breaks the silence with a breathy laugh. "Gee, Stevie. Look what you did!"

He sounds like Brooklyn, like home. It makes Steve smile. But he also takes his hand from Bucky’s shirt to weakly shove at him, because Barnes is full of shit. “’M not the one acting like a horny dog.”

Bucky snorts another laugh and after a moment he steps away from Steve. He looks at Steve from under his lashes and a few strands of messy hair. And all Steve can do is look right back at him, his red kissed lips, his flushed cheeks. _God,_ Bucky is beautiful. Steve can’t help himself and he reaches out to pull a lock of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. “Hi,” Steve says.

"Hi," Bucky answer softly, a bashful smile playing on his lips. After another moment Bucky shakes his head. "Tell you what. Go wash up. Then I'll finish lunch and you can tell me about DC." Steve agrees with a nod. But just as he is leaving the kitchen Bucky pulls him back for another kiss. "I'm real happy you're back."

“Me too,” Steve answer with a smile. Then he heads to the bathroom.

-

Perhaps the most unexpected friendship Bucky has formed in this century is the one with his lawyer, Matt Murdock. But he came to see Bucky a few times after the hearing to talk about stuff like Bucky’s back pay from the army and his being declared alive again. And they discovered that when Matt is not being suspicious of his client, and when Bucky is not too busy freaking out all the time, they actually get along pretty well. Matt has even invited Bucky to go to church with him, which Bucky declined. Although, he knows Steve would accept it if Bucky asked him, so he doesn't completely discard the thought.

Murdock has a split lip when Bucky meets him at the coffee shop. He doesn't comment on it, though. Matt has complained a lot about Foggy mothering him. Bucky realized that, between Matt and Foggy, Matt is Steve. But he has his own Bucky to call him on his shit so Bucky keeps his concern to himself.

“You alright?” He asks when he places his coffee down on the table and sits down.

“Been better,” Matt says vaguely. And just like Steve, he is quick to change the subject. “How’s Captain Rogers?”

Bucky takes a sip of his coffee and hisses when it burns the tip of his tongue. He scowls down at the coffee with a betrayed expression while he answers Matt. "He's just Rogers now and we're very happy about that."

Steve has been making a lot of progress. He is sleeping better and he is exercising because he wants now, and not because he feels like he has to, or because he thinks that if he tires his body his mind will give him a rest. Things aren't perfect. Not by a long shot. After what happened between them in the kitchen Steve broke down crying during lunch and apologized for taking advantage of Bucky. And it was only hours later that Bucky managed to convince him he didn't do anything wrong and they end up falling asleep in each other's arms on the couch. It was messy, but at least Steve isn't bottling things up anymore and that is a huge step forward for him. Stepping down from Captain America has certainly helped with that.

“We?” One of Matt’s eyebrows lifts up over the frame of his glasses.

Although Matt cannot see him, Bucky still blushes. "We," he confirms with a grin he is sure Matt can sense in his voice.

“I’m happy for you two,” Matt says with a lopsided smile. He doesn’t linger on the subject, though. And they spend the following hours chatting about nothing in particular. It’s peaceful and normal and nobody seems to recognize him so Bucky allows himself to relax and enjoy his life.

-

All in all, the Avengers are more surprised when Steve tells them he is taking an indefinitely break from Captain America than they are of knowing Steve and Bucky are together and very much in love with each other. When Steve tell Natasha that he finally realizes what she had been trying to tell him she only rolls her eyes and smirks at him before kissing Steve on the cheek and saying she is happy for him. Sam doesn't even bat an eye – although he mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like _about damn time_ – and the others just congratulate him.

Doctor Stevenson tells him to take things slow – which makes Steve blush but she pretends not to see it – and to always, _always_ communicate with Bucky. She tells Steve the cards have to always be on the table for both of them that that’s the only way a healthy relationship can flourish. He takes her words to heart, and whenever he isn’t comfortable with something Steve forces himself to voice it, even if he blushes or cries his eyes out as he does it. He is determined not to hide things from Bucky anymore.

It’s not only to Bucky that Steve owes his honesty, though. And that’s why one day he finally takes the elevator up to the penthouse.

Tony is sprawled on the sofa, reading a book when Steve finds him. “Look who it is!” Tony says when his eyes lift from the pages to Steve. He closes the book and sits up.

“Can we talk?”

The expression on Steve’s face makes Tony sigh. “Doesn’t seem like a fun talk, Cap.”

Steve doesn’t bother correcting him. He waits for Tony to invite him and then takes a seat, resting his palms on his thighs. “I was harsh to you. I’m sorry.”

Tony frowns. “What are you talking about?”

"When I brought Bucky here I didn't stop to think about what that would mean to you. I was selfish, and I didn't take your feelings into consideration." Steve has always thought Tony was self-centered but _he_ was the one acting like a child when all this time all Tony did was try to help Bucky.

For a moment Tony only gaps at him. Then he closes his mouth and clears his throat. “I – uh – Thank you?”

“You don’t have to –”

"It was bad, okay," Tony interrupts Steve. "I thought it wouldn't bother me, but it did, a lot. But none of this matter now." He seems ready to drop the conversation altogether. For all that Tony likes attention, it's clear he isn't used to people apologizing to him. "I should've told you, you guys were being monitored,” he says, proving Steve’s point as he shifts the conversation so that the blame is on him.

Steve shakes his head. "I'd probably have done something stupid if you had. Anyway. I just wanted to apologize and to thank you for everything you’ve done for us.”

Tony nods and then narrows his eyes at Steve. “Sounds like you’re saying goodbye, Cap.”

Steve smiles at getting caught red handed. "We're thinking about getting our own place." Although, it's definitely not something for now. They have both agreed to wait until Bucky is finally free of all of his triggers. His psychiatrist says it could be a year until they are done but Steve is hopeful that it will be less time than that. "It might take a while, though," he tells Tony.

“Going back to Brooklyn?”

"I don't think so." The Brooklyn Steve and Bucky knew is in the past, and they are both looking forwards these days.

“Well,” Tony says, standing up and offering a hand for Steve to shake. “If you need anything you know where to find me.”

Steve stands up too and shakes his hand. “Thank you, Tony,” he says, and acting on an impulse he pulls Tony into a hug. When they part Tony’s eyes look suspiciously shiny and Steve’s own throat seems a little tighter but it finally feels like the cloud that had been looming over their heads for months has finally dissipated.

-

It takes a year and almost four months until Bucky finally gets rid of all of the triggers. He is crying and shaken up when he gets home from his session and he goes straight to his bedroom. Steve doesn't take it to heart when he hears the lock. He waits patiently until Bucky wakes up and he holds his hands as Bucky tells him. Steve's own eyes well up when he gets the news. Bucky is free.

While they didn't exactly stay celibate, they had both agreed to wait for this moment. And, after all is said and done, Bucky is the one to take the initiative and Steve is just too happy to give in to him.

 Bucky kisses every inch of him. He devotes his attention to every part of Steve and Steve’s entire body responds eagerly to Bucky’s touch.

They make love unhurried, moving as one as they share loving kisses and soft words none of them even realizes they are saying until the other responds to it, be it with a particularly deeper thrust from Bucky – that makes Steve arch his back and moan his name – or a hungry kiss from Steve.

They fit together like they have always done; like Steve had thought they wouldn't again. And it's here, in Bucky's arms that Steve realizes he knows happiness again.

When they have both regained their breaths Bucky picks up a discarded t-shirt and cleans Steve up and then himself. He throws the dirty t-shirt back on the floor by the bed and smiles at Steve. "I have to say, I think I've wanted to do this since the day I saw you in the tux," He confesses with a smirk.

Steve blushes, but he plays along. "I think I still have that if you're interested," he says with a wink.

_But you’re keeping the uniform, right?_

Bucky throws his head back and laughs. “Definitely.”  He sobers up after a moment and runs his thumb over Steve’s cheek. “I love you.”

Steve kisses his palm as he smiles at him. “I love you too,” he answers. Then he chuckles.

“What?” Bucky frowns.

“I dunno. It’s just – I’ve always loved you, Buck,” Steve says, sitting up on the bed so that he is leveled with Bucky. “But it’s different now. A different kind of love.”

Bucky nods. “It makes sense,” he says. “We've changed. This,” he gestures back and forth between them. “This is a different kind of us.”

Yes. And perhaps they have always felt this way but Steve doesn't know, and Bucky doesn't remember and, in all honesty, it makes no difference. Whatever the path, it brought them here all the same, even if Steve would prefer if they didn't have to suffer so much.

On that note, Steve makes a mental remark to ask Doctor Stevenson on his next appointment if there's a reason as to why he always has this burning need to ruin a nice moment. He leaves that for later, though. Now he has to actually break the quiet and finally complete his assignment. 

“Buck," he says and has to stop to swallow down the lump in his throat. “Do you blame me for what happened to you?” Steve forces his eyes to stay on Bucky and not give in to the urge to hide and he so he is watching when the smile slips from Bucky’s face.

“Steve,” he says as his brows furrow.

"I have this assignment," Steve explains. "Doctor Stevenson proposed it to me on our first meeting. I was drowning in guilt and she said I should ask you how _you_ felt about it. But to, no matter what you said, know that I wasn’t to blame.”

Bucky shifts on the bed so that he is completely facing Steve. “Listen to me very carefully,” he says, his eyes fixed on Steve’s. “I have _never_ nor will I _ever_ blame you for what happened to me. Never, Steve.” He takes one of Steve’s hands and laces their fingers together. “If you don’t believe a thing I say to you, you have to believe this. You are _not_ to blame, Steve.”

Steve knows he is serious. He can see it in Bucky’s face but he still needs to hear it. “You mean that?” He asks in a small voice.

Bucky nods. “Every word.” Tension slips from Steve's shoulders and he feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. After a moment Bucky also loses the frown and he leans forward to plant a kiss on Steve's forehead. "Love you, punk."

All Steve can do is smile and repay the attention and love in kind.

-

After they get themselves installed in the new house, and christen both the living room and the kitchen, they decide to go for a walk. They are barely a block away from the house when Steve is hit by the urge to hold Bucky's hand. He realizes soon that there is nothing stopping him from doing just that, except, of course, for Bucky himself. But Steve doesn't spend a lot of time overthinking it, and simply catches Bucky’s hand after it brushes his as they walk. Bucky looks down at their joined hands and then at Steve's face, with an amused expression and a lifted eyebrow that doesn't hide the slight blush on his cheeks, but he doesn't pull away. On the contrary, he actually gives Steve's hand a squeeze.

Steve didn’t plan on it, and truth be told he didn’t even think about it. But of course, when they get home and Bucky checks Twitter he finds out they have pretty much broken the internet.

Bucky shows a tabloid page to Steve.

_Captain America: Gay icon?_

Steve hums. “Actually, I’m bisexual,” is what he says after skimming the article.

Bucky looks up at him. “You’ve given this a thought,” he comments.

Steve shrugs sheepishly. “One or two, yeah.”

“And you’re not upset?” Bucky asks jutting his chin at the tablet.

Steve takes a moment to think about it. “Not really,” he says. He takes the tablet from Bucky hands and opens the Twitter account he has used for a total of three times ever since Sam set it up for him. He clicks on the button to compose a new tweet and then on the camera icon. Steve turns the camera towards them and then looks at Bucky. "Hey, Buck. Can I tell the world you're my boyfriend?" 

Bucky's answer is to pull an arm over Steve's shoulder and kiss his cheek as his other hand takes the picture. Then he snorts. "I can't believe you just made me take a picture with a tablet." He shakes his head. "Do you know how ridiculous that is?"

Steve only laughs as he writes his first tweet in two years.

_What to do when your fella kisses you and then calls you ridiculous because of something he did?_

A minute after he hits send Bucky's tablet freezes with the huge amount of notifications and Steve has the time of his life as he finds new ways to compensate Bucky for his lost.


	17. Epilogue: Past Remains Hidden

**1934**

Bucky doesn’t spend much of his time dwelling on the future. He has to help his ma watch the girls and pick them from school. He’s got to help his pa bring food to the table. And he also has to take some of the worry out of Sarah Rogers’ shoulders and look out for Stevie, make sure he comes home with all his teeth and no broken bones so Mrs. Rogers doesn’t have to lose sleep over her punk of a son.

Bucky has too much to do and he doesn’t think much about the future. But he doesn’t think about the future because he has much to do. No. He doesn’t spend time thinking about it because he can’t, because his future – the one he wants, anyway – is nothing but a dream. A dream in which Bucky can take care of Steve same way his pa takes care of his ma and no one says a word to it, and his father wouldn’t make the same snide remarks he snickers sometimes after dinner about the fellas that work around the docks.

Like clockwork Bucky finds Steve getting ruffed up at the alley behind Mr. Simpson's shop. Mr. Simpson gave Steve a part time job stocking shelves after his son got married and moved to Jersey. Now he's probably going to fire Steve for causing trouble.

Bucky grabs the back of the shirt of the ass bothering Steve and hauls him out of Stevie.

"Hey, asshole,” he calls. “I'm done with your mom. You can go back now."

To his credit, the guy even tries to swing a punch. But Bucky has been doing this for years now and he is not afraid to fight dirty, so he knees the poor fella in the groin. The guy doubles in on himself and takes a second to recover his breath before making a run for it.

Bucky turns to Steve. "What was that about?"

Steve dusts himself and Bucky inspects him. Nothing looks broken and the only blood he is spilling is from a cut on his lower lip. He scrapped his knees though, and his pants need mending now.

"He called me a fairy," Steve says with a scowl.

Bucky freezes. But luckily, he snaps out of it fast enough that Steve doesn’t notice. He puts a hand on Steve’s shoulder. "Aw, pal. Don’t mind that ass. You're more of a man than he'll ever be."

Steve shrugs him away annoyed. "I'm not mad about that, Bucky."

Bucky frowns. "Then what's the matter?"

"He said it as an insult,' Steve says. “Who people love and who they are shouldn't be made into something bad."

Hope flowers inside Bucky's traitor heart. He tamps it down. Steve is a good guy. This has nothing to do with him, with them. Then Bucky shakes himself out it. He swings an arm over Steve’s shoulder and this time Steve lets him. “Forget about that. Come on, we’ve gotta get you cleaned up ‘fore your ma comes home.”

Steve mumbles some complaint under his breath that sound suspiciously like cussing.

Bucky looks down at him with a raised eyebrow and says, “Do I have to wash your mouth with soap too, Stevie?”

Steve elbows him in the ribs but it doesn’t even hurt much. “The hell with you, too, Barnes.”

“I love you, too, pal,” Bucky answer laughing. And he does a good job at ignoring his fast beating heart for the rest of the way.

**1943 – A**

Sarge has been staring fixedly at the small fire some of the guys put up for about fifteen minutes now and, from where Dugan is standing, it seems like he hasn’t blinked since. Dugan can’t help but wonder what must be going on through his head. And the truth is, the kid breaks his goddamn heart every time Dugan looks at him.

He is almost sure Sarge is a fairy, but he doesn’t care, and either way, Dugan has always thought people should mind their own damn business. What’s the difference, anyway, if a fella likes a gal or another fella, it doesn’t really matter as long as they are good people. And Bucky is one of the best people Dugan has ever met.

He doesn’t particularly care about the kid’s fancy friend with the tights, but he sure has to give it to him, the guy did save all of their asses. Granted, he did as he tried to find Sarge, but either way, Dugan is under no illusion that they would all be dead if Bucky’s Steve-this, Steve-that – the kid never shut about it – hadn’t shown up in time. 

But show up he did and, best of all, he managed to find Bucky alive. Dugan had been so sure – he can hardly believe his own eyes, even now – he had been so sure Sarge had bitten the dust. If he closes his eyes and concentrates he thinks he can still hear it, they all did. Sarge had been all the way down the hallway, somebody had seen where the jerries had taken him, and he hadn’t been all that close to them. But they heard him, about a couple of days after he was taken, they heard him scream. It pierced through the walls and found its way to their cells.

One day Dugan heard him beg. He looks at Bucky now, and he doesn’t even want to imagine what must have been done to him to make him beg. Whatever it was it didn’t kill him – like they had all thought – but it changed him somehow. He is going to be offered a discharge, Dugan knows, it is what happens when you are tortured, and he just hopes the kid is smart enough to take it. But Dugan doesn’t hold his breath, not now that _little_ Steve is here.

All at once Dugan thinks he knows why Barnes hasn’t stopped looking at the flames, why he didn’t even try to take some shut eye like the rest of the guys. He suppresses a shudder of his own when Sarge shivers in front of him. It’s not the wind, though, Dugan knows that much. Just as he knows Bucky is afraid to close his eyes. Yep. That kid is breaking Dugan’s fucking heart.

**1943 – B**

Bucky finally gets a moment to himself when they reach the base and Steve is dragged away from him to be briefed or lectured, or whatever it is they can do to Captain America. What the actual fuck is that name? Bucky can hardly believe Steve is real, he is sure he is going to close his eyes and Steve is going to disappear, and everything is going to disappear and when he opens his eyes again he is still going to be strapped to a gurney. The harsh lights still above him. Zola still above him.

He shudders.

He sits down on Steve’s cot – they gave that punk his own tent – and brings a foot up on the other knee. His feet are sore, but they don’t seem to be bleeding anymore. Bucky struggles a bit to take the boot off. His feet must still be swollen. When he finally gets it off he inspects his sock, and like he suspected, there is blood all over it, but it is dry enough for him to know his foot has healed. It shouldn’t have done that, it’s too soon.

Bucky is afraid to take the sock off, so he takes his sweet time doing it. He takes too long. He heard the steps but he had no idea they were so close, and before he can do anything about the bloodied sock Steve is pushing aside the flap and entering the tent.

“Buck, Peggy wants to –” Steve doesn’t finish the sentence, and Bucky know exactly why. When he looks up Steve is already kneeling in front of him. “God, what happened?” His hands hover above Bucky foot. “Jesus. Have you been hurt this whole time?”

“No, no,” he replies on instinct. “It’s not – it’s not mine.” It gets Steve’s attention and he finally looks up. “It’s not mine,” Bucky repeats. “Look, I’m not proud of it.” Steve keeps watching him, and Bucky has to sink himself even further into the lie. “The guy was dead, alright. Not like he was gonna miss it.”

“Oh,” Steve says. Then he gets up.

Bucky gambles with luck and takes the sock off. His foot is swollen, but the sole is not cut open like it had been less than thirty hours ago. “See,” he says and wiggles his toes for good measure. “I’m alright.”

Steve blushes. He is probably embarrassed by his reaction, but Bucky is just glad his face can still do that, even after everything else about him is different now. “Sorry I freaked,” Steve mumbles as he scratches the back of his head.

Bucky waves him off. “Nah, pal. I’d prolly do the same if I saw blood on you.”

And of course, Steve has to open his mouth and ruin the moment. “You prolly will,” he says, deadpan. “See blood on me, I mean. Now that I’m here.”

Bucky shakes his head. “Don’t look so happy about it. This is war, is not fucking Coney Island. You have no idea what –” He realizes his mistake as soon as he opens his mouth.

“No idea what it’s like,” Steve completes for him, nonetheless. He shoots Bucky the kind of angry, betrayed looks he used to give him when Bucky didn’t let him get killed in a back alley fight. “Why? Because I didn’t get the foxhole experience yet? Because I haven’t killed a man with my bare hands? ‘Cause I’m fresh off the boat, so I have no idea what war’s like.” He scoffs. “Like you’re a seasoned veteran.”

Bucky sighs. “Why are you being so aggressive?”

“Because you always do that, you undermine me. And now that I’m finally here –” The fight seems to run out of Steve, then. He lets out a long exhale and sits down next to Bucky. “I didn’t get here before for lack of trying, Buck. You know that. And now you don’t gotta protect me anymore. I can take care of myself. I can take care of both of us for a change.”

Bucky shuts his eyes and focuses on his breathing for a second, paying attention to every draw of breath. When he feels ready for it, he opens his eyes again and glances at Steve. “Just – just don’t go around doing stupid shit. Please. It’s all I ask of you.”

For a moment Steve looks hurt. “You don’t trust me?”

“Course I do,” Bucky says, without missing a beat. “I just want you to be alive at the end of this.”

Steve smiles at him then. The sad look vanished from his face like it had never been there. “I will be, we both will.”

Bucky tries his best to mimic Steve’s face but he can’t really pull it off, so he bumps Steve’s shoulder with his instead. “That’s right, pal. We both will.”    


End file.
